Single mums/lone parents - would you stand by your son if he stopped seeing his kids?

[TrainWWYD]

Hypothetically. If he walked away from them and made no effort at contact etc. What would your response be?

I know many many families where the father has no contact, (and I know the men as well as I know the wives) and in each situation it is because the men simply cant be bothered. One of the men i know has done it to three wives, two of whom i know very well. He simply chose to put himself first.

And I know of only 2 men who have maintained a good relationship with their kids post divorce.

I wouldn’t cut off my child ever, that doesn’t mean I can’t be disgusted with them, be angry with them, try and talk sense into them etc- but no I’m not cutting off my child

I'm a single mum of a son.

Would I be disgusted with him, try and talk him round, tell him exactly what I think of him? Yes. Would I cut off contact with him? No.

My DS DOES have contact with his father though and his father would be just as angry as I would be.

My granddaughter's father and his family have no contact with DGD. They even attempted to coerce her into signing a NDO. My daughter had major surgery when her child was a few months old and they never called to ask how she or the baby was. If I was in their position I would do all I could to have a relationship with my grandchild and my son would be encouraged to do the same, ignoring a child is unthinkable imo.

Personally I would struggle not to wonder where I had gone wrong. My support would be going to the mother of the children and the children. Not to my son. Given they put such little stock in family they shouldn’t be so surprised

You only have to read on her how many women hate their mil sometimes for quite small reasons. Often during family separations the mil is cut off from the dil ( which is totally understandable) so no I would be disappointed with my child, but I certainly wouldn’t stop seeeing my son as I feel it’s more likely I would see the grandchildren through him, then an ex dil

As someone who only has contact with one member of their family (and said family member is excluded from the family like me), I would never abandon my son no matter what he did.

Sometimes the father explains this by saying his ex won't let him see the children. Whilst of course this is true in some situations and, without good reason, this is not on. However it is sometimes used as a clever tactic by the father to alienate his family from the mother whilst taking none of the blame himself.

You don’t have to like or condone your children’s choices to stay in their lives. I can’t imagine a scenario where I would abandon my dd. Even if she did something reprehensible she’s my daughter, I can oppose what I think is wrong but that doesn’t override every other aspect of what being her mother means.

I can see where your mil is coming from. She can’t force her son to be a father but she can be a grandmother without his input so that’s what she can do. You don’t know what conversations have taken place but I doubt their dripping with praise about the situation.

I guess it’s a case of the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree OP

This. Many of these men have been raised in families where raising children is women’s work and men are spoiled princes who don’t have to do anything they don’t want to.

They enable these men to abandon their kids with various myths - she stopped me seeing the kids, she’s a evil abuser, kids are pay per view etc.

And it’s not just mothers you should be asking OP. Anyone, male or female, who is close to someone who has abandoned their children should not be enabling this toxic and child harming behaviour.

It should become much less socially acceptable to walk out on your kids . We need to stop vilifying single mums and start judging fathers who don’t care for and financially support their children.

It IS possible to change social attitudes. People used to laugh at drunk drivers and joke about smoking in front of their kids. When I started driving, no one wore seat belts.

These are now seen as unacceptable but we still enable men who harm their children. It’s appalling.

It's not as simple as he stopped seeing his children.

It's a iceberg. The tip is what he's done. The 90% under the water is why.

Dysfunctional upbringing.

Spoilt , treated like a prince.

His parents controlling or disliking another person coming in his life and taking him.

Limited values or unbalanced values.

Drugs / alcohol

Mental health

Someone is rarely just a nasty person. There is normally history or a reason to cause this behaviour.

Mental health or outside condition such as alcohol. Then the parent would stand by and try to help resolve the situation.

Otherwise it's just part of normal traumatic or chaotic upbringing and normal or justified in their heads.

@Rosemary46

Yes yes yes!!!

Brilliant post

A friend of mine split with her DH. She made it as hard as possible for the kids to see their paternal grandparents despite the ex MIL doing her utmost to keep contact and was a total sweetheart (friends words) as it was just a way of punishing her ex.

I would be utterly disgusted with him and give him a real rollicking. I’d struggle to look at him straight tbh and want to give the Mum and my GC all the support possible.

As the child of a father who did this and a granddaughter of grandparents who supported him (well one day my grandfather made clear he didn't) I'd not stop contact with him because I'd be on his case about it. I don't nag or harass people but this would be an exception.

I had a good relationship with his parents, but knowing they supported him when he caused me so much pain I could never understand. I can only explain it now by imagining they didn't know the pain of growing up knowing your father couldn't give a shit about you. When I discovered my grandfather didn't support him though, it changed how I thought about him.

The rest of my father's family I have no contact with because they still see it as "there are two sides to every story" only that's not the case when one side was a child.

I would be extremely upset as this is what my DC Dad did to them. I would feel i'd failed as a Mother actually. I would try and get to the bottom of what the issue is and do what I could to support my son, but unless there was an explanation for his behaviour (such as MH issues), I would not be at all happy with him. I don't think I'd ever turn my back on either of my sons though. What I would do is do what I could to build a friendship with my DIL and be there for my GDC.

I think it depends on the reason he cut contact. I would have to know the circumstances first.