I've accidentally really hurt my friends feelings

[charlie1511]

It was my birthday last night and I had a meal at a restaurant. I booked a table for 20 and sent in preorders for 14 people. There was one person who didn't send there order and two who were coming late and not eating. The other three cancelled late.

When I arrived the restaurant had reduced the table to 14 despite me telling them that 17 were coming. They said they only made bookings based on the preorders and they were pretty shirty about it. I was late to the restaurant and was really flustered and stressed so we managed to find an extra seat for the one who was eating, 15.

I then text my friend who wasn't coming till later with his friend and asked if we could meet them in the pub after since we were planning to go there anyway. I was under the impression he was already there, with his friend, after attending a wedding or still at the wedding. He replied saying yeah that's fine no need to apologise take your time etc. He popped into the restaurant later on (2 doors down from pub) to give me the present that they had all chipped in on which I had no idea about then we went to the pub maybe half hour after.

Everything seemed fine but when I left I text him later to say thanks for everything he started asking why he couldn't come to the restaurant did I not want him there and he was really put out and pissed off. I apologised profusely but he's not accepting any of it. I feel terrible! I'm closer with him than most of the people who were there and I honestly thought that because him and his friend weren't eating that it would just be easier to meet them after with the shortage of space.

I've been up all night worrying and I don't know what to say to put it right

Most people do not preorder their meals, most restaurants will set your table with the amount of seats you had booked even if you preorder for some of the meals. Most restaurants will also accept a couple of people who are only coming for drinks at the end of the meal especially with such a big table even if you tell them that at the outset.

The restaurant is definitely in the wrong for not clarifying how many they would seat based on the meals that were ordered but I imagine that they got your preorder and thought that the numbers in your booking had dropped, I think this is a reasonable assumption but they should have called you to check that.

But this restaurant obviously does ask people to pre-order. If people don't want to have to decide until they arrive, they would need to choose another restaurant that doesn't require it.

Of course, they would presume the numbers had dropped. It's very common for people in a big group to agree to come but for some to later be unable to or change their mind. Whilst any decent restaurant will obviously treat you well as their valued customer, from their point of view, your meal is the cover on which they focus. Pre-ordering 14 meals at a restaurant that asks you to pre-order is effectively the same as booking for 14 people.

As for keeping spaces for people who say they'll turn up later for a drink, ime, many people supposedly coming later end up changing their minds, getting waylaid, forgetting or even never actually intending to come at all but just saying it as a social nicety (as they see it) rather than just an outright No. Even if they do come, they might just have one cheap drink - could even ask for a glass of tap water - when their space could otherwise have brought the establishment £50-£100 or so in the same time.

If it's a massive old out-of-town Wetherspoons and your non-drinking/eating mates turn up to join you for a chat at Tuesday lunchtime, it's probably fine; but every one of a busy central restaurant's chairs, especially on Saturday night, are at a premium and what they base their viability on. I presume that's part of the idea of 2-for-1 deals that some of the less exclusive places have - trying to discourage odd numbers of people in a party which will leave one space 'dead' and not earning them anything.

The visitors/spectators could have easily stood next to the table, if they just wanted a chat but were not eating. If I take my DS for a haircut, but am not having mine done too, I stand and accompany/chat - I wouldn't dream of expecting to occupy another of their stylists' chairs just to sit there earning them nothing; it's the same principle.

I used to own a restaurant. This sort of stuff really annoyed me.

You would tell customers we needed more preorders for larger parties. Or if people wanted to be in and out super quick.

You ordered for 14. So they gave 14 seats. And then after you turned up late, when the rest were already there you start changing the numbers. They accommodated the extra person who didnt pre order but you wanted 17 chairs for 15 people eating.

It's a restaurant. The accommodate people eating. Not just people wanting to come in a hang out. The restaurant isnt in the wrong.

You confirmed for 14 they provided seating for 14. And added another at the last minute for you.

That said your friend is being weird. Dont know why he didnt just tell people he was meeting you at the pub because he wasnt eating.

Unusual not be allowed to just draw up a chair for your friend to order a drink.

You were not late by six minutes.

You were later than that.

A good host would be there earlier than the booked time.

And theres this. If someone has a table booked for 8pm, they would expected the table to ready just before then. And theres time to sort any issues.

How would you feel if you had turned up at the booked time and the restaurant said your table wasnt available because they were running late?

He's not such a good friend, is he?
Not being there for the dinner, starting an argument about a change of plans for a restaurant he wasn't going to eat in, turning up anyway (unless you were incredibly late to the pub).

