How to gently tell DH...

[CanWeHaveSomeRainPlease]

... that I don’t want his DM or DSis visiting me in hospital following the birth of our third DC.

Small backstory: SIL wronged us earlier this year; broke our trust, was downright rude and didn’t apologise to either one of us, I’ve not heard from her since but she’s still in contact with DH and has been out with him for her birthday (just the two of them on a night out).

MIL hasn’t even congratulated me on this pregnancy (I’ve only got 7 weeks left to go...), hasn’t once asked how I’m doing or how I’m getting on, haven’t seen her in months and she has zero interest in our existing DC’s/us in general.

I know that, despite all of this, MIL will likely want to come to the hospital after DC is born, just like she did with DC1 and DC2 (she was actually the first person to get there both times, pacing the floor in the ward whilst I was in theatre!). However, since everything that has gone on this year regarding SIL, and with MIL not once seeing how I’m getting on or showing any interest in this pregnancy, the thought of either one of them rocking up just as I’ve been wheeled out of theatre (will be an elective section), fills me with dread. I’m not a selfish person at all, and often do all I can to keep the peace and ensure no drama escalates, (I can be a bit of a doormat at times), but with this, I feel like just after I’ve given birth is about the only time I can be selfish and not be judged for it.

I’ve not yet spoken with DH about how I’m feeling regarding his family and the birth of our dc. I do believe he’ll respect my decision but how do I bring this up without sounding rude or horrible? I want to handle this situation as gently as possible and be mindful of the fact that it’s his DM and DSis I’m talking about.
I’ve gone back and forth the last few months about whether I should just bite my tongue and allow them to be there for the sake of DH (and also to prevent possible problems), but then I think I also need to stand up for myself and what I want every once in a while, and being in a vulnerable state post birth/operation, I should be entitled to having only those around me who care about me/I’m comfortable with.

How do I approach this as nicely as I can? And I guess, AIBU for not wanting them there? Should I just suck it up and go along with it? Or am I within my rights to have the final say over who visits me in hospital?!

Dear all. I don’t want to see you just after I’ve had, you know, a human cut out of me. Peace out.

That’s all there is to it.

I’ve had 2 sections. One emergency, one elective. For both I was not allowed out of recovery for several hours due to monitoring of myself and newborn DC’s. For neither would I have entertained the idea of anyone other than my DH seeing me at my most vulnerable.

*apostrophe fail. But you get it.

So his sister and mother get away with treating you all like shite and thats ok with him but here you are still considering his feelings when telling him you don't want the nasty pair to visit your newborn

You sound like such a nice person OP and I know it's difficult to be tough when you have a good heart but your OH sounds really like a wet lettuce where his family are concerned.

Is he even bothered about the hurt they have caused you?

I would tell him because of the atrocious way his family have treat all of you they are not welcome to see your new baby neither at the hospital or at your home. Don't feel bad about saying it, you have done nothing wrong.

Yeah you're right Tooner, your post made me realise I should probably stop being so sensitive to other people's thoughts and feelings.
Unfortunately, as much as I want to grow a back bone and tell DH plain and simple why I don't want his family there, I still worry how his family will perceive me. They'll likely think I'm being nasty and uncalled for.

Either way, I've really not got long left til I need to tell DH all of this so I best get moving!

It sounds like they've made their minds up not to accept you as part of the family, so if I were you, I'd give up on hoping and trying to get them to do so. So don't worry about how they'll perceive you.

I'd be saying to DH, 'I understand this might upset you a bit, but this time round, I don't want your mother or sister in to view the new arrival until day whatever after I've given birth. And that's assuming all goes well. I'm putting my wants and needs first here to rest and recuperate, and I'm sure you'll agree that I'm fully entitled to.'

They'll likely think I'm being nasty and uncalled for.
From what you are saying, would that change anything about the way they see you??

