My spoilt stepson..

[Lily019]

A bit of background. I have three young adult children, divorced when they were all young so effectively raised them alone. Now with a new partner of 4 years. Partner's son came to live full time with Daddy and myself, due to issues with his Mother's MH issues. You could say I have been this child's Mummy since age 4.
After numerous issues with behaviour spanning nearly 4 years, we have recently had a diagnosis of ADHD.
I have a son who is also a sufferer and I had to practise consistent, disciplined parenting. My 'stepson' has always been very clever at getting what he wants regardless of his behaviour and Daddy is a big softy. I, on the other hand, believe in consequences follow actions and do not reward obnoxious behaviour. My partner and I love each other and have talked long and hard about how to raise his child and we generally agree. I support him in all things related to his child. He does not however appear to support my decisions in front of his son. Every day there is at least one incident where the child deliberately misbehaves, usually concerning food or doing things without asking an adult first.
I am now admittedly beginning to grow tired of being the one who takes action with regards to bad behaviour, usually huffiness and drama if he doesnt get his own way (at school, playing with friends, doesnt want what we've prepared for tea etc, it's a very long list).
A classic example this morning. The child asked his Dad for a chocolate treat at ten oclock this morning, he had refused the offer of breakfast an hour earlier. Rather than let him munch on chocolate, I volunteered to make him breakfast,offering him a list of options,including a cooked breakfast but definitely not chocolate. He opted for buttered toast. As soon as I gave him the toast, he started some amateur theatricals, thumping the toast,huffing and puffing, complaining the butter wasn't melted enough, and deliberately sliding off his chair. This all happened in front of both of us. I lost my patience, removed the toast and told him he did not need to eat it and to leave the table. Dad stood watching, said nothing to support me but agreed later that his child was out of order. Two hours later I discovered Dad had cooked lunch for his son, fair enough, followed by a plate of treats(sweeties). I am feeling very undermined and this albeit small scenario is pretty much a daily occurence and I am aware now that I have become 'The Bad Cop'. The child even whispers to his Dad when he wants something as he knows I'll block it if he has been badly behaved. I understand and try to practise positive reinforcement at every opportunity but frankly I do not see that bad behaviour should be rewarded in any way. How can I get through to my partner that agreeing with me 'in theory 'regarding how to handle this child's spoilt and entitled behaviour is completely pointless if Dad then undermines me by giving the child treats when Im not looking. I do A LOT for this child and I genuinely want him to have a happy, trouble free childhood especially as he has little or no contact with his birth Mother. I should also say that I do not interfere in quality time between Father and Son, and give them space to enjoy things together. Any Stepmums out there with similar issues??

classic example this morning. The child asked his Dad for a chocolate treat at ten oclock this morning, he had refused the offer of breakfast an hour earlier. Rather than let him munch on chocolate, I volunteered to make him breakfast,offering him a list of options,including a cooked breakfast but definitely not chocolate. He opted for buttered toast. As soon as I gave him the toast, he started some amateur theatricals, thumping the toast,huffing and puffing, complaining the butter wasn't melted enough, and deliberately sliding off his chair. This all happened in front of both of us. I lost my patience, removed the toast and told him he did not need to eat it and to leave the table. Dad stood watching, said nothing to support me but agreed later that his child was out of order. Two hours later I discovered Dad had cooked lunch for his son, fair enough, followed by a plate of treats(sweeties).

I don’t think your rigid, dictator style of parenting is working for this boy.

Maybe try a different approach which is less authoritarian and more nurturing.

Poor child. Is there other family that like him that he could go and live with?

Just leave him to parent his own dc...

Did he eat the lunch? How long was the punishment for not eating the toast supposed to last?

I agree you both need to support each other, but it seems you’re not on the same page yet. You’re too strict & he’s too soft!

Wow, charming responses! I think the OP is correct, the dad needs to support not undermine her. The youngster is being spoilt and his dad is forcing her into the bad cop role by going behind her back. It isn’t fair on the OP.

I think-hope-that her impersonal style of posting is her trying to remain anonymous, could be wrong, obviously.

You sound hard work. Poor lad.

Normally I'm a fan of rules but you need to pick your battles with any child. His early life and possibly genetic factors from his mum mean he needs parenting in a different way. I strongly recommend you get professional help. In younger years kids with mental health issues often get labelled with adhd or asd because psychiatrists are either unfamiliar with more unusual conditions or simply go for the common conditions because they are more likely statistically. Even if adhd is the correct diagnosis, it's a case of different people needing different approaches.

