Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What questions can I ask myself about my marriage to decide if to stay or not.

39 replies

Fabiano · 28/07/2019 05:21

I don't want to give a massive story about my marriage but im at a stage (again) where I'm just not sure if I want to continue with it anymore.

There is nothing horrific going on- just over the years I think I'm just worn down by it all and I almost feel like I don't give a shit about it anymore. I think dh is the same.

I don't know what to do..was wondering if you could help me ask myself some questions as I literally don't know how I'm feeling about it all.

OP posts:

FredaFrogspawn · 28/07/2019 05:24

Do you truly want to grow old together? Can you envision being good companions in retirement when you will be spending so much time together. Do you want to be the one who nurses him or has him nurse you should old age illness or limitations occur.

RubberTreePlant · 28/07/2019 05:27

Am I happy?
Do I feel safe and supported?
Would I marry him/her again tomorrow?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2019 05:41

Is he the person you go to with everything, good and bad? If no, it's over.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

FredaFrogspawn · 28/07/2019 05:55

I don’t agree that your life partner has to be your ‘everything’. That seems a bit idealistic.

Original poster

Fabiano · 28/07/2019 05:57

Do you truly want to grow old together?
I don't know

Am I happy?
Not really but I'm not utterly unhappy either more lacking any emotion about my marriage. It feels a bit dead and there are moments when I feel really sad about it but then I forget about it and carry on with life.

Do I feel safe and supported?
I feel safe. I do feel supported but not emotionally. He's not the one I go to if I need a pick me up/ hug. He's just a bit rubbish in that area, not being mean.

Would I marry him/her again tomorrow?
I don't think I would

Is he the person you go to with everything, good and bad?
I do. But have lately found myself not wanting to share the odd thing with him - I just feel what's the point- he'll just ignore me/ won't say anything about it.

OP posts:

RangerLady · 28/07/2019 06:00

If you had wonderful or terrible news would he be the first person you'd call? When you've had a tough day so you look forward to walking through the door to see him?

Rememberallball · 28/07/2019 06:42

Will the consequences of leaving be better or worse than the consequences of staying?
Will you actually notice if they don’t come home at the end of the day/would they notice if you didn’t come home?

Rainbowsintherain · 28/07/2019 07:11

How tough will it be on you financially if you leave? DH and I have been through some really rough patches. I have a stable well paid job and could leave with nothing and still be fine financially; I have stayed anyway. I think if I’d be strugglingfinancially day to day and the marriage wasn’t hideous I’d stick around. I know more than one person who ‘lives separate lives under the same roof’ and that’s how their marriage works. I don’t think the grass is greener elsewhere.

BillywilliamV · 28/07/2019 07:18

Er, have you got children?

BenWillbondsPants · 28/07/2019 07:31

Er, have you got children?

Having children is not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage IMO.

PooTodd · 28/07/2019 07:58

If you met him today, would you want to pursue a relationship with him?

Imagine retirement - apart from individual friends and hobbies - you'll be spending a lot of time together, do you look forward to that?

When you hear his key in the door, are you pleased he's home or does your heart sink a bit?

Monitor a day with him: roughly what percentage does he irritate you/you wish here wasn't there versus the percentage you're enjoying his company?

Kiwiinkits · 28/07/2019 08:12

Does he challenge you to be a better person mentally, physically and spiritually? Is he on your side?

daisychain01 · 28/07/2019 08:18

Is there trust between us?
Do we rely on each other to be on-side?
Do we share similar values?

Being on-side does not necessarily mean always being in agreement about everything. What it means is when push comes to shove you've got each other's backs.

Btw the above three things are the reason DH and I are together and strong. We can compromise on many things, but not these 3.

daisychain01 · 28/07/2019 08:21

Er, have you got children?

Having children is not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage IMO

Maybe that's true, but having DC does need to be a very important consideration when thinking of leaving a marriage.

BlamesFartsOnTheNeighbour · 28/07/2019 08:39

If you do have kids, what life lesson do you want to teach them about relationships? that you stick with things when they're tough, not walk away, or know when to admit defeat and walk away with your head held high? Both are valid.

ALittleBitAlexis · 28/07/2019 08:43

Does picturing the next, day, 10 years with him make you feel excited, indifferent, or does it fill you with dread?

ALittleBitAlexis · 28/07/2019 08:43

*say, not day

historysock · 28/07/2019 08:48

Does the idea of spending the next twenty years with him give you a sense of happiness or a sense of despair?

SeaEagle21 · 28/07/2019 08:52

If you do have children ....would you still want to be with him once they have left home ? Children are often like glue holding us together - without them would you want to be with him ?

Kez200 · 28/07/2019 08:58

How old are you?
Are you well in yourself?

BenWillbondsPants · 28/07/2019 09:09

Maybe that's true, but having DC does need to be a very important consideration when thinking of leaving a marriage.

Absolutely agree @daisychain01, which is why I said having children is not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. I want my children to see a happy, solid partnership. I don't want them to think they need to settle or stay in a miserable relationship or think that's what a marriage should be like. I want them to see their parents happy - hopefully together, but if not, in whatever form that takes. That is all achieveable while still making them a priority.

I have a friend who won't leave her abusive husband 'because of the children'. So they hear the arguments and see the fights. And they see the bruises. I think she's letting herself and their children down by staying (It goes without saying that their father has let them down the most). Unfortunately, her oldest is now showing signs of his father's behaviour.

BillywilliamV · 28/07/2019 09:14

Having children is not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage but it’s a bloody good reason to stay if you are not sure.

Babdoc · 28/07/2019 09:18

Think back to when you and DH first got together. What were the things you loved about him? Why did you marry him?
Are those things still present? And if not, why not sit down with DH and have a discussion. Tell him the things you loved him doing, the things you’d like him to do again. Ask what he’d like to recapture that you used to do for him.
You presumably adored each other once. Work out what has been eroded by life, time and familiarity, and plan together how to restore it.

CloudRusting · 28/07/2019 09:23

I would ask yourself whether it is a stage of life thing or a specific relationship thing. And so how far may your disenchanted be environmental.

For example if you’re at the stage where you’re both working hard, have young children, money is tight, time is short and everything feels like a permanent crappy treadmill then you could be married to a brilliant person but still be worn out and worn down. But if objectively you’re having an easier time of it and you still feel like that then that may be different.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/07/2019 09:35

Acid test to me, is how would you feel if your dh told you out of the blue that he'd found someone else, he was leaving you?

Relief? Or.....

Don't forget that many marriages go through tough or just plain dull patches, esp. when children are small/demanding and you're both too tired most of the time to make much of an effort.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread