What do you do to make your life easier?

[SinkGirl]

I need some help because I’m drowning. I feel like I can’t breathe for all the stuff I need to do and think about. Nearly a month ago I had some sort of mental breakdown where I completely fell apart for a week or so. I’ll have a good few days but then I’ll get overwhelmed again.

I have beautiful twin boys, almost 3. Both are autistic, one also has other disabilities. Their needs are overwhelming and all encompassing. That is fine, they need what they need and I will do it all, but it’s everything else I’m struggling with.

I have a very part time job that’s mostly flexible but with occasional meetings at set times. I love it but I’m struggling. I don’t want to quit it, but I feel like I may have to. I’m trying to find other ways to ease the load.

My twins go to nursery three mornings a week now. My plan was to rest for one, work for one and do chores for the third. Instead I’m too exhausted to do anything and too stressed to rest - I just can’t turn my brain off.

We are not loaded by any means but we are okay financially right now with a bit of leeway. We’ve just changed our mortgage which has reduced our monthly repayments and have some savings.

I’m trying to figure out what I can throw money at to make life easier.

So far I’m thinking some help with cleaning... maybe just a couple of hours a week, kitchen and bathroom and any extra time on floors? But there’s so much clutter everywhere I don’t know whether that’s feasible.

There’s loads of crap I need to get rid of and we keep saying we will do tip runs etc but it never happens so I need to pay someone to just come and take it all away, right? It’s just loads of cardboard, old clothes too tatty to donate, old bedding, broken toys etc etc etc. Just looking at it all and thinking about sorting it makes me stressed.

What else can I do?

DH does what he can but he works very hard and wants to spend the rest of the time with the family and taking pressure off me.

My sister is coming to stay this weekend and my head is spinning with everything I need to do first. The boys have been at nursery this morning and all I’ve done is a food shop and failed to nap.

Please help before I implode.

Hey,

Not many useful points from me but just wanted to say remember to give yourself a break, you're only human. Don't beat yourself up over not getting it done.

Make a long old list and tick things off one at a time, get help where you can. But the world won't end if you don't do it.

Also do click and collect, you can untick items for substitutions, it's a lifesaver!

Just a side note - order the skips anyway and get the delivery driver to drop in onto the bush stump. Then you’ve killed two birds with one stone.

I have one DS with ASD, you have two. We’ve been on threads before and I know that your twins are very similar indeed to my youngest DS and I know all of what that involves.

I could have written your to do list myself, many times, over the last few years. I’ve had times when I’ve been able to achieve some things on it and other times when it is all still to do. I’ve never felt on top of it.

I think the answer is to out source all that you can, and to lower your expectations. I know that is hard when you feel that you’re at home looking at everything that needs to be done, and not doing as much as you’d like, but I think you need to break it down and be happy with achieving smaller things than the large tasks that you’ve listed. Your situation is different to most people’s. What they can achieve is different to what you can achieve.

And lastly. Be kind and generous with yourself. You are doing great, you really are. Give credit to yourself for all that you are doing. Good and bad days, good and bad stretches, they’re all to be expected and are understandable. You’ve got this.

Which would be more helpful to you - two or three full days at nursery or five mornings?

You need to get through this next week or so and you've had great suggestions. I'd definitely agree you should get a cleaner. Some will come and do a spring clean and de clutter. Go for them . Do a food shop online and look at eg Tesco recipes and click on them you can then just click all the food needed straight into your basket. Can you get decent takeaways delivered when your visitors are here? We only have 2 proper takeaways where we live ( back end of nowhere) but an enterprising person will cook and deliver a three course meal from a set menu with a few days notice. Worth doing! And when your panic has died down I wonder if you should get in touch with this organisation who support families with disabled/SEN children? Or homestart helps families in many situations especially twins etc?

At the moment you are overwhelmed. Just because you have a bit of spare cash doesn't mean organisations can't help you.

Sounds like you’re doing an incredible job to me. A few ideas from me (appreciate they may not work for your family but just ideas!)

• when you have designated “chill time” and find it hard to relax, do something actively to help you relax. For me a walk, some sewing, painting, reading would all work and help me switch off for a bit.

• identify any tasks that the twins can / will help with. No matter how small. Make a list. Then always do these during toddler awake time. Mine will help with dusting, laundry loading and unloading, washing the car!, unpacking groceries.... yes each of these tasks take longer than if I did them after bedtime and are not always executed quite as well as they would otherwise be BUT it 1) keeps them busy 2) gets stuff done in toddler awake time so I can do other essential stuff after bedtime and 3) teaches them how to help run the household! Mine gets a major thrill from helping with even tiny things like putting the pasta in the pasta jar

• make a second list of everything you can do while they play or watch. Eg I can get a little bit of washing up done, the vacuuming, and empty bins while mine supervises me! Haha. I accept I may not always be able to complete the task but if I time it right I can do it while she’s awake , again to maximise my time after she’s gone to bed / is in nursery .

