What do you do to make your life easier?

[SinkGirl]

I need some help because I’m drowning. I feel like I can’t breathe for all the stuff I need to do and think about. Nearly a month ago I had some sort of mental breakdown where I completely fell apart for a week or so. I’ll have a good few days but then I’ll get overwhelmed again.

I have beautiful twin boys, almost 3. Both are autistic, one also has other disabilities. Their needs are overwhelming and all encompassing. That is fine, they need what they need and I will do it all, but it’s everything else I’m struggling with.

I have a very part time job that’s mostly flexible but with occasional meetings at set times. I love it but I’m struggling. I don’t want to quit it, but I feel like I may have to. I’m trying to find other ways to ease the load.

My twins go to nursery three mornings a week now. My plan was to rest for one, work for one and do chores for the third. Instead I’m too exhausted to do anything and too stressed to rest - I just can’t turn my brain off.

We are not loaded by any means but we are okay financially right now with a bit of leeway. We’ve just changed our mortgage which has reduced our monthly repayments and have some savings.

I’m trying to figure out what I can throw money at to make life easier.

So far I’m thinking some help with cleaning... maybe just a couple of hours a week, kitchen and bathroom and any extra time on floors? But there’s so much clutter everywhere I don’t know whether that’s feasible.

There’s loads of crap I need to get rid of and we keep saying we will do tip runs etc but it never happens so I need to pay someone to just come and take it all away, right? It’s just loads of cardboard, old clothes too tatty to donate, old bedding, broken toys etc etc etc. Just looking at it all and thinking about sorting it makes me stressed.

What else can I do?

DH does what he can but he works very hard and wants to spend the rest of the time with the family and taking pressure off me.

My sister is coming to stay this weekend and my head is spinning with everything I need to do first. The boys have been at nursery this morning and all I’ve done is a food shop and failed to nap.

Please help before I implode.

Ok deep breath. Have you heard of Marie Kondo? I think once you do a big clear out your mind will feel clearer and it will be easier to keep the house clean.

Are you OK in yourself other than feeling overwhelmed? Three year old twins sounds enough to tip anyone over the edge, without any of the additional needs yours have.

What exactly do you need to do for your sister coming? Food shop for a morning is a perfectly acceptable thing to have got done - it's not a quick trip and the time at nursery NEVER stretches as far as you think it's going to.

If you can afford a cleaner once a week, do it, definitely. But most of all, lower your standards, don't expect too much of yourself - you are holding down a job and twins.

Get your sister to help you sort out some of the clutter and do a carboot sale - very satisfying.

I would consider putting your boys into nursery for a whole day even if it means they go for fewer days. Then I'd go home, nap in the morning and then tackle work or cleaning in the afternoon.
My son used to go just for mornings and there never is enough time to make any inroads into anything before it's time to collect them. Whole days have made such a difference to my mental heath

Broken toys, can you just put them in your bin?

Clothes too tatty to donate, can you put them in a bag, marked 'scrap' and put them in the recycling bins at the supermarket?

Cardboard, recycle bins at supermarket?

I know it's still effort but presumably it's closer than the tip, and somewhere you go anyway.

Yes yes yes to Marie Kondo, although that's longer term, it won't be done for this weekend.

Is your sister coming to stay to help you get on top of this or coming as a "guest" to be entertained?

If its the latter I would ring her, have a good cry, ask for some help and tackle it together.

1. get the cardboard into a big pile and ask DH to take it to the tip first thing on saturday along with anything else that just needs tipping.

1. Get DH to play with the DC on saturday/take them out whilst you and DSis tackle some of the clutter. When DH gets back ask him to take the charity shop pile to the charity shop straight away whilst Dsis plays with the DC. Get a takeaway in the evening and chill.

1. Get DH to do a second tip run on sunday morning with any of the clutter from saturday to get it out of the house immediately.

1. Sunday chill with your sister and your DC but also get her to help you make a list of things to make your life easier.

1. set up weekly internet shopping, direct debits for any payments, bulk buy a load of birthday cards, write them, address them, put stamps on them and put them in the hallway ready to be posted in the appropriate month.

6.Ditto presents (birthdays and christmas)

1. Get a cleaner for a couple of hours to do basics.

1. increase the nursery hours.

