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Original poster

Just realised I have no one to turn to

40 replies

Kateshairenvy · 21/07/2019 16:06

Just had a horrible row with DH and need a handhold but realised I have no one to turn to. 2 DC but it's obv not their responsibility. LC with DM and she'd just use it against me later. No other close family. I've realised that despite lots of acquaintances, I probably don't have a real friend to confide in and I suddenly feel very alone. Not sure what I am expecting to get out of this, just venting, I guess.

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 21/07/2019 16:20

I just made a coffee. I’m listening.
What was the row about?

fortheloveofPete · 21/07/2019 16:33

That realisation is hard hitting but it really is the best way to be.

As much as you don't want to hear this, the sooner that you realise...
That when the shit really hits the fan, you only ever have yourself to rely on.

People may seem like friends, but won't be. Others will only be there for the gossip, and a very few will be there, but only for a short while. Most people will do what they think is right, but it will ultimately be for their own benefit...even down to feeling better about themselves/or worse, to look good for other people, because they think they've helped someone else

The only constant will be you and you alone. It's depressing on one hand, but liberating in another..it's how you chose to look at it.

Original poster
Kateshairenvy · 21/07/2019 16:35

Thank you x
Just about him not doing his share round the house. I'm on long term sick (physical condition if that matters) and seem to be doing 99%.

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Original poster
Kateshairenvy · 21/07/2019 16:37

I guess there is a positive way to look at it but I'm not quite in the right place for that just yet.

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 21/07/2019 16:38

What’s his excuse then?

When I moved in with my DP, I had 24 years of experience of being exH’s domestic appliance. So at the first sign that DP wasn’t pulling his weight, we got a cleaner. Can you do the same?

Original poster
Kateshairenvy · 21/07/2019 16:45

He says I just need to ask him and he'll help, which annoys me as it shouldn't be my job to ask help with... He does overtime and said I should be too, but then said it was just to get a reaction which isn't nice really. I'm feeling down about being ill and it has just brought me down a bit more.
Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kateshairenvy · 21/07/2019 16:47

I've considered a cleaner but we can't quite stretch to it Sad

OP posts:
fortheloveofPete · 21/07/2019 16:50

Then ask him/ tell him. Be specific in what you need doing.

If it continues, then have a sit down, tell him how you feel, then suggest either a cleaner, help, or he needs to pull his weight or you'll leave.

There's only so much you can cope with and there's only so much he can mind read.

SeaSidePebbles · 21/07/2019 16:50

Kate, be kind to yourself. Make a cup of something and think of yourself as a dear friend. You can’t help being ill, but having rows isn’t helping.

I haye it when they say: tell me what and I’ll do it. Why can’t they see for themselves? It’s not THAT hard.

fortheloveofPete · 21/07/2019 16:51

You both sound stressed and fed up.

It's not easy for either of you, with you being ill, hell ferleven more useless than he already does. . So keep telling him what you need.

GorkyMcPorky · 21/07/2019 16:55

Me too. My DM died three years ago and I have no really close friends. I don't think I'm particularly horrible; I've just been unlucky in the situations you'd usually expect to make friends in. It's lonely sometimes.

Original poster
Kateshairenvy · 21/07/2019 16:56

Yup that pretty much sums it up.
It's a bit of a shit situation all round.
We do need to sit down and talk, I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kateshairenvy · 21/07/2019 16:57

Gorky Thanks

OP posts:
fortheloveofPete · 21/07/2019 16:58

Have that talk by all means, but do it another day. Like a previous poster suggested, do something nice for yourself, have a cuppa and tackle this issue either later today, or later in the week.

It's a low moment, and it's shit but you'll both be fine.

AllSweetnessAndLight · 21/07/2019 17:00

Make a rota for him. He can tick off the chores when he has done them. How old are the dc? Give them age appropriate chores too.

sackrifice · 21/07/2019 17:07

It's not 'help', it is being a grown up and living in a house with other grown ups.

ContactLight · 21/07/2019 17:07

He needs to be told that all that domestic stuff is not your sole responsibility just because you are a woman, you shouldn't have to 'ask for help' - it should be shared, and that being in possession of a penis is not a get-out clause.

Lazydaisies · 21/07/2019 17:15

Fortheloveofpete has it absolutely correct. The sooner a person learns they can absolutely depend on themselves in situations like these the absolutely better.

You need to determine what you can put up with in terms of your husbands behaviour, we all have flaws so we all have to allow for that, but also you need to determine what you simply cannot put up with without completely compromising yourself and your personal well-being. That is different for everyone and it honestly can never come from other people. So even though processing outwardly when the shit hits the fan can be useful it is not compulsory by any means.

Original poster
Kateshairenvy · 21/07/2019 17:15

We might get to the stage of a tick list. The kids could also help. I hate that I have to do all the thinking about it but tbh this isn't something I'd want to walk away from marriage for.
Once he's off to work and the kids are in bed, I'll have a nice bath and hopefully it will all seem less bleak.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kateshairenvy · 21/07/2019 17:16

I am working on myself and my resilience, and do understand it's a priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kateshairenvy · 21/07/2019 17:17

Any suggestions of age-appropriate chores for 4yo, 12yo and 47yo? Smile

OP posts:
fortheloveofPete · 21/07/2019 17:24

It's only looking bleak because of your emotional state at the moment.

This really isn't a big deal AT THE MOMENT.

Tell him a list of things to do, give the kids a tick list.

And no, you shouldn't have to be the one to think about it all the time, but you're making in roads for this not to be the case anymore.

PixieLumos · 21/07/2019 17:28

I've realised that despite lots of acquaintances, I probably don't have a real friend to confide in

Is this just because you don’t see/ speak to them often? If someone who I was just ‘acquaintances’ with e.g friends on Facebook, and saw them every now and then at toddler group but didn’t speak regularly, told me what you said I would be happy to listen and help. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

fortheloveofPete · 21/07/2019 17:29

At 4

Make their bed, tidy room, clothes away.
Choose a meal to have in the week

12, as above plus hoovering, putting on a wash, choose 2 meals

47, everything you do. Split it in half, and he can suggest 2 meals for the week.

This way, everyone pitches in, learns how to look after themselves and a house, and you'll have a meal plan for the week

Buy ingredients you dont have for those meals, and you'll have a cheaper shopping bill too that may pay for a cleaner once a week to do the bathroom or ironing.

fortheloveofPete · 21/07/2019 17:31

Ok, that may be a bit flippant, it's not meant to be.

It could work...maybe

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