Single mums/lone parents - would you stand by your son if he stopped seeing his kids?

[TrainWWYD]

Hypothetically. If he walked away from them and made no effort at contact etc. What would your response be?

I would be disgusted with him.

Of course I would. I wouldn't be able to find out what was going on in his head and help him work out what is the right thing to do for him and the children if I just walked away from him.

I'd be heartbroken to know I raised such a man.

What do you mean by stand by him? Virtually nothing would stop me having contact with my son, but if he voluntarily stopped seeing his children I'd be very concerned about his mental health, tbh. If he was generally a nasty piece of work who couldn't give a damn about his kids, then I'd try to play a much bigger role in the children's life, in his place.

I would feel very sad and be as kind as I could to the mum, if our relationship wasn't so great I would offer support, say please please contact me whenever you need help, I can't be a father to these children, I can't make up for what he's done but I know raising children is gruelling work and please call me if you need help, I'm so sorry!

If he did it because it was 'too difficult' then no I wouldn't stand by him.

You have kids, you help raise/feed/clothe/entertain/etc them.

I'd be utterly heartbroken and ashamed. Particularly so as this is exactly what my ex-h did to my DS. I would also be questioning where the hell I went wrong in bringing him up. I am stunned at the amount of parents who seem to support this behaviour, help their sons avoid child maintenance etc. My DS is only 8 years old but I have long instilled in him the importance of being a decent human being and will continue to do so.

Im thinking about the number of men who do this and how their mothers stand by them.

Personally I would struggle not to wonder where I had gone wrong. My support would be going to the mother of the children and the children. Not to my son. Given they put such little stock in family they shouldn’t be so surprised

I wouldn’t support him in that decision if that’s what you mean.

I guess it’s a case of the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree OP.

I think it's all a bit chicken and egg. What comes first - the kind of man who takes no responsibility for his kids, or the kind of parents who would accept this or even support it in a malicious way.

I know a woman who has a child with a man who works for his parents company. His mother accused her of getting pregnant to trap her son and get her hands on their money. He has never paid a penny because they pretend he earns nada.

So when I say I would stand by my son I mean that as long as wants me around I will love him and be his mum and part of that is guiding him to be a good and moral person. I do not mean I would help to shaft a women and children.

Ex’s mother just says “I won’t get involved I only care about DGD”

But given she’s seen how heartbroken DD is, DD has spoken to her about it, I struggle to understand how she can sit around a table and go on holiday with ex without ripping him a new one. I just couldn’t do it

What you are advocating is a mother abandoning her child - and frankly the majority of women who don't have input from ex-partners tend to withdraw contact from their ex-in-laws, so why on earth would a mother ostracise her self from her own children? Your thinking is irrational. My loyalty and unconditional love a mother will always be to MY child, I may not like or condone their behaviour and I would hope I could act as mediator or talk them round.

The majority of women I know who have managed to keep a decent relationship with Ex-DILs are those who keep their own counsel, don't pass judgement, don't tittle tattle or take sides.

But it plainly stupid to expect a mother to cast aside her child because he/she has fallen out with an ex

My ex sees the kids twice a year. In the 9 years we've been apart I've not once heard from any of his (large, closeknit) family. They're all as bad as him imho - I would move heaven and earth to support either of my children to maintain a relationship with their own kids if they separated from the other parent.

Two wrongs don't make a right

I think it's always wrong for a parent to cut their child off

But that child is actually an adult aren’t they. An adult who has cut a child off. At least as an adult they can rationalise why they’ve been cut off.

I would feel shocked and bereaved that I'd raised a son who would abandon his own children.

Whilst I would still love that son, I would save my "standing by" and actual (both private and public) verbal, physical and financial support for my grandchildren and their mother - now alone in raising said grandchildren.

Interesting.

My ex’s contact with my children has been sporadic (as in 12-18 months without seeing them at times, and not seeing them at all for 2 years and counting now).

His family have not got in touch at all. A letter or birthday card would do. I’m still living in the family home so they know the address.

I don’t know what I’d do if my children treated their own children in the same way. I’d not be impressed!

@TrainWWYD I'm a nrp (woman) who doesn't see or speak to her youngest. Do you judge me the same as a man?

My parents stand by me. They also have no contact with my youngest.

You don't know what she says or thinks in private though. She's treading a fine line between keeping a relationship with her son and with her grandkids. I think she's right to not get involved. I bet she is really upset about it and I bet he knows, but she's trying to keep the peace.

@nrpmum, unless you have a reason you aren’t telling us about then yes I do

I think it depends why they had no contact.

If he was just lazy and selfish like my ex then I would, I hope, be like his parents. They contacted me themselves and have built a wonderful relationship with my girls off their own backs. Over the years their relationship with their son has deteriorated because he doesn’t think they have the right to ‘overrule’ his decision for the girls and they don’t understand him at all.

However, if it was a more complicated situation - I have a friend who has essentially walked away from her very young children because her mental health has made her convinced (even though her ex, her parents and his parents) that they’re better off without her health, self harm and suicidal thoughts around before they are old enough to really remember her - then I’d be supportive, but also work hard to maintain my relationship with my grandchildren.

I’d be very cross with either sex of my children if they failed to parent their children or finance them themselves. Children come with responsibilities, you shouldn’t be able to opt out.

I think it depends entirely on why Dad has cut contact.

My DH has drastically reduced his contact with the children he has with his ex (he still sees them every couple of weeks, but only for a few hours at a time). He felt he had no choice, because his ex was making increasingly outlandish allegations about us both, and his attempts to address that via the legal route just made the situation worse. His kids had picked up on the tensions and were clearly suffering. So he reduced contact because he thought it was in the children's best interests, and because our lives came pretty close to being ruined by the latest set of allegations. Doesn't make him a bad dad or a bad person. His parents support him 100%.

@TrainWWYD this is why I don't tell people I'm an nrp mum irl who doesn't see her daughter.

Long story short. When I had to move a long distance for work my exh put in a PSO whilst DD was in his care. Two days later a court hearing was held that I couldn't attend and as my daughter stated she wanted to stay with him, even though he'd only had her 3 weeks on his own in her life, they granted a child arrangement order in his favour. My solicitor was useless.

The stress of the way he went about things brought on meningitis for me, which made physical contact very difficult and then he phased me out of phone calls and has succeeded in phasing out every other member of my family too.

That might change your opinion, it might not but what I'm trying to say is people react to stress in different ways and sometimes it affects contact with their children.