Nobody should expect restaurant seats if they are not going to eat or are getting there late.

Aw that's brutal. Maybe show him this post?

You were surprised that 12 people had turned up on time?

Clearly the traffic wasn’t the reason you were late, otherwise everyone would have arrived late!

Also your convoluted reasoning re the restaurant is still unreasonable!

You gave them 14 preorders, which they catered for, you were lucky they could accommodate an unexpected guest.

You sound like someone who finds it difficult to take responsibility for their actions and looks to defer the blame.

If you knew an important guest wasn’t eating for some reason, why not have your meal in a nice gastro pub type place rather than a restaurant?

Organising exact numbers, even if that means chasing friends or crossing them off the list was your responsibility.

Ensuring the restaurant has the preorders was your responsibility.

Getting to the restaurant 15 mins early was your responsibility. Getting there late was the fault of your poor time management, not traffic.

If you had arrived even on time to greet your guests all the confusion you caused would have been smoothed out.

Even if you had arrived late, you should have been full of apologies and explained calmly where the confusion lay and phoned your friend to explain, not try and deflect the blame for the confusion into the restaurant.

Did you tell your friend he’d be able to sit in with you or did he make the same bizarre assumption that restaurants and pubs work the same way?

It feels like you’re someone who thinks the world should work on their terms, and are shocked when things don’t work out or people are upset, or shirty.

Cos you “I didn’t mean to cause any harm!”“ I don’t understand why people are upset with me!” “Everything that happened were completely out of my control!”

When all of this could have been avoided if you had thought it through, planned and communicated with everyone involved effectively.

Perhaps your friend just wants to hear you take some responsibility?

@Hidingwhoiam
The restaurant said if I could get preorders that would be helpful but not essential. I got 14 and emailed to say I was expecting 17 to eat. I didn't include my friends who weren't eating in the list. And yes I arrived at 6.06pm which I guess is more than 6 minutes late as technically I should have been there at 5.45pm - but I made a mistake and got the traffic wrong. Everyone knew each other so there was no introductions to make - not an excuse just how it was. I hate being late so I certainly didn't intend to be late.

So yes it was my fault that my friends who weren't eating didn't have a seat because I didn't actually include them on the order, but because 2 people cancelled last minute they should have had a space, and then could have ordered a starter or side if they wanted to. I was annoyed that the restaurant did not accommodate 17 when I asked for 17.

I am more upset that my friend was so upset and felt excluded deliberately but thankfully most seem to agree that I hadn't done anything wrong by not confirming his and his friends places as they weren't eating/arriving late etc. Thanks everyone.

I was annoyed that the restaurant did not accommodate 17 when I asked for 17.

But you can't book spaces for people who aren't eating, even if people have dropped out.

Goodness, people just lack manners these days. Saturday night, payday weekend, treating a restaurant like a pub, turning up late. But of course it's not your fault.

The restaurant said if I could get preorders that would be helpful but not essential. I got 14 and emailed to say I was expecting 17 to eat

And at what point did you tell the restaurant, that actually only 15 were eating? Did you think to confirm numbers if people eating were lower? When the other dropped out?

Sounds to me like you told then more people were eating, than were in an attempt to get seats for the non eaters.

The restaurant should have set 17, if you told them 17. But you are complaining they didnt, but you didnt tell them there were only 15 people eating either, when the other dropped out.

That's why you turn up a little early. You can confirm everything is ok.

People who are asking, why is everyone commenting on the restaurant when that's not what the OP is asking, arent getting that the OP is blaming the mix up on the restaurant and how it's their fault that the friend feels crap

Personally, I think the OP made some mistakes, not a big issue, but the friend is the one that's being a tit. Executing to rock up to a restaurant and not eat but expect a seat. Then gets shitty when that didnt happen.

The friend is a fault for the mood. But it's not the restaurants fault.

And even if the restaurant HAD set 17. They would have likely taken 2 away when they realised that actually only 15 were eating.

The thread has moved on and raised other issues which I can’t be bothered to address. I don’t think the op has done anything untoward.

Regarding the thread title where the op says they have accidentally hurt their friends feelings I would like to say that is incorrect as it’s the friend who has CHOSEN to take umbrage and have a dig at the op.

He is behaving unreasonably in my opinion and appears to have unreasonable expectations of social events.

I’d tell him to get over himself as he didn’t want the food so therefore it was pointless him coming to the restaurant anyway!

Next year you’ll be having a drink, a takeaway and cake at home by yourself as it’s far too complicated trying to please everyone!

Oh and Belated Happy Birthday, Op! 🎂