What would happenn if you just decided to BE the person you want to be?

[GirlFliesHome]

And what would it take?

I am a stressed, dishevilled, slightly distracted loving mum. I am an often frustrated wife. i am a stressed employee who works my socks off but feels overwhelmed constantly. I am 3 stone over weight and I drink too much to 'wind down'. I am overwhelmed by juggling all the balls, and never having time to myself. i feel guilty because I recently changed jobs and so can't take any time off in the summer to be with my gorgeous babies. Yet, when i AM with my gorgeous babies they irirtate me by demanding every bit of me, when i have hardly anything left.

What would happen if i just decided to be the person i want to be?

Calm.
Loving.
Focused on work when I am at work and home when i am home.
Slim
eat well
Able to have interesting hobbies that I do not feel guilty taking the time to do
Aware of and attenttive of my looks
able to read my books that i am supposed to read for my wonderful bookclub!

I want to get my shit together. i want to be more relaxed. I want to be more loving and able to spend time with my beloveds.

Fake it until I make it? I have been putting off things until i feel I deserve them. What if I just decided to BE who I want to be?

What would you be? And- what is stopping you from being that now?

[sunday musings as I frantically try and catch up tasks from work and iron....]

I feel exactly the same OP.
What is stopping me? I am tired, so tired. I think I will have to admit I am lazy, a pregnant mum, I don't like myself much and I have spent my entire life wanting to be someone else.

I think I am too tired to change now. I bet when I am 80 I will look back and think the same. What a wasted life.

If I wanted to change I would need to start getting up and exercising, eating better, planning more games and activities for my son, doing hobbies in the evening, meeting friends.

But so don't have the energy

If that helps, the way I look at things now is
'If I was a man, would that be an issue?'
Not that I want to be a man or that I think they are amazing. But abig part of the issue is me always putting myself last and not wanting to do x and y 'because it could be an issue fir dh'
So I've stopped. There is a conference I really want to go to in November. I will go there and I'm not going to check if DH is ok because he doesn't check if I'm ok when he organises stuff fur himself. I also know that if I do, I'll start feeling guilty (both because I somehow feel I am letting him down and because he might take it as an
Opportunity to say it is an issue fir him even if he van actually reorganise himself iyswim)
I've also got a cleaner after years if him refusing to do so etc....

I'd give up work, potter around my house all day, walk dogs for a living and breed golden retrievers. I would chuck my watch in the bin and homeschool my kids. I'm not sure how I'd fund all this though!

I've also looked at what is really important to me.
Atm that's establishing connexion with my dcs, my health and my business.
So I've drawn a plan that includes spending some 1-1 time with each dc. I've told told DH that I will siens a couple of hours with the dcs at xx time. It's non négociable.
Same with my health and my business.
I'm putting myself and my needs FIRST and before his WANTS.

You sound very like my lovely SIL. She surprised me recently by admitting she thinks I've really got my shit together and have a life she envies! I was shocked because from my pov she has the more successful career, out earns me massively and lives in a larger, more glamorous home. She also exercises several times a week and is enviably slim and fit.

But, turns out that despite all she has, she still feels so stressed and driven to do more and be more and constantly feels she's failing.

In comparison, I walked away from my career 12 years ago to work PT in an enjoyable but low pressure job. We could afford a more glamorous house but love our pretty, period home. I am usually calm and content because I have created a life which I really enjoy but that creates hardly any stress. And, for me, that is worth far more than any prestigious career or brand new Mercedes.

Ive been thinking a lot lately about this because i share much of the stuff in your post with you.

I have come to the conclusion that i dont like myself. Not as i am now. And to change, i need to love who i am so i can treat myself and look after myself properly. I DO need my teeth fixed but wont till im skinny so that really rings true for me. And how sad is that? Why dont i deserve to look and feel good about me?

I agree its about making one change so i might sit later and make a list of what i want.

Very good thread OP, it does make you think.

Perhaps take it in stages
1.Stop drinking. 2.Eat better.

1. Invest in you. Haircut/manicure/ overhaul wardrobe
2. Can you address your work life balance Your work load/ annual leave or flexitime
3. Address wifework at home - ie get partner and kids doing their share of the chores To give you a bit of ‘me time ‘
4. Use the me time for gym / reading/ friends or whatever

Baby steps

You're right about taking it in stages. It's too much all at once.

Often (certainly in my case) it's because there just isn't enough time. So you have to focus on tasks which are urgent. Things which are important but not urgent never quite get done. For me that's why I haven't lost weight, got back to meditating which would help me be calmer, or completed the career development things I need to do for my next promotion. They're all important - but there is no actual deadline so they don't ever make it to the front of the queue.

