How to gently tell DH...

[CanWeHaveSomeRainPlease]

... that I don’t want his DM or DSis visiting me in hospital following the birth of our third DC.

Small backstory: SIL wronged us earlier this year; broke our trust, was downright rude and didn’t apologise to either one of us, I’ve not heard from her since but she’s still in contact with DH and has been out with him for her birthday (just the two of them on a night out).

MIL hasn’t even congratulated me on this pregnancy (I’ve only got 7 weeks left to go...), hasn’t once asked how I’m doing or how I’m getting on, haven’t seen her in months and she has zero interest in our existing DC’s/us in general.

I know that, despite all of this, MIL will likely want to come to the hospital after DC is born, just like she did with DC1 and DC2 (she was actually the first person to get there both times, pacing the floor in the ward whilst I was in theatre!). However, since everything that has gone on this year regarding SIL, and with MIL not once seeing how I’m getting on or showing any interest in this pregnancy, the thought of either one of them rocking up just as I’ve been wheeled out of theatre (will be an elective section), fills me with dread. I’m not a selfish person at all, and often do all I can to keep the peace and ensure no drama escalates, (I can be a bit of a doormat at times), but with this, I feel like just after I’ve given birth is about the only time I can be selfish and not be judged for it.

I’ve not yet spoken with DH about how I’m feeling regarding his family and the birth of our dc. I do believe he’ll respect my decision but how do I bring this up without sounding rude or horrible? I want to handle this situation as gently as possible and be mindful of the fact that it’s his DM and DSis I’m talking about.
I’ve gone back and forth the last few months about whether I should just bite my tongue and allow them to be there for the sake of DH (and also to prevent possible problems), but then I think I also need to stand up for myself and what I want every once in a while, and being in a vulnerable state post birth/operation, I should be entitled to having only those around me who care about me/I’m comfortable with.

How do I approach this as nicely as I can? And I guess, AIBU for not wanting them there? Should I just suck it up and go along with it? Or am I within my rights to have the final say over who visits me in hospital?!

Just tell him due to the way they've been there's no fucking chance of them being around. Why are you so worried about being 'gentle'? He's your husband just fucking tell him.

If you have that little contact with either of them, how would they even know when your elective was scheduled?

If you have to, publicly give a date that's a week after the actual date. Quietly go and have your baby a week earlier. Announce it when and how you like.

Tell him straight.

Given the current situation regarding your mother and your sister I don’t want them coming up to the hospital after I’ve given birth and need time to rest and recover without the stress of visitors.

Don't tell him gently! It shouldn't exactly come as a surprise to him that you don't want these vile people there when you're at your most vulnerable. Tell him to find a way of telling them they're not welcome at the hospital, and tell the midwives they're not to be let into the ward. Simple.

Just say 'babe, I don't want to sound rude or horrible but...'
He'll understand.

If you're married to the man and are on your 3rd child together it shouldn't be a difficult conversation to have.

Who will be having your other 2 DCs while you're in hospital? If it's not MIL or SIL, just don't tell them when you're in labour.

If you dh was worth his salt he would be able to put himself in your shoes and see that what you're asking for is perfectly OK.

If he doesn't then your issue isn't with your in-laws, it's with him.

I like the idea of them not actually knowing the exact date. Sorts all the problems out!

Why are you so worried about sounding rude or horrid when they are rude and horrid?
Why will they know when your c section is?
Tell him they can get to fuck.

I'd like to try and be sensitive about it, as bottom line, it's his family, it's not his friends or distant relatives. I don't want to be rude about it or make him feel awkward or like I'm trying to cause problems.

Of course I can talk with him about anything, and as I've said, I'm sure he'll respect my decision, it's just how I should approach the subject in the best possible way so that he gets where I'm coming from and I'm not doing it just to be 'rude' back to his family IYSWIM.

They'll know about the elective date as MiL will likely ask DH, who will then tell her. I have no issues regarding them knowing when we're going in, and they're of course ok to know when our dc has arrived, I just don't want them turning up is all.

