I think I have low level depression - should I consider antidepressants?

[Cherrycee]

I feel like something is not quite right with me and hasn't been for some time.

I had a pretty difficult childhood with a mentally ill mother and a father who enabled her/buried his head in the sand. Life was chaotic at times and I never really had any stability. Things improved somewhat when I was a teenager and Mum finally got some treatment, and I managed to do well in school, have friends, go to college and get a job. I pretty much faked it until I made it, there were still issues at home but I pretended it wasn't that bad and I worked towards having a normal life and creating the stability for myself that I never got from my parents. I was mostly happy and content in my 20s.

I'm now in my mid 30s and I had a run of horrible events a few years ago. I feel like they have broken my spirit. First my uncle died from cancer, then it transpired that my mother had treated him appallingly before he died. This triggered me having all sorts of realisations about Mum's behaviour during my childhood and how messed up it was. Then my Dad got dementia, my mother's mental health spiraled out of control, and my partner of 7 years left me out of the blue. On top of that, the job I had previously enjoyed had become unbearable due to a bullying, micro-managing boss. Dad had regular episodes of wandering off and going missing, Mum was totally unable to care for him, and we had to fight tooth and nail to get him into a nursing home for his own safety. Mum's issues are ongoing but she refuses help.

Job wise, I ended up moving to a new employer but it was a bad fit for various reasons. I felt like everything was getting on top of me, and keeping up with regular full time hours felt like an enormous drain on me (even though everyone else seems to manage it ok, and I managed it when I was younger). I craved a proper break, and when my contract ended six months ago I didn't look for a new job. I've attempted self-employment and have done some contract work but it's not enough, and I lack the motivation to make a proper go of it. But I'm scared of getting back to regular employment. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but something has to change.

A new DP came into my life two years ago and he is wonderful. He's the only good thing to happen to me in the last few years. He has listened to all of this and supported me, and he think I may have some kind of depression and need to see a GP. The idea of anti-depressants scares me a bit, but I have tried everything else to feel better (counselling, exercise, mindfullness, CBT, etc) and I feel like I'm just stuck in this fog of sadness and confusion.

Sorry this is so long and thanks if you've read this far. I'd love to hear people's opinions as I feel so utterly confused and low, and I don't know what to do. I'm not severely depressed or suicidal or anything like that, but I feel like life has taken its toll on me and I don't know how to get back to myself again.

I'm on them now- and it was the best decision that I made - had a health issue which for a time looked like a pretty shit outcome was the only way to finish - but fortunately its only been a partly shit one- but despite therapy about it- the anxiety and depression were still there - and after a meltdown on the phone to my best friend- she and my mum marched me off to the gp-

I'm finding 10mg citalopram absolutely invaluable- I haven't found it had many side effects at all- though to start with - the first 2 weeks I got headaches - though this may have been the health scare causing them as that was at the height of the treatment -

I havn.t found a lowering of libido on them- not high drive anyway but while I was ill- before AD's I had none- since starting the citalopram my libido has come back - again only every so often- every couple of months i'll have a sudden resurgence for a week or so- and even enjoy a bit of me time! (but that's' roughly the same as before my depression and anxiety ramped up - so still a win in my book!!!)

the tablets don't block emotions either - I actually feel more on them thatn I did off- probably because with them I can process better - but i'd say more therapy will help too- but the low level AD's will also be beneficial-

don't give up if the first set that the GP will give don't seem to work- you can always ask for different ones- not every AD/ anti-anxiety drug works the same on all people!

Cherrycee it’s understandable given the circumstances.I don’t think it’s you so much as the scary, depressing situation.
However if you did find a dream job, get an inheritance or any other bit of good news you’d probably be ok. So I wouldn’t take anti depressants just yet.

Could you go to Uni? Go through clearing for this year or apply for next year? You would get loans to help you through and it’s loads less stressful than working. Find a course that will led to a job - nursing, plumbing, bricklaying, dog grooming? I think benefits let you claim whilst on some courses.
Look at jobs abroad - housesitting or pet sitting could your DP take time off come too. Anything to just inspire you for life again.
In the meantime exercise is proven to help mental health. I know it’s tough to get started but doing ParkRun or 30 day shred at home anything to get the seritoin levels up.

I’ve started setraline for 5 days- felt a bit out of bonk for a few days but it’s already quelled the anxiety- I don’t feel so “manic”.The benefit of that is that I can think clearly about one thing at a time instead of feeling I’m thinking of all the stuff I need to do and getting anxious/arsey/feeling like I have no time/sinking.

Thanks all, good to see some positive stories.