I wish you all the best, it isn't easy

I think you were right to remove the toast, and your DP would certainly have been wrong to give him sweets then, but 2 hours later doesn't seem too bad to me? Was it that you felt he shouldn't have sweets at all at lunchtime, or was he still being punished for the morning incident?

Tad harsh Soola, but fair enough. My partner does not usually allow treats as his little boy was badly neglected by his mother at a young age, including being very malnourished. The child had 5 teeth removed by the time he was 4 and half of those remaining are rotten. My partner will not allow flavoured drinks of any kind and sweet treats are few and far between. His decision, not mine. I understand where you may think I am being hard on the child but I was trying to be supportive of his Dad's own wishes ie offering the lad a proper breakfast rather than lazy snacking on rubbish. I don't do anything that hasnt been discussed and agreed first. And,my partner agrees I should take action if I see fit. I am also very kind to this little boy and have shown him a lot of love. My point was that I'm not enjoying being the 'Bad Cop ' as that is how I appear as Daddy generally says nothing. I have brought this up with him before, but he says that if I am doing what we have agreed previously he has no issue with my parenting style and therefore does not feel the need to step in. Great, but then why undermine me later?

I don't think that your ?7/8year old dss will make the link between not wanting toast at 10am and getting sweets at 12pm. Can you agree together some fun things that you can do with dss so you are not just bad cop? Would some parenting classes for dh help? He particularly needs strong boundaries but maybe you are not the one to enforce them?

The child was neglected to the point of malnourishment and you're picking your battles over food? I think that's really not the hill to die on.

No idea what's wrong with having treats after lunch just because he didn't eat his breakfast? You can't drag the mornings issues on into the next meal like that, especially with what he's experienced.

I think the lunch thing is seperate, assuming he ate a decent lunch and then got the sweets. Did he know he would get sweets later. I would be tempted to pass the parenting to your partner when he is there so he sorts breakfast/snacks or would he give in and provide the chocolate?

Kid and partner sound hard work. Poor you
I sympathise I found the only way to be is slightly less interested. If his dad wants to muck things up and spoil him, let him reap what he sows.
I've had to disengage a bit from caring so much myself.
Ignore the anti step mums on here, they live to say irrelevant nasty things. You can't say a word about bio mum either.

hehehe bio mum sets them off too

Can I just say that the ' not wanting' the toast really is not the issue. His rude behaviour was what prompted the end of breakfast. I, rightly or wrongly, felt undermined when Daddy gave him treats later on after his poor behaviour was the point of my original post . I'm obviously doing something wrong here, otherwise I wouldnt be asking others to comment, however as a supportive partner and 'step parent' I genuinely want to get this right. I do not want to mess up this relationship and I do want to impact positively on my stepson's life. He's had an awful start and he does deserve lots of love, but surely showing the boundaries IS love? I should point out that he behaves like this at school too, do the Teachers reward this sort of behaviour?? Im guessing not.

But the point is that having a proper lunch and a few sweets 2 hours later isn't rewarding the behaviour. It's just getting on with the day.

Well the more information provided the better.

I understand you a bit better now.

You obviously care for the boy a lot.

I think you need to tell your husband that he needs to step up more and that you are stepping back because the lad is seeing you as the ‘enemy’ and that’s causing pressure and stress on you and the child and is unfair.

Having structure around meals is good but given that the lad has had severe problems with lack of food then it’s an issue that you are all going to have to be very careful about.

The boy will learn to manipulate using food as a tool/weapon.

You and your husband want him to eat and be nourished and will find yourself in stand offs with him over food and meal times.

I think professional advice is needed.

I’m sorry if I came across harsh in my previous post, I can see that you are trying to do your best to help the boy.

I lost any sympathy for you when you described your own adhd son a sufferer.

I think you realise, along with ASD, there is no one type fits all parenting style for a child with Sen.

Yes he needs boundaries but often he will not be deliberately choosing to behave in a certain way, it's a direct result of his adhd.

I let behaviours like you've described go in our house, I pick my battles wisely. Consistently over parenting him with your bad cop routine isn't going to help the poor lad.