I think you're going the right way - carving out some time, and making a plan to use it to focus on teh things which matter to you.

Good luck!

@clottedcreamoverjam be kind to yourself! You're tired and you're pregnant, both things will pass!!

Is there one thing you could focus on and try to find time for, to make yourself feel it's not hopeless?

@Myriade I think you may have inspired me. Thank you.

I think it's mindset.

I never feel I'm doing enough: could be a better mum, wife, colleague & friend. I get irritated, tired, don't make as much effort as I could.

I want to be fitter: at the moment I have this weird flashback in my head to Jodie Foster in silence of lambs running in the woods. I want to be that sort of woman rather than the sort that is likely going to order take away and drink half a bottle of wine.

I know, objectively, that I'm doing well. I'm successful, my DC are happy and well cared for, DH and I get on and I have a social life but it just never enough to make me feel I'm on top of things.

Sorry OP know answers but I'll watch with interest

Ah, I see you have a dh problem. That's a little different.

If he wasn't a knob I think you'd be much happier.

For me it was having therapy and learning that i was worth it (whatever the it was, i wanted at the time). Before the therapy, i talked myself out of things because basically i didn't feel worthy. Now, i know i am and i do little things for myself with no guilt attached and the knock effects have been huge. I don't take my anger out on the dc or fester at my dh, i have no anger now. That was a displaced emotion from not valuing myself. Now, I ask my dh whatever i need, whereas before i would talk myself out of it and then begrudge him, even though he had no idea of my thought processes.

Nothing. I'm the person I want to be amd am completely happy with my lot.

I'd have a flatter stomach though.

Think it is about confidence and more importantly self-worth and self-esteem. I suffer with this at times. Know you are valuable, precious and deserve these good things. Start off with one and keep putting each foot forward until you are closer to your ideal. Don't put up with other people's BS, don't believe the critics, there will always be people to put you down but look for the positive voices, including your own. That is what I am trying to do now I am older. It's a daily process that is not always successful! Keep going. Good luck.

I hear you op! I feel you too.

My comments on your own situation (just my opinion) - reducing or quitting the booze could help a lot, I come from a family of addicts and I've seen/experienced the damage alcohol can do. Not easy but definitely worth a go I think. Pull your dh up on his lack of effort with family trips/too much time spent on hobby - as you've noted yourself this is a frequent issue on mn. I'm divorced now (he cheated) but I would never have accepted being with someone as a full partner/spouse and them not participating equally in family life. My ex was a sports fan too, but he never prioritised it over our relationship or child while we were together. That's out of order behaviour it's unfair to the DC as you're starting to be made aware of, and it's unfair to you too. He finds "family stuff" boring/unfulfilling? Tough shit! He CHOSE to be a husband and father, that includes the boring/unfulfilling parts too! Just as it does for you!

I also agree break it down into steps/stages rather than fix everything all at once so

1 reduce/stop drinking (this will likely have knock on effect of losing weight, less tired, more calm)

2 discuss with dh that his absence from family life cannot continue, he has responsibilities and needs to step up and be a more involved and supportive husband and father.

3 address your diet and find a healthy eating regime that suits you. I've already lost 2 stone with support from ww when I was better than I am now, I had unsuccessfully tried to lose weight before by "just cutting down" or "just cutting out the crap" it was a revelation to find a way of eating/looking at food that DIDN'T completely demonise or ban certain foods or food groups but instead encouraged eating healthier foods more and less healthy foods. It may just have been my leader (I know they're not all the same) but she also didn't do "guilt tripping" but instead focused on positives and successes and if someone did raise a negative she'd say things like "ok what would help you to avoid making that choice in the future?"

4 consider therapy or doing something like yoga or meditation. I've found these to be helpful in the past when provided by a good quality practitioner. I struggle to do the latter 2 well alone, I need the guidance. Yoga of course also helps with the physical fitness side but is less competitive/a feeling of needing to "keep up" compared to other exercise classes. I also enjoy swimming when I can, physically it's less jarring on the body as you're supported in the water, you can pace yourself too - at my worst it's a case of resting at end of each length but it's still better than nothing and I find it rests my mind too.

I'm currently a housebound, crippled by anxiety and ocd as well as a physical disability, overweight 47 yr old mother of an 18 year old dd who I am FAR too soft on, but equally I feel in other ways I let her down constantly, the house is a mess and needs several repairs done which I am dreading sorting because I will find getting the work done with the ocd INCREDIBLY stressful, I don't/can't keep on top of the housework, or self care (majorly failing there). I feel I'm also letting other loved ones down and am a shit friend/daughter/niece/cousin.

