How do I teach resilience?

[Mummyofbabyandcats]

I have a dd, 2 . She is just a fun loving character however I have been wondering for sometime about resilience. It's something that pops up on MN often and it's importance.

It's something I don't think manage well at. All through life I've quit one thing or another and was bullied as a child. I take the passive approach.

So how do i teach my daughter resilience and to speak up for herself ?

Firstly resilience and speaking up and 2 different things.
Resilience is about staying strong after a set back.
An age old one is growing sunflowers. When you get some growing well, slowly kill them off one by one, eventually you'll have 1 growing pretty well. Snap it. It's not nice but a life lesson. Usually for an older primary school child though.
The child I'll have to learn to cope or problem solve. Either plant some more plants or try and rescue) salvage what's left. ( I rescued a snapped sunflower once!).

It's just really exposing your child to life experiences that's all you can do.

Don't always back their feelings. Get them to see all perspectives of situations.

Yes, resilience and speaking up for your self are two different things.

I guess I really just want her to be the opposite of me as I feel like I'm a bit of a door mat most of the time.

Wow, interesting sunflower idea.
I agree that speaking up for yourself, not being bullied, and resilience are different things. I have had issues with bullying and not speaking up for myself, but in some ways am resilient. I've been through really bad situations, and picked myself up and turned things around. To be honest, I think it's in part genetic.

Teaching her to loose - don't let kids win every game.
Problem solving- where you have to keep trying after failing to get something.

Resilience is about being able to cope with failure, loss etc without it feeling like the end of the world.
Uniform groups like scouts and guides teach this really well- studies have proved this. But the youngest section isn't until 4(rainbows)

Have a look at the mighty girls webpage/Facebook

For me I don't let my kids win everything, I don't rush over when they fall (I do offer comfort but I am generally of the "oops brush yourself off" approach). I make them stick out their hobbies for longer than they wish to and I tell them the bad bits of their acheivements/reports alongside the good. E.g excellent report but teacher says you need to work out on writing so we will practise that. Well done.
I tell them to stick up for themselves. Told DS when he was bullied that if someone hit him and he hit them back, I would support him if he got in trouble. Maybe not everyone's view but it was going on for weeks and the other kid wasn't in trouble for it.

I also have my 6 & 3 yr olds helping round the house. I am not raising snowflakes!

In regards to work, not wanting to quit one thing after another.

Try giving her a 'job' that comes with a end of week reward. Something simple like, put one toy away once you've got it out, or helping her wash up her breakfast bowl every morning, everyday and at the end of the week she gets a treat e.g magazine, stickerbook, 20p to put in a piggybank.

It teaches routine, patience and the ability to learn a good work ethic.
The hard bit is sticking to it. If you have a calendar that you tick off every day she does the task, if she misses a day the treat is deducted until the following week.

Your DD is only 2 though, I have a 2yo niece and I'm not sure they would understand the concept just yet.

I would say at 2yo mainly wait for resilience to be displayed naturally then praise it loads!! Wait a couple of years to implement anything else.

Resilience - give them space to fail. It is the trying not the achieving that matters. Ask them to try their best in what they choose - and it is their choice not your expectation. If they have put their everything into it then do not be disappointed even if they are not the top of the class / best looking/ you can't top the top bragger at the PTA. That way they learn that if they follow their path you will love them no matter what others say. That gives them confidence to believe they can deliver and this gives them resilience.

Fill her up with love.
Talk to her about events, happy and sad, as they occur.

Don’t pander to their every whim. Teach them to loose and cope in small ways. Don’t rush in to solve every perceived injustice. Let them fail sometimes and survive.
Insist on commitment being honoured. Insist on them not dropping things for a better offer. Teach them to be kind to others.
Let them know your love is unconditional but you have expectations around work and achievement.
Teach them to forgive themselves and others. To laugh at themselves sometimes. Make them take responsibility for relationships and learning. Don’t allow or encourage them to dump the blame on others when things go wrong.

I think the sunflower idea is mean.

I guess I really just want her to be the opposite of me as I feel like I'm a bit of a door mat most of the time

In the nicest possible way OP, maybe you need to change & she should follow suit.

