12yo dd doesn't have a 'talent'

[RamonaQuimbyAge8]

My dd has just spent an hour sobbing on me because she doesn't have a 'thing' - a special talent or skill that makes her stand out. The truth is she is just a lovely lovely lovely normal bright girl. She is clever and kind and plays a musical instrument and dabbles in lots of things and all of that is of course totally fine and wonderful. But she feels totally inadequate.

She has given up on a dozen hobbies, is not really prepared to work hard at anything and still likes playing with baby dolls. There's other stuff going on with her brother and her lack of sportiness that probably feeds into this. We talked a lot about the skills she has and the fact that it is perfectly valid not to obsess about one thing, but her confidence is at a low ebb just now. I guess this is the introduction to the teenage years. Urgh.

I dont think she can see that underneath other people's (and her brother's) talents and successes is a hell of a lot of hard work and effort.

She needs to try lots of things but also be aware that she's not going to be brilliant straight away. If she wants to get good she needs to work for it.

Love this thread& @Silverhill post..My DDsimilar age same deal.I reiterate to her how many'special talent kids' were in my gymnastics club&school..things that by late teens were forgotten/replaced with other interests-boys&booze/partying..&in my case i had no singular 'talent' just a knack for resourcefulness/determination&sense of adventure&seeing the world which saw me work/live in many countries doing a huge variety of jobs/volunteer work that i loved,before emigrating to Oz..most of my former school mates envy how we live now(many trapped in jobs they hate,living in unhappy marriages,pressure cooker secondary school/uni entry).My DD is quiet,kind&thoughtful&massively into environmental issues/natural history,reading&sudoko.Her interests are lego(technics),meccano,making clothes for her dolls&has no desire to compete/push hard at anything,which is just fine by me!.Its fascinating to watch your kids bloom into virtual opposites of yourself.I hated most what she loves but we couldnt get along better or be closer.Work on her self esteem&the beauty of difference-that everyone/thing has their own uniqueness..there is too much emphasis/pressure on kids&teens..Good luck

Agree with Bon.
Not being 'amazing' at something, never held me back. I've travelled all over, jumped in a tent with a boy I'd just met at a festival (not that I'm recommending THAT, as such), but it's not stopped me!!

I think that perhaps part of the problem these days is that extra-curricular activities are so competitive, and some have loads of competitions where a huge number of awards are given out. A friend's dd was into freestyle dance - there were competitions galore all over the country and their entire house was groaning with silverware. She was no more talented at that than my dc was at another activity, which didn't have anything like the same emphasis on prizes and awards. Another schoolfriend was into swimming and has been really successful at that - again, loads of competitions. It made my dc feel totally inadequate and demoralised sometimes.

Perhaps she needs to be reminded of that old adage:

10% inspiration, 90% perspiration!

Why do children have to be amazing at all these extra curricular activities. Don't we encourage doing things for enjoyment anymore? My DD does quite a few activities including a niche sport, she really enjoys it but I can't see her doing it competitively as she's not the type. The children that are really good have more lessons (more money!) and practise more which she understands.

I think there is immense pressure to be "outstanding" at something, reinforced by talent show telly etc. And parents are actually a big part of the problem, reinforcing their child's specialness and being vocal and pushy about what are basically hobbies. Well that is a bit what it is like round here in bits of the leafy suburbs and lots of people have more than a touch of affluenza.

Having "a thing" is good but most of the other kids don't have "talents" either, not really.

I took her out for breakfast and we have a plan. Various things that were on her mind she is happier about and she is going to focus on writing as her 'thing' for now which is absolutely perfect. She's going to enter some poetry comps and get a writing magazine, etc. She feels better now she has a focus.

What about volunteering somewhere/helping. Obviously limited for that age/need your supervisiot perhaps.

Maybe helping out with the brownies?

Something to make her feel important and useful.

I also got t her to list her friends, say what she loves/likes/values about them, and then list their 'thing'. Many didn't have a thing. For some of them, they were just known for liking avocados or something. Others had a passion that they devoted lots of time to, and dd said 'but I just get bored of things after a while' and I said 'of course you do, this is a time for trying stuff'. I think something clicked.

Scouts/guides/cadets are all great for trying stuff, lots of badges for different skills and hobbies, duke of Edinburgh award in a year or so.

She does Guides and volunteers at church already. She plays an instrument and excels academically. This is definitely a problem of her self perception rather than very much else!

Well she sounds fine then.

Don't make lists about other children and what they are known for. Doesn't that rather underline the point that they should be known for something, rather than just being people in their own right?

I've already done that, too late! And it did work, because not everyone had a 'thing' and she knew that was okay. And some of the 'things' were not skills or talents at all. Anyway, it is fine.

I'm sure every single child on that list has a 'thing'. If she means being the best at something then I'd nip that in the bud.

You clearly haven't read my previous posts closely.

I'm signing off now, thanks everyone for great advice!

Ok
Making lists is weird
Hth

Sounds like you've handled that really well.

A piece of really simple advice for writing that I was given in a creative writing course at uni is to carry a notebook around and note down anything you notice. Not like a diary but just odd things you notice, I remember writing about a toddler I saw trying to catch a rolling coin in a market, or silly things my friends said. Basically the more you write the easier it is to write and the notebook makes you more observant and more likely to notice things (and remember them) that you might later use in writing. I am not a writer, but I have written a few things I was really proud of back when I was doing that sort of thing.

That's great, pleased to hear it. And now take a giant step back and let her get on with it

No buying her pads and pens, or diaries, no investing in a thesaurus, no asking to read what she's written, let her be entirely free to express herself the way she wants to. If she's anything like the average girl, she will already have thousands of notebooks and pens anyway.

Get her a copy of You Are Awesome by Matthew Syed - all about the sheer hard work and application which goes into success in any field, and with plenty of encouragement to do this. Aimed at junior school children upwards.