Ideally as I'm unable to work currently I SHOULD be able to relatively calmly and easily run my life covering at least the basics, be a calm, supportive mum to dd who is having her own health & relationship issues, and also manage my lifelong dream that I've never properly done anything about out of fear of failure in becoming a novelist - I have several books started/almost finished but I'm too gutless to show them to anyone! Showed a couple to people in the industry over 10 years ago and got positive encouraging feedback but I didn't follow through.

In a dream world I'd get well enough to work again and be earning, be a full part of society, feel less of a burden generally and have money to do...not wildly expensive/out of reach things but just be able to worry a bit less about paying the bills, maybe even have a BIT of a pension, be able to go on just normal cheap n cheerful holidays sometimes, either boring package holidays or going to visit friends/family who are fortunate enough to live in lovely warmer parts of the world, have normal nights out going to theatre/concerts - just HAVE A LIFE rather than just existing.

I wish I could say no more. I wish I could tell my mum I don't need 45 minute phone calls of her moaning about my dad & my cousins. I wish I could tell her about my struggles & mental health problems but I can't because she'll start drinking again 'worry'.

To be completely honest OP if you divorced your husband and he had to do "family stuff" when he takes the kids on his days you would probably be much happier. But I say that because I literally could not cope with a husband who opted out if his responsibilities ( last time I checked being a parent of your own children isn't optional).
Obvs you don't want to ltb, so I guess you stop feeling as though you are the only parent in your house and tell him straight.
The other stuff is a direct result of taking on more than your fair share.

OP, you can't change what happens to you - kids tantrumming, being busy at work etc - but you CAN change how you react to what happens. Which is a bit like saying 'make it till you fake it' in your original post.

Stop with the priority list: no 1 on your list is too hard / will take too long / will cost too much / whatever, so you never get to no 2 or no 3 etc.

Just start with SOMETHING - you will feel a sense of achievement, and that will give you confidence to start something else.

I had to lose a bit of weight, and I decide I would do it slowly, by myself. I don't care - literally - what anyone else eats. I monitor my own portion sizes, I decide what goes in my mouth - if I eat too much one day, I eat less the next, and so on. I eat anything I like - just less of it / less often. I weigh myself weekly. My weight goes up and down, but mostly down.

You can do all the things on your list, if you really want to.

Check out Mel Robbins and Marissa Peer on YT - they have both massively helped me with self acceptance and productivity.
Marissa has a mantra "I am enough" - really powerful.

In fact Mel Robbins instagram post today is all about this - how women are programmed to feel selfish if they do anything just for them - definitely watch it.

To be completely honest OP if you divorced your husband and he had to do "family stuff" when he takes the kids on his days you would probably be much happier. But I say that because I literally could not cope with a husband who opted out if his responsibilities ( last time I checked being a parent of your own children isn't optional). Obvs you don't want to ltb, so I guess you stop feeling as though you are the only parent in your house and tell him straight.

The other stuff is a direct result of taking on more than your fair share.

This, exactly. I read your OP with mounting incredulity, OP. You are blaming yourself for someone else's shortcomings, and the fact that he is a shitty, selfish husband and father who 'can't cope' with parenting and domestic gruntwork.

I feel cravenly grateful for a husband so I put up with stuff and do not demand he pulls his weight as a father and a husband.

How's that working out for you, OP? Not so great, by the sound of things. And, for God's sake, it is not your fault that you 'can't express what you need' -- it doesn't take a genius to recognise that the household is arranged around one person's hobbies at the expense of the other adult, and that one person gets time off and the other doesn't, and that one person dreams of going down to four days ^ in order to 'get on top of the housework', as if it's some kind of fairytale fantasy (!!), while the other regularly travels all over the world for his hobby and never does anything with his children. This is a huge imbalance in freedom and power.

And you're so 'grateful' for this crappy deal that you're considering asking DH to make one meal. With 24 hours notice. And you sound a bit tentative about that.

Look, OP, I'm not trying to be nasty here. You deserve more than this. What I am trying to say is that you are not the problem here, or, you are only the problem in the sense that you have allowed yourself to be exploited by someone who is supposed to love you. Take back some power.

Another way to look at it.
If the person you were describing was on of your dc, what would you tell them? What would you say to them that is coming from a deep sense of love towards them? What would you want for them?
Think about it and then do that for yourself. Because you are just as worthy as they are.