I think I have low level depression - should I consider antidepressants?

[Cherrycee]

I feel like something is not quite right with me and hasn't been for some time.

I had a pretty difficult childhood with a mentally ill mother and a father who enabled her/buried his head in the sand. Life was chaotic at times and I never really had any stability. Things improved somewhat when I was a teenager and Mum finally got some treatment, and I managed to do well in school, have friends, go to college and get a job. I pretty much faked it until I made it, there were still issues at home but I pretended it wasn't that bad and I worked towards having a normal life and creating the stability for myself that I never got from my parents. I was mostly happy and content in my 20s.

I'm now in my mid 30s and I had a run of horrible events a few years ago. I feel like they have broken my spirit. First my uncle died from cancer, then it transpired that my mother had treated him appallingly before he died. This triggered me having all sorts of realisations about Mum's behaviour during my childhood and how messed up it was. Then my Dad got dementia, my mother's mental health spiraled out of control, and my partner of 7 years left me out of the blue. On top of that, the job I had previously enjoyed had become unbearable due to a bullying, micro-managing boss. Dad had regular episodes of wandering off and going missing, Mum was totally unable to care for him, and we had to fight tooth and nail to get him into a nursing home for his own safety. Mum's issues are ongoing but she refuses help.

Job wise, I ended up moving to a new employer but it was a bad fit for various reasons. I felt like everything was getting on top of me, and keeping up with regular full time hours felt like an enormous drain on me (even though everyone else seems to manage it ok, and I managed it when I was younger). I craved a proper break, and when my contract ended six months ago I didn't look for a new job. I've attempted self-employment and have done some contract work but it's not enough, and I lack the motivation to make a proper go of it. But I'm scared of getting back to regular employment. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but something has to change.

A new DP came into my life two years ago and he is wonderful. He's the only good thing to happen to me in the last few years. He has listened to all of this and supported me, and he think I may have some kind of depression and need to see a GP. The idea of anti-depressants scares me a bit, but I have tried everything else to feel better (counselling, exercise, mindfullness, CBT, etc) and I feel like I'm just stuck in this fog of sadness and confusion.

Sorry this is so long and thanks if you've read this far. I'd love to hear people's opinions as I feel so utterly confused and low, and I don't know what to do. I'm not severely depressed or suicidal or anything like that, but I feel like life has taken its toll on me and I don't know how to get back to myself again.

You have a lot to talk about
Try therapy first

I find a low dose of antidepressants is really helpful for me. I would suggest at least discussing it with your GP - if you find it doesn’t help you can always stop.

To what extent did you pursue counselling for?

Try therapy first

Thanks Lovemenorca, I have done and while it helped a bit in the moment, it hasn't really helped me to move forward.

How long did you stick at it? Did you like your therapist!?

Lovemenorca Yes I liked her and she was helpful in getting me to put some boundaries in place with my mother, and take a break from her when I needed to. I was seeing her on and off for about a year. When I was feeling low and nothing seemed to be helping, I asked her if she thought I needed to talk to my GP about depression, and she said no because I was having a normal reaction to difficult events rather than clinical depression. But the sadness, anxiety and lack of motivation has not gone away.

About three years ago things came to a head with Dad's dementia, the break up and the bullying boss, and I just felt like I couldn't cope anymore. I cried down the phone to my sister and she marched me to the GP, who immediately suggested antidepressants, but I balked at the idea and wanted to try to sort it another way. He signed me off for three weeks and gave me Xanax for anxiety, which I have only taken sporadically when I really needed it. I have since moved to a new area and have a different GP.

If it worked at the time - i would give it another chance before meds
But that’s me.

It helped somewhat but I'm not sure it 'worked'. I continued to feel low and still do, despite trying different techniques like mindfullness, CBT, etc. These things can help in the moment, but they don't really tackle the underlying issue. That's why I wonder if I need medication as well, to get me to a place where these things can have more of an impact.

milienhaus Good to hear that it worked out well for you. I suppose I'm questioning myself about whether I'm really depressed or what it is that's wrong with me.

I've been in a similar position to you OP, you have my absolute sympathies

If you feel anti depressants might help, there's no shame in trying them. You don't have to keep taking them if you don't like them. I have taken amitripyline before and find it takes the edge off things.

Usually anti depressants (short to mid term) with long term counselling works well. But yes, this very much sounds like you've had a lot of trauma in a short period of time, coupled with issues from childhood, to which your reaction is absolutely normal. But that doesn't mean you can't do whatever you want to help yourself.

Thanks UserThenLotsOfNumbers - did you find there were any bad side effects, or was it generally positive?

Personally I didn't get any side effects from 10 or 20mg of amitriptyline, which are low doses. The good thing about this is it works almost immediately, and at a low dose you can just stop taking them rather than taper off, if you find they don't agree with you.

SSRIs are pretty good, although being male I had libido problems. However, at the time that was the least of my worries. They acted as an almost instant emotional reset switch. A slight tendency to get excitable on caffeine, but again, no biggie.

Drugs, of whatever kind, are not a personal failure. After all, antibiotics stop us dying of physical causes, why shouldn't ADs stop our souls bleeding?

Thanks UserThen and DisgraceToTheYChromosome - I think I will make a GP appointment. I know it's silly that I feel weird about it, like I'm not depressed enough for this, but maybe that's just another part of it.

I was in your position on Friday OP, I decided to go to docs about it.
GP said if I felt that I was still fighting my feelings all of the time even after trying cbt and counselling - why not try low dose anti depressant - to see if can pick you up mentally to enable you to not let it all overwhelm you - to get you to a good starting point- rather than be overdrawn as it were.

That's interesting Thecrown3 - I hope it's working out well for you so far.

I have also had great success with low dose ssri. Alongside regular running outdoors, some counselling and generally being more aware of triggers and self care. Mine was much more anxiety based but in danger of spiralling in to depression. Minimal side effects.

I guess you could try them and see?
I had some mild ones about 20 years ago and had some interesting side effects and also couldn't orgasm.
I did cone off them after a while and was then ok for a long time.
Sounds like you've been through a lot so not surprising you feel the way you do and yes, they could work as a reset.

After a traumatic period, I’m in therapy and focusing on exercise OP. I had considered exploring ADs and might again if things don’t improve

Hope everyone else who has been through this is doing well now. Yes JonSnow I think a reset is precisely what I'd like.

Op I have been struggling for quite some time and had been very reluctant to even consider antidepressants. I too have had lots of difficult stuff going on. I saw my GP last week and started on citalopram and already I am feeling a little better. Things are just not so overwhelming and I'm better able to focus on CBT and the mindfulness ect.

Try therapy first

Often anti depressants are needed for the therapy to work. I was way too depressed and angry, I couldn't focus or concentrate on therapy so it was pointless. Once my meds were sorted and my mood was more stable, I was able to work with the therapist. Anti depressants were a game changer, they saved my life!

The last couple of days have been hard, crying a lot and just feeling really low. The work situation has me panicked, the self employment stuff that I wanted to pursue is really not working out, and I think I'll have to go on the dole. The thought of jobseeking and doing interviews fills me with dread but I know it needs to be done to survive. I feel like I've totally messed up my life and I'm really scared about the future.

See a GP first and then go from there - they might not even reccomend meds as you actually have a lot of past issues contributing to how you feel so therapy will probably be more suitable.

If you do go to the GP they might even recommend that you take time out of jobhunting until you've had some effective treatment. Looking for work is a brutal business and not great for most people's self-esteem, especially when combined with the rubbish you get off the DWP.Z

(Sorry about the random Z there.)