Get big black bags and stick everything you don't use or need in them a room at a time. Don't waste time mulling it over just be ruthless, get rid of it.
I don't iron or pair socks. I have a basket for socks and everyone just digs out a pair in the morning, why waste my life pairing socks or ironing.
I quickly do all my housework at night, the basics. Hoover, dust, put clean washing away, hang up or stick a washing on to hang up in the morning, empty bins, do dishes, give the bathroom a quick going over, maybe clean the flooring is it needs it, put everything back in its place. Means you wake up in the morning everything is tidy and clean and you oy have to get you and the kids ready.
Once you have some of the clutter gone, you may feel better. If you can afford a cleaner for a few hours a week then go for it.

Hire a skip, put the twins in nursery for 2/3 full days, consecutively.

Day 1 :- Go home, feet up, rubbish TVs, cuppa and biscuits - chill 1 hour
Start on the clear out, just throw everything into the skip, absolutely anything that's a maybe it goes. Stop clearing feet up, rubbish tv, cuppa and biscuits. Chill x 1hour before collecting the twins so you've had that break before they come home.

Repeat for day 2

Day 3 do the same but have a bit longer feet up before collecting twins.

Oh and long term after all the clutter is gone. Employ a cleaner twice a week, once at the start of the week one towards the end.

Do whatever you can afford to make your life easier, no prizes are given for doing it all yourself and struggling 💐💐

Food shop online for ready prepared everything. Get the premashed potatoes and the pre cut veg! Get the driver to bring it into the kitchen for you and everything. Or just order pizza/Chinese.

All that stuff you need to get rid of? Look, I know it's not green but sometimes mental health trumps recycling, sorry. Just bag that shit up and throw it out. Or if you really want to recycle, bag that shit up and recycle it another day. Just get it out the way!

I wish I had time for Marie Kondo, but most days I'm lucky if I have time to pee when I need to, so Spark joy some other day, chuck everything in the attic and catch some Netflix or a nap, look after yourself. You've had a mini breakdown which was a warning, so heed the warning, listen to your body and get some R and R

I second getting a skip. Be ruthless, Chuck everything in there. You might not be saving the planet this time but you will save your sanity.

If you pause over an item, Chuck it in the skip. If you have to think whether you want to keep it - then you don't NEED it. Chuck anything broken,.

You will feel amazing when they take that skip away. The house will feel less cluttered and your mind will too.

Then get a cleaner in once or twice a week. Big clean one day. Small clean and iron the other.

Order weekly shop online for home delivery.

Give yourself a kick up the arse to declutter the house. Then you can go gently on yourself once done!

A skip and a cleaner. You sound like a bloody hero. Just chuck all the rubbish then get someone to clean so you can have a rest.

Yes to the skip. No half measures, get the biggest one that'll fit. Get DH to pull in some mates, have a combined Barbie and clearout. Get to the GP and ask for ONE strip of diazepam, because you need to level out before you crash properly. It did wonders for me a while back, when I had a perfect storm of domestic unhappiness, a parent to bury and an absolute car crash of a job.

Thanks everyone. While I would love to throw everything in the bloody bin / recycling it’s always full thanks to two in nappies. Can’t even fit a skip in the front garden thanks to the world’s largest, hardiest shrub / bush. Got round to hacking to most of it down but there’s still a mini tree trunk sticking out of the ground which I need to find a way to get rid of first!

Nursery is fully booked up for summer so no chance of extra hours at the moment sadly.

My sister and BIL are coming down as it’s DH’s 40th next weekend so they want to take us out for dinner. BIL’s Mum is coming over to babysit which is massively stressing me out (don’t think she knows what she’s in for).

Worse, MIL is coming next week for his birthday. She’s offered to babysit the night before for our wedding anniversary, she’s never looked after them before either. She has OCD and is obsessed with cleanliness... last time she visited I literally spent a week cleaning but she still wasn’t happy.

Luckily the boys are in nursery all day next Friday while DH and I go for a surprise spa day and very posh lunch for his birthday... although I’m worried that the nursery will call us to pick up the boys if they’re ill, like they did when we tried to go to the cinema for my birthday, just before I lost the plot.

Most of the clutter is stashed away in the loft and shed but it’s like I can feel it urging me to sort it out... I’m clearly quite mad at this point.

We stopped doing online food shops as they kept subbing in stuff i and the boys are allergic to, and sending stuff going out of date. I go with DH on a Monday morning after we drop off at nursery because I’m useless and can’t drive (another thing I need to sort out).

We’ve recently had a homestart volunteer start with us and she’s coming on Wednesday - should use it to take the boys somewhere but will just ask if she can hold the fort while I clean.