"This time round, DW has asked if you can wait until she's home, to visit. She's not likely to be in hospital long, so while she is, she'll be knackered, and there's not really going to be time to see everyone whole she's there. I'll let you know as soon as they're both home"

Just tell him, you have a right to recover without them there - you can refuse him access remember as it’s your medical procedure! I’d also tell my husband I’d prefer him not to give out the date...

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck

Your DH should already be well aware and in agreement with you.
They have no interest in your existing children.
Is your DH a bit spineless when it comes to his DM and DS? Allowing DS to be rude and betray you yet still maintain contact and go on a jolly night out?
I'd be straight with him. Tell him they are not welcome in the hospital.

I've been in your position, however I tried to use the birth of our dd as a way to mend a rift I'd had with dhs sister. As per usual though she twisted everything to try make it all about her. It made my Dh see her in a different light. Before then he was blind to her shitty behaviour.

If I were you honestly I'd say nothing and just let them see baby. You'll likely not see much of them after. Just tell your Dh that you would like at least 24 hours recovery before they can come up. None of this pacing up and down bullshit waiting to get in while you're in theatre/Labour.

Its your husbands baby as well, i think life is too short for petty fights, move on and enjoy your new baby .

He definitely buries his head in the sand with problems, particularly with his family. On one hand, I get it, it's not nice having to pull up family members when they've been dickheads, but on the other hand, it leaves me in a tricky situation as nothing gets resolved and I end up full of resentment and feeling awkward around his family who never apologise for their actions.

I'm just struggling with the idea of someone being there to see a baby when she's not cared one iota about the mother or the pregnancy itself.

I'd let them come and greet them with 'OMG I haven't seen or heard from you for months' when they walked in ... but I'm a dick

I wouldn’t let them come. Spineless shite he is!

Don't be gentle. Just tell him. Tell him that you don't want them there. YOU are the person undergoing surgery (I don't like calling birthing mothers 'patients' as childbirth isn't an illness) and you don't want to see them after your surgery.

He needs to put on his big boy pants on and to get them told.

When he has a CS and births a human, he can decide who comes to visit.

Just tell dh this time you don't want visitors. No need spell out his family are twats.

I don't see why you need to pussyfoot around your own husband.

Stop making a mountain out of a mole hill.

"DH, id really prefer it if we had no visitors at the hospital. Just you and me. Let's keep it private this time. I just want to concentrate on us."

I don't like calling birthing mothers 'patients' as childbirth isn't an illness

How fucking pedantic. I've had plenty of surgeries in which I was very well. I was still a patient.

If a person is recovering from major abdominal surgery, mark my words she is a patient that needs looking after on the wards.

What a ridiculous statement. What even was the point of that?

The thing is, it's not about having no visitors at all. My family haven't been arseholes to me, so I'd quite like them to visit me and our new dc. I don't want to take that moment away from my family who have shown an interest in this baby/have cared about me, just because I don't want DH's family there.

He has no problem in making you uncomfortable with their carry on by not calling them out on it, so I'd say to him that the only visitors you want in the hospital are him and your mum/dad/siblings. No one else. You'll be letting the hospital staff know that no one else is to be allowed through to you during your visit. If they really must visit, they can do that once you have been discharged and are at home again and only when you've settled in again. This could be anything up to and past 10 days after the baby is born.

Congratulations and best of luck!

Then be honest with him.

It doesn't need to be made into a huge thing. Just tell him.

If that doesn't work, tell the midwives that they aren't to come onto the ward. I've no doubt this is a regular occurrence for them.

Say you've been feeling quite vulnerable with everything going on lately and while you don't want to be horrible you really just don't want his family there after you've had your stomach ripped open and your insides rearranged.

"H, I don't want to see your Mother & Sister in hospital they are not supportive & I will already be in pain & feeling vulnerable. It is me giving birth its not a circus
So if you don't want to have to fight them about this, you can choose not to give them any news until I'm home. & Just so you know, if they show up I will ask the nursing staff to tell them to leave.