I can’t see any point in carrying on

[decisionsindecisions]

I don’t know if I’ll come back to this thread but I need to get this down somewhere and I don’t have anyone I can speak to about this. My life is pointless and I can’t see anything that is positive in it.

1. I left my husband last September. He’s not a good man. He lies and he can’t be faithful. I know he’s bad for me but he wants me to move back in with him. I’ve agreed to this but I feel sick about it.
2. My son has been permanently excluded from school. I had a conversation with a key worker who specialises in autism who says my son has been massively let down by the school. He’s 15 and now lives permanently with his dad because I could no longer cope with his behaviour. He’s only recently been diagnosed with autism and I feel so guilty that I didn’t see it earlier. So that’s my marriage and my son that I’ve fucked up.
3. My hair is falling out. This is a permanent situation and it won’t grow back (scarring alopecia). It makes me feel shit.
4. Unfortunately I also have gum disease which is not only genetic but also exacerbated by my immune system. So I’m losing my hair and my teeth.
5. I have £300 to live on after my bills are paid. This means no new clothes, no holidays etc for the rest of my life. I’m 45.
6. My dad died when I was 13 and my mother is horrible. I haven’t spoken to her for five years. So I have lost my husband, my son and my mother. I don’t have anyone who loves me.
7. I’m renting a flat. I like living in a flat and thought I might be able auto afford to buy one. All of the flats in my area have onerous ground rent provisions so I would be stupid to buy one.

I know this is all very negative but I feel trapped by circumstances and I would sincerely like to not wake up tomorrow morning. I can’t besr another 30 or 40 years of this.

OP, what is good about your life and what changes could you make to feel happier?

It won't be 30 years of this. This is your lowest point, and of course you feel like there's no prospect of a better life, but it's not true. You've escaped from a bad marriage; you've finally got a diagnosis for your son. These are positive things, although they won't feel that way now.

Please don't move back with your husband (whose sudden need for reconciliation may be driven by the fact that he's now caring for his child full-time...). Take this time to be alone; think about how you'd like your life to look in ten years. Investigate what supports might be available for your boy, now that the immediare pressure of his day-to-day care has been lifted for a bit. Is there a friend you could call tomorrow for a chat?

I have thought and thought about this. I honestly cannot see any point to my being here. I’ve had three abusive relationships. I’m only thinking of going back to my husband for financial reasons. He has thrown me out of our rented marital home three times now. The thought of giving up my flat petrifies me but I can’t cope financially on my own. My son is happy living with his dad. I’m a bit surplus to requirements

My current husband is not my sons dad. My son is gone. He only contacts me if he wants pocket money. I don’t think he’d be very bothered if I wasn’t around any more.

But you’re not surplus to requirements in your own life, you can achieve anything if you want it enough. I really believe that, you just need to know what you want

Brace yourself, because I’m going to mum you. It may be a bit annoying but it may help a tiny bit (in time-honoured mum fashion):

1. Don’t move back in with the horrible ex. NO. Absolutely not.

2. it’s good your son has a dx now. He is still very young. With support and guidance there can be many positive steps for him.

3. Sorry about your hair. That’s tough. Research alopecia support forums. Reach out. Think about headscarves/head bands/cuts which could help. Yes I know that’s trite and glib but also, it might lift your mood.

4. you must do all you can to boost your immune system. Research superdosing vitamin C. Do all the things that boost the immune system: every one of them. Exercise, meditation, vitamins, supplements, plenty of sleep, water, walks in nature, reach out to friends, watch comedies, treat yourself now and again. Yes ALL of them

5. your current financial situation is not for the rest of your life. You have so much scope to make changes. If you don’t have the energy right now that’s ok, consolidate some healing time first, but there can absolutely be a shift here, a new job, a new option.

6. ❤️ Wish things were different for you with your parents ❤️ Be very kind to yourself around this. When the feelings arise hug yourself and tell yourself “I love you”. Even if it feels cheesy. Do it anyway.