• is there anyway you can wean them off the night time milk?? Whilst it’s been hot I leave my LO’s cup with water in in her room so she can have a drink if she wakes, but otherwise wouldn’t bring drinks in the night. They might be waking specifically for the milk? A good nights sleep for you would be majorly beneficial for everyone I’m guessing!

• yes to sorting the garden out - this is 100% something I would throw money at. If it’s safe for them to run round in they will get loads of energy out and you might be able to hang washing out at least while they play out

• agree bullet journal (non beautiful version sadly, just practical everything in one book style) has worked for me.

• for DH dropping kids at nursery alone.... reins? Or could he unclip the first twin’s car seat straps then close the door, go round and do the other one then let them both out of the same door?

Also just want to say how great it is that you’re taking steps to tackle it. You’re going about it the right way - you’ve realised you can’t keep going the same way, identified what’s stressful and difficult and now you’ll find a way to make practical changes. You’ve got this!!

Thanks all. Have arranged a couple of people to come round and look at the garden this week - hoping to sort out an interim block of work to get it safe to use, and then have it all excavated and sorted properly by next summer. Will see it that’s feasible. I hate not being able to take them outside.

They don’t have milk in the night any more, just water (or rather it was just water - DT2 is now hooked on squash after we had to give it to him during chicken pox when he wouldn’t drink anything else). We are seeing his endocrinologist again shortly which is good as I’m concerned about how much he’s drinking (he drinks lots of water through the day and then some nights 3-4 bottles before he will go to sleep and then another bottle in the night). He was tested for diabetes insipidus already and it was clear but his drinking has ramped back up again. Plus that means changes through the night and soaking through anyway.

They can’t help with any chores sadly. They don’t copy anything so I can’t get them to copy me wiping or dusting etc. I can’t even tidy up toys when they’re around as that’s an invitation to throw it all around. DT2 is in a phase where nothing is allowed to be on any surface - cushions off the sofa, toys and food off the table, etc. Every time I hear something hit the floor i fray a bit more.

Unfortunately we are relying way too much on TV right now, but it is what it is. They are at least looking at books a lot 🤷‍♀️

Having a useable garden will improve your life no end. I hope you’re able to do this as I think I would tear my hair out if DS2 didn’t have that outlet. He is much more difficult if he has been cooped up even if only for a couple of days. We have a large trampoline, hammock type swing, slide and lots of small steps (!) which he loves playing on. And lots of earth to bury trains and cars in, which occupies him for enough time to allow me to get a few everyday things done.

We rely on the iPad way too much too. As you say, it is what it is.

I recently did CBT by telephone through the NHS for similar feelings and it really helped. I think the most important thing it taught me was to lower my expectations of myself and prioritise doing something for myself every day (even if it's something really small!)

If possible I would try and increase nursery hours.

Clearing the house would massively help too. Less to keep on top off. Could you get a skip? I know it's more expensive than taking it down the top but it will make you clear it. Also can you arrange for a charity to come and collect bigger pieces/furniture? Again it will make you do it if you've got a date set.

Internet shopping?

Life must be relentless now but it will get easier (that's what I keep telling myself anyway)

Bit of an old fashioned concept but could you employ someone as a “mother’s helper” for a few hours a week. Someone who could clean, sort the laundry, run out to the shops, do a bit of cooking - whatever you need on the day.

Cleaners can be a hassle because you need to tidy before them, and that kind of consistency isn’t possible right now. You need someone who can be very flexible and muck in with you.

Do you have any respite options? Or can you apply for some? Being able to depend on professional level care on a regular, if infrequent basis, can be a life line.

I think it’s inevitable with young dc to find yourself swamped in clutter. While it does make a tremendous difference to get on top of it, when you’re at the treading water stage of life, the pressure of decluttering can be another source of guilt and stress.

I found this book really helpful for realistic, real life strategies.

I think it’s important to be kind to yourself in as many small ways as possible.

Thanks everyone. I’m not doing so well today - DT2 woke up at 2 and didn’t go back to sleep until gone 4am, then refused to nap today. DH woke up about 45 mins in and took over but I couldn’t get back to sleep.

I should be cleaning right now because our Homestart volunteer is coming in the morning and I don’t want them to think I’m completely shit, but I physically can’t. When the boys are in bed (and hopefully sleeping) I’m just going to go to bed. And then when she arrives ask her to try wrangling the boys with some back up from CBeebies while I try to get the limescale off the shower and clean the cooker. Ugh.

