Please critique this email to my friend (re. visiting)

[pasturesgreen]

Next month I'll be in X European capital for 10 days on my annual holiday. I've never been to X.

My friend 'Sarah' lives about 40 miles from X. Sarah and I haven't seen each other in person in years, although we're in regular contact on social media. We get along well, but we're very different characters with different interests: Sarah is mid-50s, married and has a teenage son, is an extrovert and very much a life-and-soul person, who loves dancing and partying. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, of course, but I'm the polar opposite: mid-30s, single, no children, reserved, a bit shy, prefer my own company, can't dance to save my life - you get the picture.

I'm not averse to meeting up for dinner or drinks once or twice, but if I'm being realistic my main focus on this holiday will be to visit X, not to catch up with Sarah, iyswim.

When I tell her I'm going over, Sarah will want to arrange something, though, and is not the type to take no for an answer (know from previous experience of mutual friends who've been to X in the past), so I wanted to send a pre-emptive email to politely clarify I plan to do my own thing most of the time:

Dear Sarah,

[...innocuous chit chat...] I just wanted to let you know I'll be coming to X from xx to yy. I'll be staying at Z hotel in central X. I know you and DH will be working during my stay and you'll have your own commitments and things to do, so please rest assured I'll try my very best not to be in your hair and don't expect or need to be picked up from the airport or ferried round.
I've also already arranged to visit A and B towns for three days while I'm there. I do completely understand that it's a busy time of the year for you and DH, and I don't want to make more work for you, but I was thinking it'd lovely to meet up for drinks or dinner on an evening that suits you!
[...additional innocuous chit chat...]

All the very best,

Pastures

So, what does the collective MN hive think of my draft? Gets the point across? Bit abrupt? Can be improved? I've been tying myself up in knots a bit over this, so any help would be greatly appreciated!

No! It doesn’t get the message across at all. It sounds like you really really want her to say ‘no, no, I’ll take time off, we’ll spend loads of time together’.

Be far more direct ‘I’m going to be in town, fancy dinner on Dd, dd or dd?’.

Assuming you only want dinner and only want to meet once.

OP why the need to announce that you're going? Couldn't you just not say anything at all - or do you want to meet but just limited to one (low key!) night?

Keep it short.

I think you're inviting it in with that!!

Try this:

'I just wanted to let you know DH and I will be coming to X from xx to yy. I'm so excited and have been planning our itinerary for months to make the most of the time! If you're free and around at the same time, I'd love to meet up one evening for dinner or drinks. I'm staying in X district'

Your first email sounds like you're hinting you want her to be involved/take you places so might have the opposite effect!! Just "I'm in X over the weekend of whatever date, are you free this day or that day for dinner and a catch up"
Then if she suggests more you can follow up with sorry got a really busy itinerary

Definitely don’t mention airport pick up and driving around as it sounds like you are guilt tripping her into it

I’d just say ‘hello! I’ll be in x on x dates. Fancy meeting for dinner/drinks one night?’

It does ramble on a bit about not getting in their hair, which sounds like you want them to run you around rather than the opposite, which is what you are aiming for!

Just say you'd like to meet up for dinner on one night and suggest 2 or 3 nights when you would be free. Don't mention airport transfers or anything else about them working because it is really not necessary - they know that they work!

Have a lovely trip!

Oh gosh OP, I sympathise and all because we sound like the same person but I wouldn't send that! You sound like you are fishing for her to spend time with you! I'd find that really odd to receive if it was news to me you were coming, 40 minutes away when you have your own life and you never normally see one another is an acquaintance at best.

Why would she ferry you around just because you're holidaying within an hour of her home base, it sounds like you are saying you'd like her to if anything- I wouldn't assume to do that for an acquaintance just because they were visiting.

If you really want to send a message I'd just send the kind you normally send when you and she speak then bolt on "oh by the way, am visiting 'x' on x date - have a pretty full agenda but any tips are welcome, if you think you'd be free for a quick dinner of an evening let me know!" - or similar. If you don't want to do dinner don't invite it, and dont mention meeting up at all.