After barely sleeping a wink last night I fell asleep on the couch a few hours ago and only just woke up. So that's tonight's sleep messed up as well.

Nothing I get what you're saying re: medication and that has been my opinion for a long time too, but I'm realising that I've felt like this for years despite doing counselling, CBT, exercise, meditation, etc.
I already have a masters, which I did part-time while working and I got through it ok and even enjoyed it. Seems hard to believe considering the way I am now. I also have experience in an industry I'm interested in (or at least was) so I don't think I need to retrain, but I do need to get my mojo back so to speak.

I’m just about to see my dr for the same thing. Traumatic childhood event at 4, which was never ever spoken about, has left me a very anxious person. At 53 I’ve just started therapy when I realised I didn’t want to live like this anymore.

The Counsellor has helped so much and she feels a low does of ADs will be really useful.
I was in two minds about taking them but this thread has reassured me, so thanks for starting it Cherry and I hope you can get the help you need.

I'm glad it has helped Lizzie and I hope everything works out for you.

From all you've described, I think a short spell on ADs with a very slow tapering off them might work.
For example, if you take citalopram or sertraline for about 3 months, your mood is likely to lift. You will get to feel like yourself again. The danger is - too long on them and you start to get woolly headed and slothful. So after about 3 months, I'd advise coming off them incredibly slowly. Get a pill cutter and reduce by 25% every second day then 25% each day, and so on, spending a week to 10 days on each transitional dose. That way you won't get side effects or feeling the depression crash back in, which can be scary.

While you are feeling a bit better, put in place all the small things that can help, like regular meditation (it doesn;t help me either, although I enjoy it, but it helps lots of people) exercise: running or yoga are great. So are weight lifting (feeling strong is such a buzz) and HIIT. And you might feel able to look for a new job then.

I also recommend journalling and including in each diary entry three things you feel glad about and three things you've managed to achieve or done well each day. Also, trying to do something new each day - however small, can be a surprisingly effective mood lifter.

Honestly Cherry from what you've described in your latest posts, I think you ought to try the ADs.
As a PP mentioned taking ADs isn't a sign of personal failure. If you don't like them, you can stop taking them. Sometimes though a point is reached where you need to press a hypothetical reset button before moving forward. I hope you are feeling better soon

Thank you UserThen and growling, I think you're right.

Just thought I'd come back and post an update. I went to the doctor today, my usual GP was away and it was a locum I'd never met before. That in itself made me anxious and I started crying in front him! He was great though, very understanding, and said that depression can often come on after going through an intense amount of stress. He gave me a low dose of Mirtrazapine and said if I had any other illness I'd take medicine to feel better, and this is no different.

I have to go back in two weeks to review how it's going. There seem to be an awful lot of side effects with this one, which is a bit worrying, but fingers crossed it works out ok.

Gosh don’t worry about crying infront of the Dr, we’ve al been there.

Glad you’ve got some tablets and hope they help.

Glad you sought help Cherry.
Don't worry, most drugs have a big long list of potential side effects, ADs or not!
Hope you feel better soon

Thank you both. Will take the first one tonight. Hope all went ok for you too at the docs Lizzie (if you've been yet)

Hi CherryCe how are you feeling now? Hope you're feeling better.

@userthenlotsofnumbers- I been on setraline 2 weeks now at 50 mg but that was spacing me out- so I halved it and that’s still stopping me from sleeping and nausea so I’ve stopped.
Got telephone app on Tuesday with doc to discuss.
I had setraline before and really couldn’t cope on it- anyone had this?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Sorry just seeing your post now. I'm almost 2 weeks in now and have a check up with the GP later today.

The tablets really knocked me out for the first few days, then I had a couple of good days, but now I just feel the same as I did before I started. I know it takes time to work though so I'll persevere.

I just wanted to come back to this thread and give an update in case it might be helpful to others in the same boat.

I started mirtazapine in early August. I was very worried about side effects and for the first few weeks I didn't feel like it was helping all that much.

Sometime around mid to late September I noticed that my mood had changed for the better, and I felt much more like myself again. I also started counselling again, but I have no doubt that the medication helped get me to a point where I was able to engage with it. They're not happy pills and they don't fix everything on their own, but they pulled me out of that awful low I was in, and made me feel normal again. Also the side effects haven't been anywhere near as bad as I imagined.

If anyone else feels the way I did and sees this thread, please don't be afraid to go to your GP, and don't (like I did in the past) try to justify why you're not that bad, don't really need medication, should be able to sort it on your own, etc. Medication has been so positive for me.