A mother’s helper type arrangement sounds ideal in theory but I feel so uncomfortable asking someone to do what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know if that makes any sense. It would be so useful. Maybe I’ll ask on the twin groups if anyone whose twins are at school wants a bit of flexible work around that.

Why can't you pay for a cleaner instead of the mother's help?

What about nursery every afternoon? That means you can look forward to it and you're not seething if they're awake all night as you're not limited to an early deadline.

Don't clean/tidy for the homestart volunteer! They won't expect you to, theybare to help you not give you more to do. Please dont

I could, I’m just not sure it would be very easy to clean around all the toddler ephemera! I suppose it would be better to hire someone for a few hours a week and they can just help with what needs doing (I wouldn’t expect them to do anything hard, just lend a hand I guess). I don’t know, I’ll think about it.

I haven’t tidied up so I think she’s in for a shock in the morning. Oh well - I have to stop pretending I’m on top of everything I guess.

Just having another person helping would be great. Or take the kids out one day and pay for a deep clean. It's so difficult for you

It was this that really struck me: other people manage to do things without worrying about all the things they're not doing.
They really don't. Everybody is bumbling along wishing that they had got this or that done and thinking that they could have done that better and been more prepared for that. You are not alone. And you are good enough and that's all you need to be. Nobody is perfect even if it looks like that from the outside. Some parents have immaculate houses but their kids never do any creative play. Others are so imaginative but can never get anywhere on time.

You have admitted that you are a good mum and, from the sounds of it, have a good relationship with your partner. You don't need a maire kondo house to be happy.

Get a cleaner and explain to her (let's face it, it's not going to be a man) that it doesn't matter if it's not completely clean when she's finished but you just need 2/3 hours help a week doing what needs doing. I've had the same anxiety as you about cleaning up for the cleaner but I found a local person on the local Facebook community page (not an agency. I always feel they expect more somehow) and explained exactly that. It made me feel so much better. The house was an embarrassing shit tip this morning, but I took the kids to the park and when we came back... magic had been achieved. It's amazing how much gets done without toddler twins round your ankles.

You can't do it all. But you are lucky enough to be in a position where you can pay someone to do some of it.

Be honest with those close to you and let them help you. Only care about what you think, not what others think. It's hard that one. I have to work really hard at that. The junk in the attic isn't important unless it's bothering you. Don't clean it out because you should but because you want to.

Prepare your kids and your in-laws for the babysitting. They clearly want to help and can see you need some fun. See it as practising for future babysitting. It doesn't need to be perfect. There may be tears but everyone will be ok.

There isn't enough time to get everything done. Prioritise just one thing on nursery days. Sometimes that will be csi and a cup of tea. Sometimes it will be one load of washing. Just one thing and you can do that.
Remember: there is no perfect, only good enough.

With regard to you thinking your unwanted clothes would not be wanted by a charity shop, they will be.
Bag them up and write 'Rags ? ' on them. They might open a random bag and take a look, but they get money from recycling that weigh and give them something for them.

I have 3 boys, including twins who are NT. They are chaos, and keeping anywhere tidy is a thankless take. My cleaner is one of my favourite people in the world, and the knowledge that she will be in my house making it better every week keeps me sane. We used an agency, and the first two cleaners were nice enough, but when they sent our current cleaner I knew immediately that she was the right fit for us. She is really practical, notices what needs doing without being told, and specifically told me ‘You have three kids. Do not tidy before I arrive.’ Instead she arrives as we are eating breakfast and tidies everywhere else but the kitchen and then when we’ve taken the kids to school (used to be nursery obvs but they’re older now) she cleans the kitchen and the rest of the house.

Another friend has an agency that send in a team of several cleaners, but they only stay an hour. Between them the clean the house but much more quickly. That might work better and give you more time to be alone in a clean tidy house, which will probably have restorative powers.

With the nursery drop off, is there any possibility that someone from the nursery would come out to meet DH and help him in with the children if asked? It sounds like a more reasonable adjustment than expecting both parents to do drop off.

You are doing amazingly. My three test me to my limits all the time, and they don’t have any particular additional needs. Let go of the guilt. You are doing a fantastic job. You are allowed to have needs yourself and to have those met.

I would totally love a team of cleaners for an hour! That would be amazing

Our homestart volunteer came this morning and found me in an awful state - both twins were away from 00:45 to 4am, and my period started (fucking endometriosis). She took excellent care of the boys while I started on the kitchen. Was hoping to clean the bathroom while they napped but of course they’re not napping.

Going to look up cleaners now.