Money going missing

[merlinder]

Over the last couple of months we have noticed small sums of money going missing from around the house. First it was £5 which ds1 left on the table and today there is £20 gone from his money box.

There are 4 of us in the house, me, ds1 and 2 and dh. Everybody says that they haven't got the money and there is nobody that appears to be lying. However logic tells me that it must be ds2 purely because dh has been away this weekend. Nobody else has been in the house.

If anybody has any good tips for how to challenge ds2 without closing down the lines of explanation I'd really appreciate hearing them.

Has anyone else been in the house at all? Do you have a cleaner or have you had any building or repair work done?

The only people who have been in the house are my parents and I just can't imagine that it would be them. They always give the Ds's money. They wouldn't take from them.

How old is he. The approach depends on his age really

DS2 is 12. He has no form at all for this sort of thing. Good kid. Never been any problem. Ds1 is older and has additional needs so gets dla plus has a job so earns a few £ a week and I'm wondering if ds2 might be jealous of his money. I am also concerned that he may be having to give someone else money.

Mark a note. Notice it gone then search everyone...
Getting caught will scare him shitless.. Which he needs before he does it at someone else's house....

I think I'd talk either generally or about a "friend" who was caught stealing and the consequences of it and how the consequences get worse as you get older.

The problem is, if he's denying taking the money to tackle it directly is also to accuse him of being a liar.

If you think he's being bullied into taking it for someone else, I'd talk generally about strategies and solutions to that specific situation

@Sunburntnoseandears yes I thought if that option and I will do that if necessary. But I was really hoping to talk to him and have him tell me. I don't want to close down any conversation as it's so out of character for him that I feel a bit worried that something bigger is going on.

@FrancesFryer
Yes that's exactly it. I've asked directly and he's denied it and, because of his usual way of doing things, I'm inclined to believe him BUT the money's gone somewhere and he and I are the only real possibilities.

Leave some money on a table, have a hidden camera and wait and see.

Ime it's a bad habit. The thrill of not getting caught. My ds stole my wedding fund. £££££. Set him up with £30 - he stole it. He went on to commit petty crimes. . Nip it in the bud today op. He needs your help.

@Sunburntnoseandears god I'm so sorry to hear that. That must have been devastating. I've just been out with him and he's fine, doesn't seem guilty and isn't behaving oddly. If it turns out he has done it I'll be so upset as it will show that he can brazen it out and be convincing. I will have to set a trap up 😕

Mark a note or two.

Could also be a bluff by the other child who has taken the money previously but is now playing victim so that the blame is deferred.

@Soola yes I would have thought the same but I know exactly how much he had as we'd checked on Friday. Came to go out this morning and the £20 was gone so unless he's taken it and hidden it somewhere himself it just doesn't make sense.

Can he actually spend much without you knowing, though?

I would worry very much in case he's giving it to someone else.

@HollowTalk that is my fear but he doesn't seem any different from his usual self.

If it's gone from his money box it has to be DS2, doesn't it? I can see how money could disappear off a table, to be found later, but from a money box?

Does he have enough money, compared to his friends? He shouldn't be comparing himself with his older brother, really, as they're in different situations. Why not ask him how much pocket money his friends have and how much they take to school for lunch?

Is there a possibility that it's actually DS1 taking the money and spending it/giving it away and not want to get in trouble.

DD did it once(long story) and because it was her own money she thought it was ok and not an issue. Once she realised I was cross and it actually isn't ok she would've definitely tried to blame someone else if possible.

@HollowTalk thanks that's actually a really good opener for the conversation.

@YourSarcasmIsDripping I hadn't thought of that and I suppose it's a possibility but he has asd and isn't usually able to display that level of guile. He's very black and white, plus he's very irate about the money going missing.

Any chance when it was taken out and counted it fell behind something and didn't make it back to the money box?

I'd suggest instead of confronting about the money at first, take him for a ride (less confrontational) or a meal/day out and have a chat with him about his life in general,anything bothering him,upsetting him,everything ok etc.? You might get some insight whether he has a reason to take the money and then possibly touch on that. In a "how can I help" way rather than "You're in so much shit right now!!".

@youarenotkiddingme I so wish that this is what has happened. We have looked everywhere it might have fallen or been blown (fans on in house on Friday so not entirely a ridiculous thought) but it's nowhere.

@YourSarcasmIsDripping yes I feel as though I might need to give him some space. I have already asked him if he needs to tell me anything and he honestly seems genuinely puzzled. Truly if the facts didn't point to it having to be him I wouldn't believe that it was for a moment.

He’s not being bullied or something like that where he has to give them money is he? That might explain it?