7. Keep looking and buy a flat. Fuck it.

Or ignore all of the above...just be on your own side and know that everything can change for the better.

Is there anyone you can speak to IRL tonight? Or even better, be with. I think you sound really sad and I'm concerned about you.

I just want to have a normal life. But this is not possible. I feel so shit about myself and I don’t have the money to change things. My, dentist is talking about implants but this is impossible for me financially. My hair loss is more and more obvious and again I can’t afford anything to hide it. I don’t want to live like this.

I don’t really know why I posted this. I think it was to see things in black and white. I know that I might appear weak to some people but I’ve tried and tried over the years and I now feel backed into a corner. It’s like I’ve ran out of options.

Anyway. I’m going to bed now so apologies if anyone else posts.

You don't appear weak to anyone, but you are clearly finding things hard. No one is going to judge you here, we will only be concerned because you're being very hard on yourself.

You don't seem weak at all, just an ordinary person who's had to deal with a lot of shit. Please don't go back to an abusive relationship (I'm very glad to hear your ex isn't your son's father - that makes it much easier to cut him out of your life completely). You deserve much more than that. You are free, now - your ex is gone, your son is safe and cared for - this is an opportunity you need to grab with both hands.

The low points in life can be so deep that we can't see anything ever changing. We get worn out and flattened by it all. OP I have been in that place different circumstances, but I know that awful soul destroying existence. I used to go to work pick up the shopping for the weekend and lock the front door. I wouldn't go out till Monday morning for work again. There was no point in life, living just nothing.

One morning I just thought what if I could just change one thing, so I did. You know what that thing was? I went out, I was so down I could only face life Monday to Friday at work. It was a Saturday I'd spent nearly a year every weekend indoors. Look to be honest I didn't go far, I only went to the top of the road, I didn't feel any different, so then I went back indoors. But the next morning I did it again, this time I took a cup of tea with me yep I must have looked like a loony tune but I was past caring what people said about me. I sat on the bench had a good cry and drank my tea and went home. I kept going though...they probably had to re-tarmac the road I walked it so many times.

There is to much on our plate sometimes we can't deal with it. I just wanted to check out, and god forgive me I would have done if I didn't have my fur faces to look after.

OP your plate is full, you need to get shot or work on one thing on it, what would that be?

Don't be going back to the ex, if he is like mine was, he will just fuck with your head. See those feet of yours you can stand on them without needing a manipulator kicking them from under you.

You can pm me anytime, I got your back, and a spare mug of tea.

You are not weak you are having an incredibly hard time just now. As previous posters have said try and take care of yourself. Don't go back with your ex

Wow! Love AtrouiousCircumstances post.

I've been in an extremely bad place, just where you are now. You need to find something to hang onto. I'm a few years on and I'm doing great.

You too can come through this. You can and you will. Look everywhere for inspiration. I had a local shop that sold self help books, CD's, crystals and whenever I was at my lowest I'd find something relevant to my situation. Search YouTube. Bless you. I hope you feel better soon. Also, don't go back. You don't need anyone, you are fine on your own. Get a cat! I'm currently snuggled up with mine, he's purring away! 😄

@icepinkeskimo.
What a lovely inspiring post. You have made me a bit teary.
@decisions. I echo what others have said . Don't move back in with the ex. I heard a good saying the other day that uplifted me a little. It said Don't look back. You are not going that way .
Press on one day at a time. One little step at a time. If you have no energy to make changes at the moment then rest in that. Don't try to solve all the issues at once. You have been dealt a tough hand and it is no wonder you feel as you do. I have an adult son with ASD and it is hard at times but you are not to blame and he does need you despite what he shows outwardly so hang in there.

Sending a hug of support x

Thank you to everyone that has posted. You are all very kind. I have read my OP again this morning in the cold light of day and unfortunately I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. However I am going to try to be more positive, even if it's difficult. I think it's just been one thing after another and I have had enough of everything.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

Couple of things...

