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Original poster

Should I text again, or just leave it?

75 replies

WithFireAndBlood · 29/07/2019 19:22

Hi all, I need some advice.
My friend text me earlier asking when I was free for drinks. I replied saying I’d have to wait until payday as I was skint then sent another saying “The downsides to being a grown up and having a big house and children”. She’s older than me (mid 30s) and still lives at home with her parents, with no children.
I 100% did not mean it as a dig as her and the only reason I said “big house” was because we recently moved into a bigger house and bills are much higher than before, therefore going out for drinks were less likely to happen.
She didn’t immediately reply which is unlike her so I reread it and realised I sounded like a total dickhead so sent another text saying I didn’t mean it the way it sounded, I was just moaning about the daily grind when I still felt young at heart. Still no reply so I know she’s annoyed at me.
I suffer terribly from anxiety and this has just been playing on my mind and I don’t know what to do. DH said not to send another message and just let it mellow but I feel so rotten about it and just want to send another saying sorry.
WWYD?

OP posts:

InsertFunnyUsername · 29/07/2019 23:55

The obvious answer is to give her your big house, and the clothes off your back.

Ffs, seriously! Your text was big time twatty, but you've apologised and if you're good friends she will know your personality and text dont match up.

Missthayes · 30/07/2019 00:19

Also I disagree with flowers, chocolate and lunch, you've just told her you are fed up of being skint, invite her over for a wine night at yours if you are anything like me you can afford a bottle of wine in the house but not a night out.

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2019 00:37

The more grovelling the worse it sounds.

Seriously, leave it.

spacedone · 30/07/2019 00:42

I really don't think it's that big a deal. She knows you, she knows you're not judging her. You're allowed to have a moan about being skint and having responsibilities, you just have different lives. I think you've apologised enough.

Dieu · 30/07/2019 00:52

You've struck a nerve, without meaning to. Give it time, and I'm sure she'll be fine.

15YemenRoad · 30/07/2019 00:53

I think both your messages were awful, and your apology did not sound sincere either.

In this instance I would call and apologise, and make it clear I wasn't thinking when I messaged.

Other than that, stop texting now and let her figure out what she wants to do.

Rachelover40 · 30/07/2019 00:59

You said: "I just realised how that might have sounded but I didn’t mean it that way! Just bemoaning the daily grind when I’m still a 17 year old at heart", which sounds fine to me.

Friends do sometimes say stupid, tactless things to each other but if you are real friends, it will blow over.

IamtheOA · 30/07/2019 01:06

You haven't properly apologised.

You sent two crap texts, no matter how unintentional.
Send her a voice message saying how badly phrased they were, that you sounded pompous , and you are genuinely sorry.

dollybird76 · 30/07/2019 07:11

Lawd. Don't send the apology text, it doesn't help, it's almost so apologetic it seems insincere. I agree with others here - no flowers, no gifts. Just be earnest and call and apologise.

Original poster

WithFireAndBlood · 30/07/2019 07:22

Well I sent the text yesterday, she replied after a while to say she knew what I’d meant but was understandably frosty.
She’s not really a drink in the house kinda person, I’d asked her to come over last week because of this exact reason when she asked if I could go out drinking at the last minute and she said no.
I’m not sending flowers or any large gestures, I’ve apologised and I meant it, it was a thoughtless text that had no bad meaning behind it and I’m sure she knows that.

OP posts:

cuddlymunchkin · 30/07/2019 07:31

Your text basically revealed your superior feelings living your 'grown up' life - you sound so up yourself I'm surprised she even made contact with you after that nasty dig from you, thoughtless or otherwise.

CalmFizz · 30/07/2019 07:37

When I’ve been in a similar situation op, as the friend, I think a message so directly clear in its tone, unthinking as it may be, it was like the clouds clearing to a whole shift in the relationship. Maybe other comments now seem like little digs too. The follow up messages didn’t help you, they just hammered home the original content.

I think it just needs time, but I don’t think you can blame her if it’s changed your friendship dynamic.

