Sex drive

[Jan664]

My partner has no sex drive I've tried talking about several times. Said he just doesn't want to anymore. Is this normal?

If it’s normal for him then that’s normal, everyone is different.

How do you feel about it ?

Frustrated and hurt

How old he...?? (assuming your partner ismale). Has it always been like this or has it got worse over the years.

I'm 52 & mine is as strong as ever
As a pp has just said it might his normal.

I feel like leaving but in other ways the relationship works

I'm 58 and hes 64 but we are both very fit and active and I put effort into my appearance. Its gradually got worse over the last two years .

Is he willing to compromise in some way or seek help to change things?

Are you hurt because you feel it’s your fault in some way that he doesn’t want to have sex with you? Because it’s almost certainly his issue and nothing to do with how you look.

There are couples up and down the country who are fat, old, ugly or disabled ( or even all four) and they have great sex lives. Because it’s about so much more than how you look.

So it’s unlikely to be because you are not a 18 year old size 6 model ( I’m making assumptions here I know ).

Or are you hurt because he doesn’t care enough about you to do anything about it? Or recognise that you have needs too.

I just feel unloved. I have to say hes not the compromising type likes his own way on most things and is a typically stubborn man .I have to say I put.a lot more effort into the relationship than he does and try to communicate in a sensible way. I've suggested going to doctors but he says no he doesn't feel like and that's it. We have only been together for four years and this problem has gradually got worse.

Worse over the last two years I mean

Sorry OP. When I saw your ages I thought you must have been together years, but if it's a relatively new relationship I would say that it's not worth continuing with. It doesn't seem as if he's bothered by it & is happy with little or no sex. If that doesn't work for you I think it's time you moved on.

I can see why you feel hurt by his unwillingness to do anything. Well at least you know where you stand now;

Stay and accept this is how it is forever
Stay and negotiate something like an open relationship
Go and stay single
Go and look for someone else

I know which I would do aged 58, young and fit, not married and with no kids together. People think 6 years is a big age gap when you are 20 but it’s often a lot bigger when you are in your 50s onwards.

Thanks I know you are right. I have my own house which is presently rented and we live in his house so its not practically hard to go just difficult emotionally. My kids are married and no trouble . But I do feel that he cant be bothered making the effort because he doesn't want.

MN is full of threads by women in your situation. The threads get dozens of replies with helpful suggestions of how their partner/ husband could get help, how they could fix him and how great it could be blah blah blah. Except that most of not all of these men don’t WANT to get help / change things. It’s suits then just fine.

Most men think that sex is a one way street - its all about them and their needs. When they want it, their partner has to oblige. When they don’t, well that’s not a problem.

I’m sure that’s one of the many reasons porn and the (ab)use of prostituted women is so endemic. It’s completely one way and the men don’t have to make any effort at all, there’s no reciprocity or equality.

I’m not saying your partner uses porn or prostituted women BTW, just that it’s part of the same way of thinking ie it’s all about the men and it’s a woman’s job to “put out”.

Yes I see what you mean. They want everything their way. He just use porn just occupied with his activities and likes me looking after him. Hes got it all his way

Ah so you are his mum - you run the house and cater to his emotional and social needs ?

Yes it is pretty much like that but why I then feel so emotionally tied. I would find it difficult to leave on an emotional level. I am educated and have a responsible job but I'm emotionally very soft

I meant he doesn't use porn

Well if you have adult kids then you have spent half your life being a mum - it’s very familiar ( been there, got that T shirt). And it’s how most of us were brought up to think and act. Being a woman was all about meeting everyone else’s needs - thinking about yourself was “ selfish “ .

But do you want to spend the next 25 years of your life like this ?

Yes I know you are right

I've been a mum for 30 years and a single mum for 17 and my daughters are successful and settled..I feel I've achieved a lot under difficult circumstances with my kids and career and have my own house so on the face of it why would I look after a man like a hes a child (or prince) who likes all his own way and doesn't even want any sex. Why is it so difficult to break up. Think I hate failure !

I understand the frustration.

Both the sexual frustration. And the anger at the fact that you do so much for him and he CBA to take even small steps to address the issue. Because for him it’s a non issue. Your needs don’t count.

I feel angry and sad for you.

Yes you are right . It's very frustrating both sexually and generally

I’m in the same boat OP & I’m 15 years younger. Been married years. I’ve raised it multiple times & things change for about a month, then go back to how they were. He blames illness, but the illness hasn’t made him miss a day of work or stopped him doing social activities. I’ve been in this cycle too long & finally decided yesterday I’m done.

Really. Have you decided to leave ?

On the face of it if I leave the things I am losing are some companionship and finacially worse off. But I wouldnt have him to look after when he gives little back

It’s difficult because it’s great in every other way, I have a lovely home & am financially secure. Kids are grown up & independent. I have a good job & only earn slightly less than him. I know I could go off & live comfortably, albeit in a smaller house. I keep thinking, we have been married years, am I mad to just chuck it all away or shall I give it until X date. But, I’ve been doing that for years. Where do you draw the line?