I can’t see any point in carrying on

[decisionsindecisions]

I don’t know if I’ll come back to this thread but I need to get this down somewhere and I don’t have anyone I can speak to about this. My life is pointless and I can’t see anything that is positive in it.

1. I left my husband last September. He’s not a good man. He lies and he can’t be faithful. I know he’s bad for me but he wants me to move back in with him. I’ve agreed to this but I feel sick about it.
2. My son has been permanently excluded from school. I had a conversation with a key worker who specialises in autism who says my son has been massively let down by the school. He’s 15 and now lives permanently with his dad because I could no longer cope with his behaviour. He’s only recently been diagnosed with autism and I feel so guilty that I didn’t see it earlier. So that’s my marriage and my son that I’ve fucked up.
3. My hair is falling out. This is a permanent situation and it won’t grow back (scarring alopecia). It makes me feel shit.
4. Unfortunately I also have gum disease which is not only genetic but also exacerbated by my immune system. So I’m losing my hair and my teeth.
5. I have £300 to live on after my bills are paid. This means no new clothes, no holidays etc for the rest of my life. I’m 45.
6. My dad died when I was 13 and my mother is horrible. I haven’t spoken to her for five years. So I have lost my husband, my son and my mother. I don’t have anyone who loves me.
7. I’m renting a flat. I like living in a flat and thought I might be able auto afford to buy one. All of the flats in my area have onerous ground rent provisions so I would be stupid to buy one.

I know this is all very negative but I feel trapped by circumstances and I would sincerely like to not wake up tomorrow morning. I can’t besr another 30 or 40 years of this.

You're all so kind and lovely. I do have some good friends but I find it really, really difficult to say how I feel/am feeling. I have always been the "strong" one and I worry that if I don't keep up that facade I will end up having a breakdown of some sort.

1. My husband. This was my second marriage. I loved him so much and I find it really hard to trust anyone anyway, because of my horrendous mother and violent first husband, so when I found out that he's on loads of dating sites/escort sites and lies about the most mundane of things, I was devastated. I still am devastated.

1. My son. Things have been so bad with him for the last four years. Endless amounts of calls from school about his behaviour. No support from CAMHS or his GP. It's only now he's been excluded that suddenly a lot of help is becoming available for him. I have let him down because I am his mum and I was supposed to see what was wrong.

1. My hair. I can cover the problem at the moment but it is going to get worse and I can't bear it. I don't suppose the stress is helping either.

1. See above.

1. Money - I am not a high maintenance person but I have to think about every penny I spend. I need a two bedroom place as my son stays over sometimes and I don't want to drop down to a one bedroom flat because I don't want him to think that I am pushing him out, on top of everything else he's having to deal with.

1. My mother. I will never speak to her again. Ever. She's not a nice person and I just cannot deal with her shit any more.

I do like my job. I like the people I work with and the type of work that I do. It gives me structure and a bit of security, which I think I lack in other areas of my life.

roundbottomflask You're right, I know you are. Sometimes it's easier to pretend all is well. I don't want to burden anyone with all of my shite. And unfortunately there are no easy answers to problems. The problem is me, and my inability to make reasoned and rational decisions. I react out of panic, out of a need to be safe and loved but I make the wrong choices because I choose people who don't really have my best interests at heart. So I act first and think later. I don't want to do that this time.

I think this can change op.

So - your hair. You can't control the hair loss and from what you say you will never have a full head of hair again. So can you embrace it- crop it, change your make up, pierce your helix, start wearing a scarf - anything to own it?

You are living alone - can you take on overtime? Start saving it as you have no child care?

Your son. My 16 year old has ASD and is a bloody nightmare at times. However you can redefine the terms of your relationship with him. Start setting up contact, find something you can do?

Sometimes when you are dealing with a lot of stuff happening at once, you become overhelmed and sort of paralysed and can't think of what to tackle first. I know how it feels and rhe following really helps me, maybe it can help you too:

Make a list. Address each thing one by one.

• Forget your mother, accept that things will never change with her and make peace with that

• Tell your ex you won't be moving back in with him

• Follow up on support for your son and join support groups for parents of children with autism

• Open up to your friends a little more

• Buy a flat

• Invest in some nice head wraps or wigs. If the sight of your own hair depresses you, you could consider just shaving it all off.

• Get a second opinion regarding your gum disease.

Just pick whatever feels easiest(ish) to you and do it first. Then do the second thing. Then the third. Get through the list. One thing at a time, OP. You got this.

roundbottomflask Thank you for asking but I don't feel any happier or more positive about the future. I have made an appointment to see my GP but this is in a week's time. One step at a time I suppose!