I just wish I could turn off the stress. Other people manage to do things without worrying about all the things they’re not doing!

Right, off to some compulsory GDPR training I go (lucky me!)

Call in a cleaning company. When my ds was 3 and my dd was a few months old, I got so overwhelmed. They cane did a deep clean and declutter. On that day I had my ds in nursery for the morning and in the afternoon we went to ikea to but storage furniture. They took all the rubbish, and I could keep on top of it from then on. I'd got into a Jess due to PND and an abusive ex call get a quote and book it in ASAP...it literally saved my sanity.

I'd book a deep clean/declutter company. Ask your dh to take a day off work to take the twins out, so you've got a whole day (with professional help). Once you've got on top of the clutter, if you can afford it, book a weekly cleaner to do a proper bathroom/kitchen clean. Then once every 3 months book a deep clean to do the whole house. That way, you can get away with doing the bare minimum on a daily basis.

In terms of food/cooking, streamline this as much as you can. If that means eating the same week's worth of food on rotation, so be it. I find food planning for a week takes a lot of the mental load off myself. I spend a surprising amount of time thinking about the next meal or two. If its all planned out, it takes a lot of pressure off me. Ideally i would have 6 weeks worth of plans worked out and i would just repeat them every 6 weeks. Do you have to go shopping with dh, can he not go by himself to free up that hour for yourself?

You should also take some time each week just to do something for yourself. For me, that was time alone walking my dogs, so i left the dc with dh one weekend afternoon each week so i could have a couple of hours to myself.

Can you get a skip bag (much smaller than a skip) and just dump everything you don't want.

Don't beat yourself up over recycling/donating/selling just load everything you don't want in it and get it done. Be ruthless.

Then book a spring clean to get everything clean and start from there.

I'd explain to your visitors that things have got on top of you and ask them to give a hand with sorting/tip runs. MIL sounds like she'd be up for that challenge. You will feel so much better once everything is out and everything has a place.

Hire a cleaner. Find one that is happy to help tidy and not just clean. I'm a cleaner and I will put a wash on, put toys away etc.

I'm sorry you have so much to contend with! I do believe your first course of action is to get rid of all the unnecessary tat and clutter. It will be impossible to do anything else until that is sorted. I would be BRUTAL and make a commitment to a minimalist lifestyle. I think it will make a massive improvement in your life and mental health.

That is fine, they need what they need and I will do it all, but it’s everything else I’m struggling with.

I think this is the crux of the matter - you simply can’t meet all of their needs and do everything else. In your shoes I would use their nursery time to rest as best you can. All three mornings. You’re “on” 24:7 and they need what they need - for you to be able to give them what they need, your own needs have to be met too so rest, go for a walk or a swim - whatever helps you unwind. That will give you more energy and focus when they are with you.

Can you do basic tidying/cleaning while they’re around? I would wipe down the bathroom while my two were in the bath, or fold laundry while they played in the same room.

Definitely get someone to come and collect the stuff you just need dumped - it’ll give you a timeline for sorting through it. Get your DH to take a day or two off work and take the DC out so they’re completely off your hands - I can get more done in an hour without kids than I can in a day with them in the house.

If you can do online shopping but tick the “no substitutes” box - it might mean a top up shop but the bulk of it will be done. Agree with your DH the jobs he’s responsible for around the house so you don’t need to keep remembering to change the cat litter (for example), you both need to really pull your weight.

I also wonder how honest you are with family about the extent of your DC needs and the challenges they (and you) face. My two both have ASN and for a long time I kept my game face on, I did eventually spell out the impact on me of having to keep things on an even keel, that when I said DD had a meltdown I meant that she literally cried and shook for over an hour... folk started understanding that I wouldn’t always be visitor ready and some days would be far from that - and they offered practical support, knowing that some days were an uphill slog.

Most of all be gentle with yourself, you’re in the thick of it and you’re doing your best.

If you can do online shopping but tick the “no substitutes” box - it might mean a top up shop but the bulk of it will be done.

Definitely this- you can choose what they can substitute and what they can't. Both of you doing the food shop together doesn't seem like a good use of time.

I remember your thread about your DH's birthday, I really hope the twins don't get sick and you guys get some time the two of you.

That’s the other challenge - neither one of us can take the boys out alone, it’s just impossible at the moment. They have no sense of danger, they bolt, they are Olympic level climbers, they’ve long since rejected the buggy, there’s nowhere to take them where we can keep them both safe on our own at the moment. It’s a blooming nightmare.

