What would happenn if you just decided to BE the person you want to be?

[GirlFliesHome]

And what would it take?

I am a stressed, dishevilled, slightly distracted loving mum. I am an often frustrated wife. i am a stressed employee who works my socks off but feels overwhelmed constantly. I am 3 stone over weight and I drink too much to 'wind down'. I am overwhelmed by juggling all the balls, and never having time to myself. i feel guilty because I recently changed jobs and so can't take any time off in the summer to be with my gorgeous babies. Yet, when i AM with my gorgeous babies they irirtate me by demanding every bit of me, when i have hardly anything left.

What would happen if i just decided to be the person i want to be?

Calm.
Loving.
Focused on work when I am at work and home when i am home.
Slim
eat well
Able to have interesting hobbies that I do not feel guilty taking the time to do
Aware of and attenttive of my looks
able to read my books that i am supposed to read for my wonderful bookclub!

I want to get my shit together. i want to be more relaxed. I want to be more loving and able to spend time with my beloveds.

Fake it until I make it? I have been putting off things until i feel I deserve them. What if I just decided to BE who I want to be?

What would you be? And- what is stopping you from being that now?

[sunday musings as I frantically try and catch up tasks from work and iron....]

Stopping drinking would help address alot of those concerns

anything else to add nitgel or just that?

How long have you been drinking too much?

I think you're probably on to something there OP. If we all stopped moaning about what we are and just got on with what we want to be maybe it'd turn out to be a damn sight easier than we think.

I'd certainly be calm, I'd also have a perfectly tidy and clean house, and I'd be polished even if not going anywhere.

What's stopping me? Well it's pissing down with rain, I'm still in my pyjamas and I'm comfy...

Maybe tomorrow 🤷🏼‍♀️

Whats stopping me....about £150,000
(The difference between the size of mortgage we could get and a 3 bed terrace in my town)

I don't know, what do you feel you should be doing right now?

Stopping drinking would help address alot of those concerns

Not necessarily. I don't drink any alcohol at all, yet I still feel similar to the OP.

what is stopping me? Well, i guess at the core it is the thought I have to earn being the person I want to be. I have to earn being slim. earn being respected at work and at home. Earn being a worthy human being. I feel that once I am worthy of having the life I want them I can have it. Until then - no. It's like my mother who has been morbidly obese her whole life- she says that when she loses weight she will get her hair cut at a salon. When she loses weight she will get her teeth fixed. When she loses weight she will shop somewhere other than charity shops. She does not 'deserve' it now. I sort of have that whole approach to my whole life. I feel cravenly grateful for a job (when actually I am good at it, and evry well qualified). I feel cravenly grateful for a husband so I put up with stuff and do not demand he pulls his weight as a father and a husband.

That is what I mean.

Money solves a lot of those issues. Money buys support and freedom and time. It can be tough to earn more money though so it’s catch 22.

What's stopping me? My phone! It's shameful.

Good thread op. I'll check back later and write a longer reply

Just do it OP. Just be the person you want to be. That's what I do and it's fine. Nothing goes wrong, no-one objects. In fact, no-one really cares as much as you do, they are all too busy focussing on themselves. Just do it.

You cant just decide to be slim because that takes time, but all the other things you can sure as hell decide to do. You can absolutely decide to eat healthily and you can work on coping strategies to deal with stress or techniques to help you focus.

Don't try to do it a at once though. I was feeling like you but my main one was 'I wish I wasn't so shouty' (to my kids). I hated being that shouty mum. So I decided to just stop, completely stop. Now I do have to count to ten and take deep breaths here and there but I focused on saying the same words but in a different voice and getting down to their level to say them. I can say their behaviour has changed much, but mine has and I feel calmer and more in control.

It's just a tiny example but I think 'acting' like the person you want to be is quite powerful.

Making sure that you get enough sleep could help you to be that person. It's easier to concentrate, eat healthily and be calmer and more cheerful if you've had enough sleep.

Love this! I could have written most of this apart from the drinking....my vice is chocolate.

