A bit of background. I have three young adult children, divorced when they were all young so effectively raised them alone. Now with a new partner of 4 years. Partner's son came to live full time with Daddy and myself, due to issues with his Mother's MH issues. You could say I have been this child's Mummy since age 4.
After numerous issues with behaviour spanning nearly 4 years, we have recently had a diagnosis of ADHD.
I have a son who is also a sufferer and I had to practise consistent, disciplined parenting. My 'stepson' has always been very clever at getting what he wants regardless of his behaviour and Daddy is a big softy. I, on the other hand, believe in consequences follow actions and do not reward obnoxious behaviour. My partner and I love each other and have talked long and hard about how to raise his child and we generally agree. I support him in all things related to his child. He does not however appear to support my decisions in front of his son. Every day there is at least one incident where the child deliberately misbehaves, usually concerning food or doing things without asking an adult first.
I am now admittedly beginning to grow tired of being the one who takes action with regards to bad behaviour, usually huffiness and drama if he doesnt get his own way (at school, playing with friends, doesnt want what we've prepared for tea etc, it's a very long list).
A classic example this morning. The child asked his Dad for a chocolate treat at ten oclock this morning, he had refused the offer of breakfast an hour earlier. Rather than let him munch on chocolate, I volunteered to make him breakfast,offering him a list of options,including a cooked breakfast but definitely not chocolate. He opted for buttered toast. As soon as I gave him the toast, he started some amateur theatricals, thumping the toast,huffing and puffing, complaining the butter wasn't melted enough, and deliberately sliding off his chair. This all happened in front of both of us. I lost my patience, removed the toast and told him he did not need to eat it and to leave the table. Dad stood watching, said nothing to support me but agreed later that his child was out of order. Two hours later I discovered Dad had cooked lunch for his son, fair enough, followed by a plate of treats(sweeties). I am feeling very undermined and this albeit small scenario is pretty much a daily occurence and I am aware now that I have become 'The Bad Cop'. The child even whispers to his Dad when he wants something as he knows I'll block it if he has been badly behaved. I understand and try to practise positive reinforcement at every opportunity but frankly I do not see that bad behaviour should be rewarded in any way. How can I get through to my partner that agreeing with me 'in theory 'regarding how to handle this child's spoilt and entitled behaviour is completely pointless if Dad then undermines me by giving the child treats when Im not looking. I do A LOT for this child and I genuinely want him to have a happy, trouble free childhood especially as he has little or no contact with his birth Mother. I should also say that I do not interfere in quality time between Father and Son, and give them space to enjoy things together. Any Stepmums out there with similar issues??