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Original poster

How much do you/you OH know about your family financial situation?

32 replies

munemema · 23/07/2019 13:42

I am a saver. DH is a spender who had debts when we met.

I refused to marry him until the debts were sorted (which he did himself under my guidance Grin ) and I've managed the money ever since.

We actually now have a fairly comfortable position, due in part to both him and me earning more in our respective careers than we would have ever thought possible when we started out but also because I prudently overpaid the mortgage and made sure we always lived well within our means. Apart from the mortgage we have never borrowed for anything in 30 years - I was always taught if you can't pay for it you can't afford it!

Anyway, DH knows very little of any of this. He is accustomed to going to the cash point/using his card for everyday purchases and we discuss anything larger but he has no idea of the state of our savings accounts. I haven't hidden it, he simply isn't interested.

I have joked several times that I could take it all when I run off with the milkman and DH would have no idea what he'd lost financially. This doesn't seem to bother him.

It would make me feel very insecure and whilst I'd like to think that I'd be decent if the assets every needed to be split, who knows what would happen in the bitterness of a split (please God , it won't come to that)

Anyway, I was wondering how usual it is for one partner to be so in the dark. And, if it's possible for savings, presumably it's possible for debts too?

OP posts:
hadthesnip2 · 23/07/2019 13:52

I've been a financial.advisir for almost 30 years & it amazes me the amount of people who don't know their financial position when as part of a couple. Either the dutiful stay at home "wife" who wouldnt know what her husband earnt or, as in your case OP the husband who has no idea what savings they have or where all the financial stuff is should their oh drop down dead the next day. Sometimes its ignorance, sometimes its controlling but mainly its down to dividing the "jobs" into how the couple best see fit.

Why don't you sit down with your oh & go through everything with him. Tell him his true worth (monetary) and see what he says.

HollowTalk · 23/07/2019 13:53

Oh I wouldn't tell him anything. I'd be worried that he'd want to spend the lot. Leave it as it is. Do what you think best with the money. If there's plenty in savings and he's not over-spending now, that's great, isn't it?

MissDew · 23/07/2019 13:55

Joint account, both pay our earnings into it. Complete clarity. No argument about who had the last fiver.

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General money
user1493413286 · 23/07/2019 13:56

I manage our family finances primarily because he’s so bad with money. I do talk to him about it but he prefers to just know what he needs to put into our account each month. I find it odd to be honest as I’d want to know if I was him.

Fortheloveofscience · 23/07/2019 13:56

We’re the same as you OP, OH can access our bank accounts as easily as I can but couldn’t tell you without checking how much money we have.

When discussing major purchases he just asks me “can we afford this” and accepts my response. If it’s getting towards the end of the month he will sometimes check (with me) what our current account’s looking like but often wouldn’t think to.

Veryouting123 · 23/07/2019 13:57

We know everything.

I have a friend whose finance has admitted is in a lot of debt. She still doesn't know the full amount or what/who the debt is with and I find that shocking, especially as she is contributing a bit to help pay it off.

Original poster
munemema · 23/07/2019 13:57

Yes Miss Dew, everything we have is in joint names (except for ISAs which can't be but we have exactly equal balances) , he just never looks at it.

OP posts:
Veryouting123 · 23/07/2019 13:58

Whose "fiance" that should say! (Money on the brain)

JoJoSM2 · 23/07/2019 13:59

I’m now a SAHM and DH is the earner. I manage our family finances. He trusts me and isn’t all that interested. I need to sit him down every so often so we can go over our Excel spreadsheets and make bigger decisions together. I do make sure to sit him down, though, as I think it’s important for both partners to participate in decision making.

EssentialHummus · 23/07/2019 13:59

Not exactly the same thing, but now that I SAH (mainly) I am much less tuned in to our finances than I used to be - I remember when I was saving up for my first home, alone, how I planned and saved and researched, and how far removed I feel from all that. On the other hand when it comes to saving money on bills and purchases I can run circles around DH.

MsMarvellous · 23/07/2019 14:01

We share everything 50 / 50 and both know the state of savings and finances. I run it all (it's literally my job as part of our business) and I run that into our personal stuff too. He gets updates every month when I run payroll and move that months income around to where it needs to be.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/07/2019 14:03

We have much the same set up. I do it as he works away a lot and I work from home.

But we have a quick chat every now and then... just to make sure we both know what is going on! But he probably wouldn't ask unless he needed a big purchase!

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 14:04

No joint account as it was another faff to think about.
Business account, and each have a current account and savings.
I-spend manage the finances, he does the work

EdtheBear · 23/07/2019 14:13

I'm in two minds about this. You know your partner best.

Some people would spend every penny, and want to go on a spending spree rapidly undoing all the careful budgeting. Others would accept that you need and want a big "rainy day" fund.

But after 30 years together I'm assuming that you are heading for retirement. Maybe it's time to be discussing retirement plans, including pensions, early retirement, standard of living you want to have.