Sorry bt you need to put yourself first for once. You are ging to have abdominal surgery. No one in their own mind would think its ok to rock put (or pace the floor) to see someone afetr bowel surgery. Most people would think its a hard thing to have done and would do wjatever feels nice/Ok for that person. Not impose themselves.

Thats the angle I would use with your DH. That you have previosu experience of a CS and you want some quiet time with people you can feel relaxed around. His dsis and mother dont fit the bill of 'feeling relaxed'. If need be talk about blood, boobs out, pain, catheter etc... and that you are unconfortable to feel so exposed in front of them.

And I agree. why re yu putting yourself through hat to make ot easy for yur dh when he doesnt seem to be ready to do the same for you? He should be there to support YOU after you having major surgery. Not the other way around

Oh I 100% don't feel like a part of their family. The last few years, they've not even wished me a happy birthday, no texts, no messages, no card... so when their birthdays rolled around, I didn't either. I know that sounds petty, playing tit for tat, but just highlights a way in which I don't feel 'seen' within their family.

I think I really do need to not give a fuck how they choose to view this situation, and believe in myself in that what I'll be doing/asking, is perfectly within my rights and not unreasonable.

No, it doesn't sound petty to me. To be honest, I would think it pretty tragic if you put yourself to any trouble to do birthdays etc, when they are so aggressively indifferent to you!

You are fully entitled to put your wishes and wellbeing first here, and anyone who doesn't, who asks you to do otherwise is being unreasonable. Anyone who doesn't support you 100% in looking after and nurturing you. (I'm looking at you very sternly here, OP's DH. I'm sure you'd never be like that, would you?!)

Just remember that if DH tells MIL when your elective is, she will likely turn up anyway. So he needs to know that he mustn't tell her the date or, if he does and she turns up, you will ask the hospital staff not to let her in. Which will be way more embarrassing for everyone.

Could you tell the nursing staff that the only person who has permission to visit is you H and nobody else. I'm presuming they have to buzz entry to the ward in order to gain access.

Tell them! Blame hormones 😬

I still worry how his family will perceive me. They'll likely think I'm being nasty and uncalled for.

Or alternatively, they will get some respect for you if you don't let them get away with treating you like shit for years and then expecting to just turn up when it suits them!! ;)

I think you should just tell him what you said in your op. Tell him why would you want mil and sil there when they couldn't give a flying fuck about you. It's supposed to be a special time for you both, surrounded by people who actually give a shit. Tell him straight

I think you can feel justified in telling him that you don’t want them to visit while you are in hospital and feeling vulnerable.
If he doesn’t want to tell them that, then he can tell a fib and give the c sec date as 5 days after the real one. That way, he can call with the news that things were “brought forward, baby is home and they would be welcome from x time tomorrow.” (Or when you are home and ‘happy’ to concede to an hour or so).
Afterthought have had an hour or so, stand up, announce how lovely it has been that they have had a chance to meet baby, that you and baby are off for a feed and a nap and you will see them again soon. That can be code for DH to wind up the visit!

Thanks everyone. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in that those who come to the hospital should be the ones that I want there and no one else.

Will let DH know either this evening, or at some point over the weekend!

Are you sure you aren’t overthinking this, OP?

Surely if relations have got so bad over the last number of months it’s not going to be a bolt from the blue to your DH that you don’t want hostile visitors in hospital?

I’d just come out with it to be honest, there’s no point pussy footing around it.

Just say

'Does MIL and SIL know the date of the c section?

If he says no, ask him to keep it that way

Why not say,: after the year you’ve all had you would like to take time together to be with your new born, just the two of you.
Then if your c section is for 10am, get him to say that it’s at 1pm .......
( not impossible, mine was for 8am and dd arrived at 11am as emergency went in front of me! )
That way, you can both have a special moment and all visitors would need to come in afternoon or evening visit!!
Congrats by the way! Don’t let them spoil it for you, they are just being selfish.