Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

12yo dd doesn't have a 'talent'

45 replies

RamonaQuimbyAge8 · 21/07/2019 22:11

My dd has just spent an hour sobbing on me because she doesn't have a 'thing' - a special talent or skill that makes her stand out. The truth is she is just a lovely lovely lovely normal bright girl. She is clever and kind and plays a musical instrument and dabbles in lots of things and all of that is of course totally fine and wonderful. But she feels totally inadequate.

She has given up on a dozen hobbies, is not really prepared to work hard at anything and still likes playing with baby dolls. There's other stuff going on with her brother and her lack of sportiness that probably feeds into this. We talked a lot about the skills she has and the fact that it is perfectly valid not to obsess about one thing, but her confidence is at a low ebb just now. I guess this is the introduction to the teenage years. Urgh.

OP posts:
CruCru · 21/07/2019 22:31

Most people don’t have a special talent. From what you’ve written, I wonder whether she knows lots of children who are absolutely brilliant at sport / music / maths etc?

Is she is kind, thoughtful person? Does she try her best at school? It might be worth lavishing her with praise for her efforts (feel free to go overboard) rather than any achievements.

Witchend · 21/07/2019 22:59

Firstly I would make it clear that most people don't have a special talent/skill that make them stand out.

But then I would look to find something that is "hers" to do. It sounds like her brother is very sporty, and maybe that manifests itself into you doing a lot of transport and watching. Why don't you discuss something she'd like to try that is her thing. Either in a group, or at home. Something you can spend time with her telling you about it, or watching, or trying with her.

Suggestions:

Drama
Musical Theatre
Lace Making
Cooking
Glass Painting
An unusual sport
Video making
Writing stories
Sewing clothes for her dolls (I did that until I was older than 12-you can buy a decent sewing machine for not too much-don't buy a kids one, and sewing patterns to make clothes)
"Collecting" dolls-I collected dolls of a certain type until I left home. I had 56 2" dolls at that point.
Woodwork
Checking the car
Sweet making

HopeClearwater · 21/07/2019 23:17

What has she been reading? This belief in everyone having a special talent seemed to be widely accepted in Enid Blyton school stories - see Malory Towers- and in terms of performing arts, by Noel Streatfeild.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Shplot · 21/07/2019 23:20

Surely playing an instrument is a talent?

margaritasbythesea · 21/07/2019 23:26

My Dd feels similar, and still likes playing with dolls and does not like applying herself, so I'm interested in the replies you get. It's frustrating as she is really talented at languages (she's bilingual) but doesn't see it as a 'thing' at all.

Silverhill · 21/07/2019 23:34

DD is not academically gifted, not at all sporty and although she plays a musical instrument she reached the limit of her talent in the middle grades.

When she was your DD's age she applied to the Guides 'international opportunities' programme and represented the county at an international camp; she was the youngest Guide from the UK. She then went on to plan and take part in another expedition abroad (through school). When she turns 16 she wants to start volunteering regulaly for a local charity. All of these are activities which don't require a particular ability but can allow a young person to develop and shine in their own way.

StraffeHendrik · 21/07/2019 23:56

The 'talents' you have as a teen don't define you for life. I worked very hard at music lessons and got to a decent standard but had no talent and it's not in my life now. I suspect in most cases even people who are really good at a sport or music at school age don't stand out in that field as adults.

In contrast I am an oxbridge professor in a subject I didn't study til university.

I also have a hobby which I am really good at, I feel more pride about it than my job and others are very impressed with my creations too. I didn't take it up til my thirties.

Maybe dd has had it drummed into her at school how important it is to have a passion/talent/whatever. It's ok to be omnivorous. And it is definitely not necessary to invent a passion for something or other just for the sake of it.

Ps I do uni admissions and personally am not much swayed by any extra curricular stuff, no matter how impressive.

ContactLight · 22/07/2019 00:18

She's given up on dozens of hobbies, is not really prepared to work hard at anything

Does she realise that other people who appear to have a special talent may not be particularly gifted at all, it is just that have worked extremely hard or have done a huge amount of practice to get where they are?

My friend's dd is a bit like this - she wanted to play the guitar, but gave up in despair after only a handful of lessons because she "couldn't do it". She didn't understand that at first, nobody can do it. The only way that they can learn to be able to do it is to practice over and over again until they begin to master the basics.

Is she a bit of a perfectionist?

1Wildheartsease · 22/07/2019 00:53

I remember hearing an award-winning concert pianist interviewed about his special gift. He explained to the interviewer that he didn't have more talent than most pianists... but he practiced for more hours than they did.

Isn't it supposed to take any of us 10 000 hours of work to make any of us expert in our chosen field?

I'm glad that you she could come to your for comfort. Teens and pre-teens are tough on the self-esteem.

Other thoughts on this:
In the list of talents - There are many different kinds. (Being a good friend - spotting when someone needs help - being able to cheer up those around her - these are all special and important. )

There is also the fact that she is young and inexperienced and so may not have found her special talent yet. Perhaps she is going to be a world class rabbit-judge? What about her skills as a wine-taster? She might be very good at nurturing huge carrots or rare orchids.