Original poster

WithFireAndBlood · 30/07/2019 07:48

I clumsily worded a text to explain why I couldn’t go out, I’m not up myself or think I’m superior, quite the opposite, but whatever. Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:

Missthayes · 30/07/2019 08:30

I think that you have done your best, so just leave it x hope you have a good night out when you get to go x

LawnsLT · 30/07/2019 08:53

I’d leave it, however how do you know your friend is upset? She might just be busy...
Your assuming because you have a big house with children your comment might have upset her...
Ever thought she might like living with her parents instead of lumbering herself with the pressure of a house and maybe she doesn’t want kids! Just a thought...she might be at home thinking - maybe I need to get a friend who can actually go out when she wants...

NuttyOrNice · 30/07/2019 08:58

Some of the comments on this thread are nasty (the usual suspects 🙄)
OP, yes the text was thoughtless but apologised. I think your friend is being petty if she sulks over this. I always spend ages double checking how texts sound as it's easy for them to sound rude or odd. If I receive an odd or blunt text from a person who I usually like my first reaction is that it was a mistake.

You didn't mean to be offensive but she is choosing to be offended. It's childish if her.

You've apologised unreservedly.

Also please ignore the nasty comments on this thread. Some poster enjoy trying to upset OPs

Knitwit99 · 30/07/2019 08:59

Over-reacting much?

You sent a stupid text to a friend. Then you made it worse by sending another one.

But she's your friend, she knows you. Presumably she knows you're not a horrible person or she wouldn't be your friend.

We've all sent messages that sound way better in our heads than they do written down.

Let it blow over, it will be fine.

Original poster

WithFireAndBlood · 30/07/2019 10:09

Thank you! I do wish I was perfect and never said the wrong thing but I’m human and make mistakes.
I know for sure she doesn’t want kids and although she’d like her own place she is quite happy at her parents. Even so, I know I sounded like a patronising prick and that’s why I’ve apologised. Maybe she does just want a friend she can go drinking with!

OP posts:

Handbag101 · 30/07/2019 10:23

Awww OP. Whilst your first text was cringe, I think you sound fab and genuinely sorry. Your mate will come round in the end. Honestly, in a couple of weeks, you'll be both laughing about it. Trust me...

Cliques · 30/07/2019 10:32

I once said to a friend when we were discussing a change in my career, “I just don’t want to end up stuck working in a shop or something”. She worked in a shop.

I didn’t mean it like that, I am socially awkward and anything customer-facing would be a disaster for me, but oh god it was an awful thing to say to her.

It was okay, and she forgave my twatishness, but it taught me to consider my audience when I blurt out things about myself. I hope your friend gets past it.

Original poster

WithFireAndBlood · 30/07/2019 10:41

Thank you handbag!

Yes cliques that’s exactly what happened, I didn’t consider my audience when I opened my big mouth (tapped my big fingers?) I do hope she will get past it, the ball is in her own court now.

OP posts:

PixieLumos · 30/07/2019 10:41

Oh dear, yeah I can imagine that didn’t go down well - I agree with your DH, you’ve already explained yourself so let it mellow and wait for her to get in touch - if she doesn’t then apologise, but I would leave her alone for now.

ShirleyPhallus · 30/07/2019 10:45

Absolutely no need to send flowers or pay for her lunch or anything! It was a clumsily worded text, you didn’t run over her cat or something.

She’s responded now so just leave it and carry on as usual.

gamerchick · 30/07/2019 12:08

Well, going on this thread I'm very glad my friendships are more robust than the reactions I've read in these replies.

If these are the suggestions for a clumsy text where someone who knows you well will know. What would you do if you borrowed something and broke it? Book them an all expenses paid holiday as a sorry?

CatInADoghouse · 30/07/2019 12:45

Oh no! I hope she's able to put this behind you both soon. You've done everything you can. With hindsight and a time machine we would all be living very different lives! We've all done silly things and thought 'crap! That's not what I meant!' I'm sure she'll realise soon that a daft comment like that isn't worth losing a good friend over especially since you didn't mean it and have apologised.

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