Ffs why does grief sometimes hit you like a fucking bus?

[ChoudeBruxelles]

It’s nearly 7 years since my mum died and I’ve Ben crying and off all evening because I just miss her.

There's a poem that compares grief to waves, it kinda ebbs and flows after a while and then there's a freak one which knocks the stuffing out of you.

I'm so sorry about your Mum

TheGirlWhoWearsReiss Thank you. It’s ecaxtly like that. My new normal is now just normal without her most of the time. I love spent a lot of time listening to mil talking a lot about ds’s cousin (mil’s granddaughter) and it just made me think how proud my mum would of ds and how it’s sad that she can’t see him grow up

Yes.
I am 3 years on, but sometimes I have moments of complete and utter panic when I realise I will never see my son again.
Most days I muddle through.
But the nightmares are horrific.

There's a meme on Facebook about a grief button in a box with a ball. It makes way more sense in pictures but essentially the ball starts off huge and is constantly pressing the button, over time the ball shrinks so presses the button less often but whenever it does hit the button it hurts just as much. It helps me when I think I should have got over it by now (18 months since my dad died)

Just when you think you've got your head around it, that you're doing ok... WHAM!

I lost my mum almost 4yrs ago. This past week I've had so many instances of "I have to tell/ask mum that..." Then getting hit with the reality.

It really can knock you sideways.

Ah, it can still hurt so much, can't it? Nine years after my DM died, I saw someone in the street with just her build and dress style, it was like a knife.

Know what you mean OP. My DM died young and I coped at the time. A year later, on holiday, it hit me and I sat down and cried my eyes out. All I can say is that you do, eventually, come to terms with it but it takes time.

Sixteen years since I lost my mum. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about her and miss her, and wish she could have known my dc.

Just this evening dd picked up an ancient toy of mine that I’d kept, which cackles in a particularly amusing way when squeezed. I remembered how my mum had found it utterly hilarious, and we’d laughed together till our insides hurt and we couldn’t see for the tears.

It’s a happy memory, and it was nice to tell dd about it. But the familiar old ache of pain; oh how it hurts. for you op.

Sorry OP. I get it. Dad died 11 years ago. Never met my DC and it usually hits me when I see a grandfather at school pick up. My dad would have utterly adored my eldest who would have wound him round her little finger.

I'm sorry OP; I miss my mum too.

I read somewhere that grief is like glitter; you think you've dealt with it all, but there's always going to be a flake left somewhere.💐

I lost my soul mate 3 years ago and I'm ok most of the time. Then suddenly I'll think about him, thinking about kissing his forehead and all the breath leaves my body and I can't think of anything. It's like the world just stops.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I really am.

I TRY to think I’m lucky when it hits... I loved a lot so I miss a lot. It’s true but doesn’t always help. 18 months on I still get sidelined by grief sometimes. I miss his presence in this world. Talk about the person, acknowledge them, cry, smile at wonderful memories. I’m going through it too ... honestly no answers !

17 years since I lost my dad. Feels weird writing it down its so long ago and I was so young really at just 20 to lose a parent. I don't get the tears any more but as I get older I notice more and more of my mannerisms, behaviours and attitudes are like his (all good!) and in that way he lives on, in me and for my children. Starting to look like him too...

Hugs.

I find it's the weird things. It's not the big things Xmas, birthdays etc, you expect them to be hard but it's things like the smell of something, or a time of the day. It's weird.

@ssd that's so true. Everyone braces for the big milestones, don't they. I wonder if it's because you're ready for them, but a fleeting thought or experience catches you off guard.

I can relate so much to previous posters. It will be 10 years this New Year's Eve since my DH died. I am fine 99% of the time but once in a while something small and seemingly insignificant will trigger a wave of grief. Last time was Richard Ayoade's 48 hours in Porto on the TV. It was our favourite city and some of his ashes are there. What triggered the grief was the fact that the city had changed so much in 10 years.

I believe that we never really die until the last person who remembers us is also dead so I am happy, in a way, to have these waves of grief iyswim.

I absolutely hear you, I hate how it hits completely unexpectedly and randomly, too.

Lost my mum 4 years ago, I'd had a great day yesterday and hadn't thought of her consciously. Then I took a bloody lasagne out of the oven, the same one mum used to buy, thought crept in and I felt tears in my eyes. I hate how grief can change my mood in seconds.

It just blindsides you. I lost my mum 13 years ago and my dad last December. Most of the time I miss them but I function, but the tiniest little thing can catch me completely off guard. I was rummaging on a shelf this morning and I found one of my mum's powder compacts that I'd kept - the smell of the powder was the smell of giving her a kiss, and it totally floored me. So unfair that she never met my DS - she'd have absolutely loved him and been the best grandma imaginable. My dad had eleven years with him and they were so close - DS has just come back from his first trip abroad with the school and it kills me that he couldn't go up and tell Tadcu all about it.

@ChoudeBruxelles - it's blooming hard.

Yeah it's the grandkids for me too.. my 5 yr old is so like my dad, and my dad would have adored him. I can just about accept that I don't have a dad anymore but I really fucking miss seeing that grandad/child relationship. Some people don't know how lucky they are.

When my parents talked about dead relatives who I never met I would listen but they meant nothing to me, they were strangers. I'm sad that that's all my dad will be to my kids.

Yes OP and others I empathise so heartily with this.
I heard Nick Cave (who lost his son Arthur a few years ago) describing it like for ever being anchored to the moment in time that they died and attached to that moment by a massive rubber band, you can move so far away from it but you’re always rebounded back to that place and it’s beyond your power when this happens.
My therapist used to say have a day a week set aside to grieve and reflect on your mum (she died while I was pregnant 3 years ago)
I play her favourite songs, look at her art work, write to my auntie or granny (her mum and sister) or my sister and reminisce. It really helps to give time to grief.

It’s a very long time since my parents died. It’s things like I have no one to ask about the past, no one to ask about extended family. I have no brothers and sisters, was the youngest of the cousins and moved away, so no family at all. DH and therefore I too, are estranged from his only sister and one of our sons and grandchild.

My son was less than a year old when my dad died. He had so looked forward to being a grandad and absolutely adored the brief time he spent with him.

I lost my mum less than a year ago. I was playing with DD earlier and she said 'Mummy, I really miss nanny. Can we see her soon?' I explained (in child friendly terms!) and she replied 'Please bring her back mummy.'

I've been in tears ever since. It's an empty agony that nothing can fix.
I completely sympathise with you OP, unfortunately I have no answers.

I’m so sorry.

I burst into tears at work as it was the tenth anniversary of my dad dying. I was writing the date and just burst out sobbing.

Foxyloxy1plus1, I'm in a similar position. It's tough, and lonely.

My mum died 5 months ago. I am generally ok - she was very old and it was sort of expected, although very hard to get through the three months before; but the other night my dc were being really lovely (they're 19 and 13 so this is unusual!) and singing and playing guitar together. I just thought how much she would have loved it and the rest of the evening was awful. I cried and cried and cried.
Waves is the right word. Sometime they are shallow and just float away but sometimes they crash over and leave you completely breathless.