To me you were right removing the toast. But you seem to want 'punishments' to linger. I'd have called that done and started afresh at the new meal time, presume he ate?
And if dad says he can have a treat I guess that's his call.
Could you buy the only treats once a week so when they're gone they're gone?
And bat the bad behaviour to dad, x is being silly with his food and being silly on his chair, what do you think we should do?? (Pointed look at dh)

Yes, he needs clear consequences and boundaries which you and dh agree. What doesn't seem clear to anyone involved is what these boundaries are.

He wants chocolate which he doesn't get, then he pisses around with his toast so breakfast is finished. All completely fair enough.

Then he eats lunch reasonably and gets a sweet treat. What boundary is this breaking? Do you feel he should never have sweets? (Ok, agree this with dh.) Or when can he have them? Once a week? Only if he's eaten every meal sensibly that day? Is it really a good idea to be using sweets as a reward or punishment for a child with his history? Do you feel he should be punished for not eating his breakfast at subsequent meals? Subsequent days? How long should this punishment last? How can he ever make amends for the uneaten toast? Is there a different rule about sweets for the other dcs?

So many things you need to think through between you and your dh before feeling he is undermining you.

Actually, I do in fact leave Dad to do most of the decision making, including preparing my stepson's food most days, I do not however undermine my partner EVER. His decision is his and I do not interfere, even if I disagree.
If I take an interest and properly care, I then have to navigate this whole 'feeling undermined' thing when the lad gets his own way despite poor behaviour . If I stand back, be less involved, then effectively what is the point of us living together and me ignoring anything to do with parenting my stepson? Another important thing is that when my stepson is with me alone, we get on great, we have a laugh, we talk about lots of things, I take him to and from his summer activities and he engages really well with me and all my family. It's only when Daddy is about that I see this manipulative and tantrummy behaviour.

What about asking your DH to take a more active role when you are around? Because atm it sounds like he is very passive and you are always the one doing the discipline.. I would tell him his son needs to see him doing that too (and you can spend more time being the ‘good cop’).

When your stepson was diagnosed, were you given any advice on what to do?
Eg with the sweets, is it ok two hours later?

I’ve always been a partisan to deal with things right when they happen and then move on. So. I would have no issue with sweets AS LONG AS been given treats isn’t done as a reward.

I agree the behaviour at breakfast was poor. But I don't get when punishment for that behaviour was to end...clearly you felt he should still be punished at lunch...so a whole day? More than a day?

I get the whole step parenting minefield. It's why I would never get involved with anyone with small children. Been there done that and the potential for conflict is so great.

Obviously this kid pushes your buttons. That kind of toddler behaviour would irritate me too. But I know with my own DC that we usually started every meal afresh. So you muck about at breakfast or refuse food you wait til lunch. But if at lunch you eat well and it's a day when we might have treats then yes you get one. I wouldn't withhold a treat because of earlier poor behaviour. The consequence of that was not getting any breakfast and that had already been served.

I feel your pain. We don’t have SEN issues, but similar situation, just a few years on.

I’m a step mum with my DSD14 now living with us after a very tricky situation with her mum. DH is absolutely bloody useless with any form of discipline as he is devastated about her history, however with a forceful, hormonal teenager, there’s occasions where we have to put our foot down for her own safety/our peace of mind/neighbours getting a good nights sleep. It’s always me though, he just can’t do it. He tries but will try and explain hows/wheres/whys, making it so bloody complicated the poor kid just tied in knots and more frustrated. Ends up with neither of them knowing where the conversation is going and I get drafted in.

I try to always bear in mind that she’s battling to process the issues that she’s had to face, and wouldn’t implement punishment If it were obvious that iffy behaviour was a repercussion of that situation (it’s fair clear when it is!) but ultimately, there are plenty of occasions when she’s just being a perfectly normal stroppy 14 year old git, and pushing the normal boundaries. I believe it’s only fair to parent her then as I would my own child, with a ‘normal’ background. The only way we can try and get her back on track is to normalise life as much as we can and look to the future, not the past.

So it sounds like DH needs to actively support you more? As in he should have said ‘We’ve told you it’s toast or nothing for breakfast,’ kind of way? And you do more ‘Daddy and I have said no sweets until after tea.’ So the discipline comes across as joint decisions.

You can’t let a punishment linger. It really harms a child’s emotional well-being and never make a huge deal of food.

You do sound very strict.