If she hears you're coming and is overbearing then just politely decline and say you're doing touristy stuff and have booed tickets etc.

If you have nothing in common and have to spend time planning how to avoid her when on holiday, what is the point of keeping in contact anyway? I don't mean that rudely, just curious.

completely agree with all the posters!

I am in x from (start) to (end), would love to see you, are you free day or day 2 for lunch/diner?

done.

If you aren't keen on meeting up ask her for her dates first then you can say you are busy......

It sounds like you WANT her to do all that for you.

Are you free for dinner on xx

V squirmy email OP. Over empathetic. Just keep if brief and more importantly your own agenda purposefully vague. Offer or suggest a couple of dates for her to pick from.

It sounds to me like you actually want to be picked up etc. but don't want to meet up?

You could just not tell her that you are going. That way you don't have to meet up or feel pressured into visiting her at all if she starts insisting. If she ever does find out you were there tell her you went on a group tour and that it was a tight schedule so you wouldn't have had any free time.

If you really do want to see her simply tell her the dates you will be free to meet up - give 2 or 3 evenings - and let her choose which one suits her. Tell her that you have a tight outside of that.

I'd echo what everyone else has said....Your original email defo sounds like you're hinting that you want her to pick you up and ferry you around! Why would you even mention that? Why would meeting up for dinner/drinks make more work for her unless you expect her to host? Just as well you checked it here. The last bit of your email, adjusted a wee bit, would be fine, e.g. ''I'm visiting X for a few days in August, so it would be lovely to meet up for dinner/drinks one night, if you're free. Maybe on Y or Z date?'

I think it reads as “although I understand you’re busy I really want to see you and would be really grateful if you offered to ferry me around at least a bit”.

Sorry - 'Tell her you have a tight schedule outside of that'

I'd write

Hey Mary!
Great news - I've beoked a trip to ?Barcelona? mid August. Have a lovely schedule planned including trips to Y and z towns. Really looking forward to it. I'm free on x, y, z nights if you'd be free to meet up one of those nights for a meal/drinks/ or chit chat I'd love to schedule you in?
Let me know if any of those dates suit you? Would you be able to travel into Barcelona?

Oh and any tips on must-see places/things to do greatly appreciated?
?????

What you've written reads

I'm coming to Barcelona on x date. I don't expect you to collect me or ferry me around but I'd like that Bye

Do you actually want to see her?

Your email does not remotely convey what you say you want to convey. Your draft email reads like a begging letter.

One thing I've learned (that I didn't when I was younger and would have needy pushy domineering types walk all over me) is that it is Ok to just ignore contact from people?

I mean if you text when you get there "fancy dinner on X night" and she bombards you with extra invites then switch your phone off or don't reply. Don't let her know any details of arrival times or hotel location etc.

I mean if someone is tried and trusted to be quite "reserved" in their contact then I'll try to respond in kind and will be reliable.

But if you know her to be the "type" who doesn't respond to you saying no then just ignore her?

There are some people who are "outwardly" quite jolly and extroverted, but tbh they can swiftly be overbearing bullying drama llamas if they don't get their own way.

It's hardly a good friendship if you're ok 75% of the time socialising but the rest of the time you're hiding in fear because she's bombarding you with "why did you not answer my message that I sent you six minutes ago?" clingy demands.

It's interesting because we have language and recognition of controlling partners now, but there's lots of controlling people out there who we aren't engaged with romantically. And their behaviour needs managing just as much.

Just WhatsApp her once you're there, towards the end of your stay, say 'Are you around for lunch or drink tomorrow? Fancy meeting up, I'm in your neck of the woods'.

Your email is cringy and reads like the opposite of what you're saying your want.

Give her 3 dates to choose from for one night for “dinner” ask her to book the restaurant and that’s it. Give dates near the end of your holiday.
Don’t give her loads of info about your plans etc.
Keep it simple like a text

I agree with PP. you need to make it more about you and what your plans are than about them. Send a short simple e mail saying when you are free if she wants to meet up and leave it there. Don't be sucked into anything you don't want to do.