Anyway, there is plenty of time. Apparently Winston Churchill was a bit of a failure at everything until he reached his 60s.

Echobelly · 22/07/2019 01:05

Why does she have to have a 'talent'? Can't she just have something she's really into? Or enjoy being into a couple of things even if she's not great at them?

DD (11) is not great at sticking to things and my husband complains a bit that she's trying everything and not sticking at much (she plays an unsual instrument, but TBH not very well or dedicatedly, though she does enjoy lessons and loves her teacher, and she is good at singing) but I think she's still of an age to try things out.

SkiingIsHeaven · 22/07/2019 01:08

Get her a ukulele and show her the you tube tutorials. Lots of modern songs.

Shakennotshook · 22/07/2019 01:19

Oh bless her, poor thing is only 12. Life isnt about talent, its about doing the stuff you enjoy. And being kind and considerate matters far more than anything else.

PenelopeFlintstone · 22/07/2019 01:19

Ukulele is a great idea. My dd has taught herself lots of cool songs from YouTube.
Apart from that, explain to your dd that she's an 'All Rounder' and that that is something that's highly valued in society.

HerRoyalNotness · 22/07/2019 01:34

My kids are very average. They don’t have the drive or determination to be above average. I tell them If they want to do well, it’s practice, practice and more practice. If they want to be average that’s up to them 🤷🏽‍♀️

Original poster
RamonaQuimbyAge8 · 22/07/2019 06:41

I agree with everything written here. Of course she doesn't have to have a talent, I think that, her father thinks that... But yes she knows some people with specifically niche gifts/interests/talents.

I have tried many of these things and have emphasised that her existing talents are valuable and even if she was in a vegatative state she would still have worth and be loved.

I will reiterate that it is about work, not an innate gift (in most cases), and say if she wants to develop something in particular we can do that.

Her brother is obsessive about a few things and prepared to put the hours in. I don't bend over backwards to get him to do things or spend hours watching him. But his shelf of trophies is getting to her.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 22/07/2019 06:53

Right so ask her what she wants to start doing as an extra curricular activity. Be it something new or something she wants to go back to. Strike while the iron's hot.

Fantail · 22/07/2019 06:56

I would start talking about passions rather than talent. You can be passionate about something you are not necessarily talented or the best at, but doing it provides you with a sense of joy.

Sometimes doing something you are passionate about turns into something you are talented at, but sometimes it just provides you with an activity that is fun or releases stress - that is worthwhile too. Perhaps make sure you are praising her effort at sticking with things or trying as much as the outcome. She may not realise that her brother is getting results because he puts in the time, not that he is just “good” at it.

DD is 8. This year she’s had to pick up an extra ballet lesson to do the exam. I would say that she isn’t particularly talented, but the extra lesson has made it easier for her to learn the steps and she now loves it and is a lot more confident. Sometimes you need a bit of encouragement to get over a plateau.

ittakes2 · 22/07/2019 06:59

I have this - 12 year old twins - a boy who excels at sport and a bright girl without a special talent. We are exploring her interests to find something that she is passonate about - so not a special talent as such but something she wants to do. I would ask your daughter to sit down and right a list of her friends - and then idenitfy a) what their special talent is and b) what she likes about them. Hopefully unless she has an amazingly talented group of friends she will realise not many people have a special talent but lots of people have qualities she admires and likes them for.

Oblomov19 · 22/07/2019 07:27

It's a shame she feels this way. It seems quite common these days, for loads of teenagers to be spectacularly good at something. And thus for those that aren't to feel bad.

I was and still am, an all rounder. Can turn my hand to anything, but not particularly good at anything!

But she is a lovely girl and that's enough!

Oblomov19 · 22/07/2019 07:29

Plus, being brilliant at something rarely gets you anywhere. What difference in life does it make? Generally? Most of us aren't the next 'Ronaldo', are we?

EvaHarknessRose · 22/07/2019 08:01

what she is asking is do you think i am good enough, and your replies so far are answering this well.

Make sure both parents start attending to her more, spending more time with her, and doing some joint activities.

And don’t be critical when she gives attitude or gives up activities

MohairMenace · 22/07/2019 08:09

It might do her good to read Matthew Sayed ‘You are awesome’ Flowers

Fibbke · 22/07/2019 08:12

No point crying about it. Just middle through until you find something you enjoy. Then if its inportant to be amazing at it, you need to dedicate yourself to it.

Fibbke · 22/07/2019 08:13

Muddle
Important

Ugh i hate my new phone

Geraniumpink · 22/07/2019 08:13

It’s a lovely age to be experimenting with new interests. My teen dd has had loads and only drama has ‘stuck’ as it were. I’m more impressed by her ability to embrace something new than I am by her sticking with something for the sake of it.
Duke of Edinburgh’s when your dd is older will give her a nice scope.

Swipe left for the next trending thread