Rainbowknickers · 23/07/2019 14:20

My parents in law are the sweetest couple I have ever met
But my fil has cash put away that my mil doesn’t have a clue
She didn’t have a clue how much money was in savings until my fil had the fabulous idea of buying us a house (that we rent back from them)
Part of me hopes she goes first cos she would be stuffed financially
It’s that or she is more savvy than she seems to be (I hope so)
She’s never paid even a phone bill-he does it all
She has her pocket money and they both seem happy with that

In our house we both know what’s coming in and going out

BlueSkiesLies · 23/07/2019 14:23

I'm highly suspicious of adults who choose to live like children in financial ignorance and essentially receive pocket money. They have checked out of a large part of being an adult.

pallisers · 23/07/2019 14:27

We have had joint finances since we married. We both know exactly what our finances are. Everything is in both names except for our pensions, dh's work shares and an account I have with an inheritance from my parents. I manage all of the finances/pay all bills etc.

pumpkinpie01 · 23/07/2019 14:29

My DH is very laid back about everything whereas I know I can be a bit of a control freak, I have the online banking app on my phone and he will ask me how much we have left. We have just got back from a week abroad and he never asked me how much the holiday was. As long as we aren't in debt he leaves it all up to me. I often say we need to save for such and such and he would just say yea ok then !

MissDew · 23/07/2019 14:44

I'm highly suspicious of adults who choose to live like children in financial ignorance and essentially receive pocket money. They have checked out of a large part of being an adult.

This^

To many women (?) have relationships, even marriages with men (usually). Who are in debt when the met. The not indebted partner helps to pay of or pay off in full the debt/s of the indebted partner.

The better (more grown up) money manager becomes 'head of household finance' whilst the, frankly, child is glad to have someone to do it for him oops, them.

Then seems shocked that the reckless with money partner has spent them into heavy, relationship threatening debts. (Because of the distrust over money because the finance was taken out in secret.)

I thought you would be cross if you knew. Is all the careless with money partner can say. Ask them where the money has gone and again, they will lamely say, 'I don't know.'

Basically, money means nothing to these people. Debt does not worry them or make them feel guilty. Their here today gone tomorrow attitude to money is what's at the heart of it. THEY NEVER CHANGE.

Parker231 · 23/07/2019 14:48

We have total visibility and understanding of all accounts, savings, investments, tax liabilities, everything.

I’m amazed at couples who don’t know what their partners salary is or what savings they have - a recipe for disaster!

Alarae · 23/07/2019 14:54

We know each others rough savings/debts (only mine at the moment, mainly because I had to repay an ex-employer training costs!) but he doesn't know diddly squat about the expenses of running the house.

I tell him to put a set amount into the joint account every month and that's it. He doesn't know the finer details. Doesn't know the log in details to the joint account either.

It's funny, because I know the PINs to all his cards but he can't be bothered to know mine (which I've told him before).

He's not a numbers man. As long as he knows what he has to pay, and has some money left over to play, he's happy as Larry being left in the dark.

sugarbum · 23/07/2019 14:57

My DH doesn't have much of a clue. He is by far the larger earner, but I deal with all financials (he's an accountant BTW).

He has pretty much no clue about running the house full stop, although to be fair its not so much about knowing, more about 'doing' and I'm always the one that 'does'.

It actually suits us ok as a couple - I'm controlling and need to be organised and know where the cash is going. He gives no sh*ts and relies on me to sort everything out.
Honestly I could be fleecing him for all the world and he'd have no clue. I do buy more dresses than perhaps is required... We moved house last year and I dealt with everything. Now and again I'd stick some paperwork under his nose and tell him to sign it.

Its kind of exasperating actually, when its that important. I'm like 'read the f*cking contract this is our HOME' and he's like 'oh, I'll do that later'. Which he doesn't.

It took him a year to sort out the childcare vouchers (money going directly to school) after DS1 moved to secondary and we didn't need that amount any more. Which means we have a credit of about £2.5k to use on breakfast and after school club for DS2. Luckily he has two more years of primary in which to use that up. I have been nagging him to do that since January 2018 (childcare vouchers are from his work, not mine) and its only just happened.

MissDew · 23/07/2019 16:19

(he's an accountant BTW).

So is my DH. He likes to keep track of our finances on a spreadsheet - of course. He does not mind where the money goes within reason, i.e. he's not funding my midlife crisis or his !

He basically wants to make sure we have enough money and don't run out or miss out. It's also a way of making sure we've not been a victim of a scam i.e. phishing, that sort of thing.

He went several rounds with our old energy supplier when we moved house. He also dealt with the council tax when we moved to a different local authority. He will remark in conversation which bill is likely to fall due shortly. So when I look at the bank balance, factor that in i.e. it's money that is spoken for.

Geraniumpink · 23/07/2019 16:28

I deal with all the financial stuff and do most of the spending. DH isn’t really a spender and we are in agreement about saving up for things before we buy them and (mostly) not getting in to debt. So whilst we have the same financial values, he just goes along with whatever is needed. To be honest there isn’t a lot of money to manage anyway and I quite like the challenge of making not much go as far as possible.

MinnieMountain · 23/07/2019 16:37

All accounts are joint apart from our ISAs. We have an offset mortgage so they come up on the mortgage statement anyway.
DH puts more into his pension than me for tax purposes.
He's an actuary so tends to do the research and calculations before we make a financial decision.

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