To get to the person I want to be I have taken the decision to go part time at work. I am hoping this will give me more time to focus on my family and cut down on work related stress.
Money will be tight for a while but things will ease up when dc2 is in full time school.

Let's keep checking in to see how things are going.
My top priority is my house - I work in a school so I'm pottering in the house over the summer slowly decluttering and tidying after a particularly hectic summer term.

Thank you. Picking up the slack for others definitely strikes a chord.

For example, DH has a very consuming and demanding hobby. (It's not the MN-favourite of cycling, but close!). I take my annual leave around his game days so I can be there for the children while he travels extensively for this darned hobby. I resent it to buggery and have for 11 years. But I say nothing. I was brought up short a few weekends ago when I took the Dcs away for 3 days while DH was doing his thing and DC1 asked 'why does Daddy never do anything with us?'

Because daddy finds being a father - and doing 'family stuff- quite difficult. And I buffer him from that. (DH moaned and moaned through the only two family holidays we have done in 11 years- one of which was to Lapland). I find it tricky too. But I take days off in order to support the family. DH takes days off in order to fulfill himself.

I have been thinking also about dropping down to 4 days -but that would be in order to keep on top of the housework.

It seems crazy- DH would call himself a feminist and would support me if I went batshit crazy over what it is I need from him. I just do not feel able to express what I need! I feel guilty.

To do what I'd really love to do I'd have to have the hide of a rhinoceros. I don't. Bullies through childhood left me damaged, damage I can't recover from fully however much I try.

Your life sounds similar to mine (although my husband is lovely, but he works away Sunday to Friday).

The one thing that would allow me to function better would be to get more "me-time" to recharge my own batteries!

I used to work 4.5 days a week and that half-day off made all the difference.

I then retrained for a new career, which I love, but I'm still far too junior to change my hours and the workload is horrendous.

Your husband gets a lot of time for his hobby. Is there any way you can factor in more time for yourself?

Okay- so I need to make changes but doing it all at once is overwhelming.

So this week- I shall focus on being calm. On not reacting to things, but thinking about what I would like to happen and asking for it.

I shall ask DH to be responsible for dinner tomorrow night. I shall give him a day's notice! I shall let him do it without comment or stress from me. If it is cheese on toast that is fine.

One step at a time is a good thing. Maybe break the one step into mini steps as well. Better to do mini achievable steps than one big step which might not be achievable easily.

You know what would happen?
For starters, you’d be kinder and more accepting towards yourself.
You’d spend your energy on finding peace, rather than being at war with yourself.
You’d find that respecting yourself and your needs creates the space you so crave.

That kind of thing.

@GirlFliesHome I’ve also been thinking about this a lot and what is stopping me. I became a single mum 18 months ago and I’m still finding it hard to become who I want to be. Someone said to me to try and look at what I’m afraid will happen if I become the person I want to be - which is a good question.

I have a brilliant example of my inability atm - due to go on holiday with the DC tomorrow. Had a tooth extraction 2 days ago and feel really dreadful. One DC also a bit unwell ( but could probably travel). For myself I’d like to delay by 2 days ( which is possible) so I feel vaguely human again. But for some reason i cant. I don’t even know why? Why can’t I do what is right for me in this instance?

I think some/a lot of it is maybe upbringing? Particularly as a girl where self sacrifice is often highly valued. And perhaps a fear of failure - as in if I don’t really try I can never properly fail.

It fascinates me that others feel this way also.

You have to essentially stop giving a crap about what other people think and realise that you may lose people in the process.

I decided to be me at 23 and not give a crap about pleasing other people, I lost a hell of a lot, but I don’t regret it at all. I could have easily carried on as I was for years, or I had the choice to say fuck it and be me. Saying fuck it worked out very well.

You need to figure out how you can be calmer and recognise the small achievements, not just the big ones.

You also have to be honest and realise that you are the only person who can make you happy.

OP its guilt.....that is what is stopping you...a wasted overfelt emotion for most of us..largely a female affliction..
If we felt no guilt how different would our lives be?