Relationship with boss

[user1471514421]

Hi all, I posted a while ago about relationship with boss, I was unclear if there was something going on between us or if I was reading too much into things.

Over the weekend he txt me with a funny pic, he was abroad, I was out having few drinks, the conversation flowed by txt until 4am. Still nothing major in the txt, however not entirely 'work relationship'.

He came up to me Monday, we were both pretty sheepish, neither acknowledged the exchange, however there is huge tension, glances etc.

I dont know what to do, I love this job, we still manage our day to day professionally however this tension is always there between us. Is this something to live with that will eventually go away?

Any advice welcome?

For those of you married do you still have passion even though you may be together a long time?

I dont have any big issues in my marraige like gambling, drink, violence etc it just seems I'm not that into him, but is that enough to leave. Is that why I am seeking attention elsewhere

So confused

You can leave for whatever reason. You want passion and are looking elsewhere - is that not enough reason to leave?

If you are 30 with two young children and are lucky enough to have a good job, I would think very seriously about jeopardising it. Because that is ABSOLUTELY what you are doing. It’s doesn't matter how much your boss says he likes you blah blah blah. When this goes pear shaped it is YOU who will be out a job.

Stop all non work discussion in work time and all contact outside work. As Pp said, he will soon move on to someone else.

If your marriage isn't happy then work on it or leave. You say you don’t want to leave so work on it.

Passion is clearly a big deal or you wouldnt be looking elsewhere.

So I would say it's a good enough reason.

Because in 2/5/10 years when the passion issue is even worse for, and someone you do fancy shows an interest. You will end up having an affair.

In my opinion, passion is there or it's not. It's incredibly difficult to get that back.

Rosemary46 yes I see what you are saying, on paper I have it all, but this seems to be affecting me so much. I know my husband adores me and finds me v attractive so it's even harder that I'm not there with him.

I dont want to waste my life thinking what if but dont want to hurt anyone or have my DC suffer in anyway

Proteinshakesandovieshat yes I feel like I should want to jump into bed at the end of the day with the man I'm married to and enjoy being intimate but I dont. The thoughts of some new is exciting even though I have no intention of acting on it

I didn't say you had it all. I said you are risking your job and it’s hard to get a good one when you are a woman with two small kids. And that YOU are the one who will be managed out when this goes wrong.

And I didn't tell you to stay in your marriage, you are the one who said you didn’t want to leave.

Why do you think that you should be desperate to have sex every night?

The thoughts of some new is exciting even though I have no intention of acting on it

But you are already acting on it. You are flirting with your boss until 4am. Please don’t kid yourself this is harmless.

Rosemary46 my apologies if it came across like I was stating you had said that, I'm not. I'm saying on paper I do have it all.

Plus I dont think I should be desperate to have sex, however I am in the mood to, just not with who it should be

Honestly, in my experience if you do t fancy someone, you dont fancy them.

Can you pin point why you fanvied him in the first place and what's changed?

I had a difficult upbringing, I met dh when I was 16, I felt he had saved me. He was v kind, loyal and knew I would have a safe comfortable life with him

Oh op. You sound like me.

I met exh at 18 after a very bad childhood. Married at 20. By 28 the massive cracks were there. Not awful marriages but we werent compatible and I didnt fancy him.

But I wasnt interested in anyone else either.

Unfortunately for me, when exh started noticing I didnt fancy him and wasnt in love with him anymore, he assumed an affair. He became obsessive, followed me, went through my phone, used google maps to follow me around. He became obsessive.

I last until I was 35. I know now, I should have left at 28.

I didnr leave for anyone else. I am with someone else now. I met him not long after I left, about 2 months. I didnt start dating my, now, do until about a year after I left. Exh has told anyone who will listen that I must have met him before and had an affair. I dont even speak to my own parents because they believed him.

Even though everyone who knows me and dp know we didnt meet until after I left. Dp is a friend of a friend so they know when they introduced us.

Mine is an extreme version, but exh went from a lovely man that I just wasnt attracted to and grown apart from, into a terrifying person.

He doesnt even know where I live now. He was following me for quite a while after I fled the property with the kids.

I am not saying this will happen to you. But I stuck around for longer than I should, because I wanted the family unit for the kids. I thought I could get it back, but I couldnt and the more he noticed the worse it got.

I never even text flirted with anyone whole with him. But it still blew up.

And to be fair being in a relationship with someone, when you know they dont feel the same is pretty soul destroying.

I am NOT saying that you should stay in a marriage in which you are unhappy.

But I have to say that I don’t know many mums of two young children who also WOTH and are desperate to shag their partner every night. Most of them are just desperate to get to bed and sleep. Its less like the passion that you describe and more like running a nursery with someone you used to date.

Are you interested in fixing your marriage ? Are you willing to invest some time and effort on it for, say, 6 months, and see if it improves?

Rosemary46 your post made me laugh, I recognise how true it is. Maybe there a part of me that as I settled so young i never got to date and see what is out there. I have met so many interesting men who the last few years, I often wonder.

Yes I am willing to fix my marraige more than anything

If you want to fix it then stop all contact with your boss except work related matters in work hours. Start investing that time and energy with your husband , discuss how you can spend some time together without the kids, doing something fun . I don't mean a weekend away thats too much pressure, I mean a hobby or sport etc . Passion starts in your head and not in your pants.

Think about counselling ( together if there is no abuse and is he is willing ) or just on your own. You say there are issues, so address them.

Don’t the tell your husband about the texts or that your eye has been roving. If you need to confess, tell your counsellor or a priest. It’s not your husband’s job to give you absolution or take the blame for your poor decisions .

If it doesn’t work then at least you will know that your gave it your best shot and you can tell your kids honestly that you tried.

Passion waxes and wains, love is enduring.

Ask yourself what kind of person chases someone married? I know there is a lot of the person that made the vows is the one that breaks them but honestly his behaviour disgusts me. Especially if he has any idea your in a low rut in your marriage it’s positivley predatory.

I’m am not saying you should be unhappy forever in your marriage but unless your DH is abusive or there are major issues that are insurmountable then why not try and work it out. You both need to look at what is going wrong and if after working together it doesn’t work out then see about parting.

Every long term relationship has low points and it is very normal to feel the lack of passion with 2 young kids.

You sound like you are feeling low. I would definitely work on getting some counselling - maybe for yourself first and then as a couple.

If you have a man who genuinely loves and adores you that is not something to be thrown away lightly. If after you try working things out it’s still not ok then Go your separate ways in a dignified manner. When your dc are grown up would you really want them to know you separated because you had an affair?

Adversecamber22 your points are very interesting. I remember him actually saying to me, during a general discussion, not specifically about me, but thinking back maybe he was trying to get at that, that men in general see chasing a married woman an extra challenge compared to a single woman

Do you mean predatory because he is my boss?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow good advice about counselling, I have asked dh to do this before but he refused. I may pick this up myself