What questions can I ask myself about my marriage to decide if to stay or not.

[Fabiano]

I don't want to give a massive story about my marriage but im at a stage (again) where I'm just not sure if I want to continue with it anymore.

There is nothing horrific going on- just over the years I think I'm just worn down by it all and I almost feel like I don't give a shit about it anymore. I think dh is the same.

I don't know what to do..was wondering if you could help me ask myself some questions as I literally don't know how I'm feeling about it all.

Are you safe?

Is he faithful?

What vows did you both take?

www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&crid=1GAZRAFC0PZIY&keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&sprefix=Too+goo%2Caps%2C149&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1564304259&sr=8-1

This book helped me.

If you had wonderful or terrible news would he be the first person you'd call?
Yes

When you've had a tough day so you look forward to walking through the door to see him?
No. I don't even think about him.

How tough will it be on you financially if you leave?
Very. This is the number one reason I've stayed. I honestly think I would be gone if I had financial security/ decent job.

Rainbowsintherain can I ask why you're stayed. Are things not great but not hideous either?

I remember asking a similar question several years ago because I just couldn’t get things straight in my head and I remember someone commented that I don’t sound like I respect him or even like him and then I realised that they were right, I didn’t. It was really hard to see because we just plodded along but weren’t really happy. Nothing catastrophic ended my marriage but it was absolutely the right thing for us. It was only afterwards that I realised how unhappy I actually was and how little of myself still existed. Not sure these ramblings will help, just wanted to say I was exactly where you are and several years down the line I feel sick at the thought of what it would be like if we had stayed together!

Do you still feel happy anticipation when you hear his key in the door?

Do you still feel happy, proud and content walking down the street beside him?

And the reverse to both of those being 'do you think he still feels happy anticipation when he hears your key in the door and contented when he walks down the street with you?'

I think a lot of marriages would end if we judged it on 'do I feel butterflies when I hear his key in the door' after years of marriage and small children. No offence meant to that PP but you'll go through marriage after marriage chasing that.

It's a commitment and often that feels boring and like hard work.

It sounds like your marriage is over, OP.

All these questions, I think I've just been plodding along, busy with work, kids, just being busy and don't really sitting down and honestly thinking about it.

If I could turn back the clock I would never had married him. I have been hurt quite badly by him. In the early years I lost a lot of trust in him after he made a decision without taking me into consideration and I just felt that he put others before me. It was the single thing that's had the biggest negative affect on the marriage. It shook the core foundations and it's never recovered to be honest. I put it behind me but it always creeps back - the hurt and pain he caused.

Over the years I think it's slowly crumbled.

I think we can salvage the marriage but the question is, can I be bothered?

OP, I’ve stayed because of my marriage vows, because we have children, because the enormity of separating just seems too huge and because I don’t think I’d mentally ever recover from getting a divorce. sometimes we have fun. And I look around at friends and acquaintances and I can honestly hand on heart say that I don’t know a single one who has a blissfully happy marriage. A few have been honest enough to confess that their marriages are pretty hard work also. Some tell me they are happy, but I’d take my marriage 100 times over before I put up with their husbands. If I left it wouldn’t be to look for someone else it would be to be on my own. DH isn’t a bad person, there is no Real reason to leave except that I think we both want different things out of life. I want adventure, he wants peace and quiet. We don’t work as a team, and that makes day to day living hard work. We go through troughs and peaks. We had a really tough 18months, it got better for about 6 months, but I feel like we are heading down again. I’d love to think we could grow old together, I’m just not sure it’s possible. I feel your anguish.

I would be asking myself 'why am I still with this person, is it because I want the opportunity to pay him back for the thing that he did at the start of the relationship?'
I don't mean to be judgemental and I'm not suggesting that this is in your conscious mind but it may be in your unconscious mind and it may be part of what is motivating you

It sounds like there is much more than a bit of tedium at play, here. I think you need to ask whether it's possible to do more to get over those early problems - you've already said you don't think you have the will to do so. Is there more that he could do that would change your feelings, or do you think he's blind to how much he shook your relationship?

There was only one question that made me stop in my tracks (before I got divorced).

It was - do you want another 50 years of this?

If not, don’t waste any time.

It was - do you want another 50 years of this?

That doesn’t work for me, because we sometimes have great days. I just keep hoping that all the days become great. Maybe I’m totally deluded.

Do they enhance your life a lot, just by being in it?

Would you happily marry them all over again if they proposed tomorrow?

Are you proud to introduce them as your spouse?

If you can't answer yes to the above then I don't see the point in sharing your life with them? There's a huge difference between being alone, and being lonely.