Have you gone to the doctor for some help? It's a big step ( I remember it well) but it will probably be worth it.

And, do you mind me asking what you do for a job? Any hobbies?

I have been to the doctors before and I was signed off work for a couple of weeks but it isn't my job that's the problem. In fact my job (I am a fee earner at a solicitors) is the one stable thing in my life.

I don't like whinging but things are getting on top of me at the moment and I cannot see any way of improving my situation.

I feel like I am hanging on by my fingertips at the moment.

PS Thanks to MN for the email. It is appreciated.

It seems overwhelming OP but you really need to break this down.

1. Don't move back in. You obviously don't want to and you will feel trapped.
2. Hair - plenty of women lose their hair - they wear headscarves, buy wigs. It seems like the end of the world but it really isn't. (And yes, I have alopecia).
3. Your teeth. Gum disease doesn't necessarily mean tooth loss. You can treat gum disease. Try a different dentist and get some good advice. You don't have to have another 30 years of this. You can change a lot of what you don't like. Who knows? In the future you could have a good relationship with your son, a better job that means you can get implants...don't give up!

Wow, that's a pretty impressive job! I'd have loved to have done legal stuff but dont have the brain for it.

Whilst you are focusing on what is wrong in your life, and it's understandable that you are as there are many aspects you are unhappy with, can I invite you to think about that job? You've obviously worked very hard for it, you're clearly very intelligent and very switched on. Reliable, efficient, professional...

Focus on it right now and really think about the challenges you've faced in reaching that position. You're obviously resilient, hard working, dedicated and determined. Whilst you feel totally at a loss with the other things, here you have evidence that you have strength in abundance. You have qualities that are worth carrying on with and investing in. Start looking at this point of strength and channelling it.

You have a mountain of unhappiness in front of you, it seems. The best way is to tackle it bit by bit. Small steps. Don't look at the whole picture. Pick one thing to tackle first. Time off is not what you need (though a break is welcome to give you a rest at times).
Have you asked for counselling at all?

@decisionsindecisions Hello OP. Two weeks ago, I went out with the intention of jumping off a bridge onto the motorway. I see all the things I would have missed, how much people would have missed me. And I know this as my wonderful dh took an overdose around ten years ago. So I know exactly how awful it is.

But when you are in a certain place you can't see past it. You have to keep going, really. It gets easier but you need support. Mental health is an illness, you need the proper support. And I know its hard to get but it is there. Another gp at your surgery might be a good place to start.

Just to let you know I also have a 15 year old that is currently being assessed for ASD. I too have felt guilt for not getting him diagnosed sooner but it isn't something that we should blame ourselves for. Ds doesn't have some of the issues that your Ds is experiencing but it is hard.

Hope things get better for you soon.

You sound so overwhelmed, I'm not surprised it's hard to see the positives and you've had some very tough things to cope with. Humans are tough buggers and you must be very tough to have come through all that. You may need time to heal and come to terms with the way things are right now, as opposed to magically leaping up with optimism.

My advice would be just concentrate on looking after yourself. Eat well, exercise, get the sun on your face and just take time to heal. Moving back in has perhaps triggered your feelings of anxiety so perhaps that's a sign to stay where you are?

Defo seek out a sympathetic GP and see if they can address the teeth and hair issues again, you sound run down, perhaps a blood test might be a good idea? You can figure out what to do with the rest of your life when you're more emotionally resilient. It's like you've been in a car crash and it seems impossible to imagine walking again. You need to rest and heal first. Your son will be around for a long time and even if the relationship has been crap it may well change in the future, especially if he's going to get assessed for ASD. Trust me you're not the only one who doesn't spot it in their child until someone else does because we get used to them just being them (and assessments aren't easy to get anyway). You'll always be his mum, kids with ASD don't show things the same way always but doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

I agree your job sounds kick-ass and definitely something to take pride in! I hope you feel better soon x