Right, going to look at options for dumping all the crap as easily as possible, will see if a hippo bag or similar can fit next to the demon bush trunk in the front garden!

Trying to find someone to sort the garden out too as it’s a nightmare (can’t take the boys out there on my own, there’s a raised pond in the middle of the decking, 6 different levels, it’s a toddler death trap!).

I agree, the current shopping plan isn’t working - DH used to go on a Saturday morning but frankly I want him around to help out then! I suggested Monday after we drop them off, supermarket is right by nursery. Unfortunately dropping off / picking up by himself isn’t something he’s comfortable with (it’s on a very busy main road, and trying to keep the first safe while getting the other unstrapped and then getting them both inside... I wouldn’t want to do it alone either, and it’s not even like we can take it in turns when I can’t drive). I keep hoping it will get easier but I don’t think it’s going to.

Will have a look for some cleaning companies too.

OP and it sounds really difficult to say the least. You've had some really good advice here.

There is nothing wrong with using the twins' nursery time for you to recharge - I can't imagine how full on it must be the rest of the time, every minute must be occupied with something. You need some time for yourself.

I agree with PPs re the skip (you can get them put on the street if you don't have space at the front of your house) and the decluttering/cleaning company - those two things should make you feel more in control, hopefully, and reclaim your space a bit.

Also what really helped me when I was absolutely swamped and feeling like I was doing everything by the seat of my pants was a bullet journal. I don't really use it as a true bullet journal (although that would be nice), but more that I have one notebook that I obsessively take with me everywhere and write everything that comes into my head that I need to remember.

So if I'm on the train and remember something random like I need to give ds money for a cake sale (one example of something I've recently remembered thanks only to the journal) I just write it down. It makes me feel so much more in control, like once it's written down I don't have to remember it again, it's taken care of and it won't keep popping into my head to stress me out: because I've written it down I'll remember to do it. It sounds a bit ridiculous but it's helped my mental health massively.

I think you're a hero OP. Best wishes to you.

Oh god, don’t say that - I am most definitely not a hero, I’m blundering through doing my best but it’s rarely good enough. I’m trying though.

On the plus side one of my twins just ate pasta (that isn’t from a tin of ravioli) for the first time ever - over two years I’ve been trying! One down, one to go!

Thanks so much for all the tips, I’m going to have a proper read when they’re in bed (in between taking them bottles and changing bums until midnight - scratch that, I was up at 4:45 with sleep allergic DT2, DH2 can be on bed duty!). I’m sure some of it will help.

Out of sight is meant to be out of mind but just knowing the shed and loft are full of crap is just wearing me down. I don’t know why, not as if I don’t have enough to be getting on with!

I tidied their room before my meeting so that’s one job down. When they’re in bed I’m going to ransack their toy storage. Unfortunately minimalism isn’t likely to happen any time soon, especially since DT2 is hard to engage and we’ve tried eleventy thousand toys with him. I can clear some crap out though!

On the plus side one of my twins just ate pasta (that isn’t from a tin of ravioli) for the first time ever - over two years I’ve been trying! One down, one to go!

Well done - that’s a hell of a victory. What I’d suggest, while you’re trying to entice them to eat new things, is to have a couple of nights where you cook something you know they’ll eat without fuss. For me that means macaroni cheese - if it means tinned ravioli for you, that’s fine they’re still fed and you’ve not had a trial by toddler at tea time.

Honestly make your life as easy as possible at this stage, we might love to have little ones who have minimal screen time, imaginative play, ethical wooden toys and who eat veggies at every meal but that’s not the hand you’ve been dealt.

If screens engage them, use screens to let you catch your breath a bit (or at one point for me parking them in front of a screen let me empty the tumble drier in less than 45 mins). If you know chocolate pancakes will be a winner at breakfast, do it every now and again.

What I found worked to keep my sanity was having one part of the day that wouldn’t be a battle - so easy breakfast, or their choice of clothes (however bizarre the choices were), or a morning of Paw Patrol etc etc. Everything else I’d try to manage but knowing there was one part of the day that wouldn’t be a battle helped hugely.

OP it all sounds really tough. I’d suggest getting a huge, heavy duty bin bag and just walking around with it filling it up with things that are broken / beyond use. If possible do it the day before your rubbish is collected, and put it out with the rubbish. Ruthlessness is in order I think.