Show her that you won't be walked over & nor shall she.

She will look up to you, so be the best role model you can be.

That is how I do it anyway.

It’s an interesting question, OP. My experience is entirely different - I had a very supportive, encouraging family & have never had low self esteem or was insecure. But I lack resilience to the point of feeling skinless & unable to cope - particularly in my mid twenties to mid thirties. But I was never competitive, happy to fall/try again/lose etc throughout my childhood. Understood death/responsibility/accountability/criticism etc. It just developed much later along with depression & anxiety. So I agree the best tactics are to expose a child to situations where they will learn to bounce back (with lots of love & encouragement) but there is no real guard against one day feeling all fragile & crumple at everything & anything. Meds help as does family & friends & self care & therapy.

Oh and another thing worth mentioning if you are worried, is that people who lack emotional resilience may find they are not suited to working in certain environments/cultures/roles and need a softer path. We can often be pretty kind & caring & intuitive & empathetic so not all bad.

CherryPavlova lovely post!

Tbh I think this website is obsessed with resilience in children with a ridiculous high standard for it.
"Get back on that horse"
Dude,the horse is dead and the rider is uncountable.

You know what? It's just as important,especially for kids to be able to say "I can't do this anymore" and be listened to. Or even "I don't want to do this anymore" as long as it's a well reasoned argument.

We are raising kids,not robots. They will have feelings,they will have meltdowns, they will have absurd highs and lows and that's perfectly fine. Some things will affect them more than others and it doesn't always make sense, like crying for 3 hours after a movie compared to 5 minuted and over it about a pet dying.

What cherry said. Also play outside. Nature will not bend to your will, even if you are only 2.

Thanks for your responses, a lot to think about.

I think I'm getting better at sticking up for my self. When it comes to Dd I I don't have issues with that. E.g. if someone's doing something I'm not happy with I just tell them and that's that. I just need to transfer the skill to myself .

Guess I've felt I've always had to tow the line, don't make a fuss etc.

I absolutely don't want that for my dd. I want her to feel strong and confident to speak out and challenge if she doesn't think something is right or agrees with. That's way down the line from a 2 year old lol

Natrually she likes to feed the cats, morning and night. Its something she wants to do as she see us doing it. Its helping build up a lovely bond with her cats also. This may be a good place to start, especially as it's something she enjoys doing.

Someone made a good point about not giving into her every whim. Something I should be very mindful with as we approach the terrible two's!

You don’t teach resilience, you foster it - by which I mean that you provide your child with a secure base from which to explore the world - by being consistent with her, having good routines, being wholly accepting of her good and not so good characteristics, helping her to have words for feelings and ways to express emotion and helping to regulate strong feelings by showing her she can feel angry/disappointed/sad and it won’t overwhelm her. Resilience can be described as the ability to develop in adverse circumstances - adversity is a part of life, you don’t need to manufacture challenging situations to “teach her a lesson”, simply help her cope when things go wrong.

Generally, the more self accepting she is, the less she relies on other people for her sense of self, the more able she will be to bounce back. At the moment though she’s 2, resilience will be built in her relationships with supportive adults in her life who unconditionally accept her and love her.

I should add, most importantly i want her to be happy. Happy in life, happy in love, happy I'm herself. I just want to make sure I try give her a good start.

I think the sunflower idea is mean
Yep me too unless you want to teach kids try hard if you like but there’s always going to be someone to sabotage you.
To be honest my DD struggles a bit with resilience because she’s a worrier and over thinks things a bit. That doesn’t mean she can’t speak up for herself and she’ll be the first to speak out if she thinks something they shouldn’t be doing or being unkind.
We just give her lots of love, reassurance and room to fail. Everyone comments what a kind child she is even if she is a bit sensitive.

Wanting someone to be happy is quite a tall order, it sets an expectation that it’s impossible to meet. What does it even mean?
If you can help her to understand her emotions, celebrate when she is happy, talk with her when she’s sad, help her to feel safe if she’s afraid and angry you’ll be giving her a great start in life.
We can often be worried that our children won’t cope with life, perhaps because we struggled with certain things, didn’t get the help and understanding we needed. You can be her supporter and guide, and her biggest fan!