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Original poster

How can 2 families afford to live together?

64 replies

MadAnd3Madders · 08/07/2019 15:22

DP and I have been together 2.5 years. We want to move our families in together, my 3 dc live with me and he has 2 dc who live with him. So a big family! We have taken quite some time to make this decision as our children have only been part of the picture for a year as we wanted to take things very slowly, for them really.

We’ve sat down and looked at our finances and I don’t think we can do it. I would be the breadwinner – I don’t currently claim means tested benefits as my wages are right on the cusp of the limit, and he would lose those he does claim as a lower earning single parent as we would be over the qualifying limit for any benefits as a couple. Although there would be some economies of scale, I just can’t see how we can take on a bigger mortgage (or even rent) that a larger house would require in order to house us all when our combined incomes would be significantly less than our incomes based on living separately and running two houses.

Am I missing something? How have others managed this?

OP posts:
groundanchochillipowder · 08/07/2019 20:50

What Protein said. Put your kids first ahead of your own desire to shack up together and keep on as you are. You can't afford it. It's 20 mins. drive, not 2 hours.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/07/2019 20:51

Honestly though - I suspect a lot of blended families afford it by either being much smaller than yours would be; or because it’s less usual for both parents to be the resident parent and therefore one set of DC are only around every other weekend or whatever and share a bedroom when they’re with the NRP.

LynetteScavo · 08/07/2019 20:57

I would hate to have had to share a bedroom with someone I had t grown up with at that age. I'd wait until the eldest move out before moving in together.

Continue to live separately for now. Eventually your DP won't be able to afford his rent anyway when his children are older and he loses benefits.

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Families
RollOnSummerBreak · 08/07/2019 20:58

Can you rent out your house and rent a larger place in the cheaper area. Not forgetting things like council tax etc would half and things like that, sky, TV licence etc.

jennymanara · 08/07/2019 21:19

A 6 bedroom place is always going to be mega expensive.

Original poster
MadAnd3Madders · 08/07/2019 21:47

groundanchochillipowder I think you'll see that in my original post I acknowledged that we cant afford it. I was wondering if anyone had some insight that I had missed. And climb down off your judgey horse at the same time would you, our desire is not to "shack up together" like we are some halfwitted hicks who don't know better than to breed and smoke ourselves to death. We want to bring two families together who have individually faced some real sadness with the aim of improving everyones lot, with the children being at the centre of this.

Other posters have asked about the children- they do get on yes, and 2 have offered to share rooms already to be able to make it happen. Even though this was born out of them plotting and scheming between them, we haven't breathed a word to them about the idea of living together.

OP posts:
MyGastIsFlabbered · 08/07/2019 21:57

Why do some posters have to give anyone who even dares breathe about moving in with their partner such a hard time? I was on the receiving end of similar recently OP, my commiserations. We're currently working out the mathematics of whether we can afford it. But some people just like to get on their high horse and assume that no consideration has been made for the kids and the adults are just 2 lovesick teens who want to live together and damn the consequences. I hope you can make it work OP. Good luck.

Chloemol · 08/07/2019 22:16

As there have said, stay where you are in your house and the children will have to share. That’s the reality of a large family. If you can afford that now then you should be able to continue to afford to live there

Rtmhwales · 08/07/2019 22:16

Is the suggestion by a pp a possibility? Rent together and rent out your house - would you able to get more rent for your house than you pay in mortgage? It could add some income and be a fall back for you if this doesn't work for some reason.

HeyHeyMckenzie · 08/07/2019 22:23

MyGastIsFlabbered thank you Flowers sorry you have felt got at too- I understand that not everyone in the world will be sensible enough to put their children first but judgement obviously comes so easily to some posters. It's magnified for me I think and maybe I'm too defensive because DP is from a very working class background and I am ashamed to admit that my family think I am "settling" for someone beneath me. I'm so disappointed in them because he is the loveliest, kindest, chivalrous person and I have never met anyone out of whom goodness shines in such a way. I just wish they could take off their blinkers and see how astonishingly decent he is.

HeyHeyMckenzie · 08/07/2019 22:24

Oh bugger. Name fail again. Oh well.

RandomMess · 08/07/2019 22:35

Have you considered using a reception room as a bedroom? Splitting the largest bedroom into 2 singles or dividing it somehow?

It doesn't have to be forever but a medium term solution.

fussygalore118 · 08/07/2019 22:40

Can you move into yours and look at the kids sharing but perhaps invest in a nice garden room/pod that could be used as space away/private space to go to chill etc? I havecs friend who has similar... there is a diary for the pod and the kids boom it out :) for sleepovers / movie nights etc works very well!

TheBrockmans · 08/07/2019 22:44

Can you add a garden room for the eldest or use a downstairs room as a bedroom? Divide up the largest bedroom? If the majority are already at secondary then it will not be for long until the revolving door of young adulthood beckons.

As they all live with you both then I am guessing that their other parents have maybe died. I think it is great that you have been able to find happiness again. You should though consider wills and who inherits, it seems at the moment that your dc would inherit the house but maybe in time support your dp to find some way of providing an equivalent inheritance for his dc.

StrumpersPlunkett · 08/07/2019 22:46

I agree that snuggling at yours for now seems the better solution.
2 are already happy to share are there another 2 happy to do the same?

HeyHeyMckenzie · 08/07/2019 22:49

My 4 bed is of the v small variety, two doubles and two small singles. We've done a couple of sleepovers at each others houses recently but its horrible - too many people in too small a space, no privacy for the more introverted amongst us, but it could work at a push yes.

Rent would be same as mortgage- I rented this house before buying it last year.

It's really not doable at the moment is it :( Oh bloody buggery bollox.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/07/2019 22:51

Relative was in this position but they had 11 children between them and to get a place where they would all fit and could afford was an impossibility.

I think that only having 5 children would be much more doable.

Could some of the children share?

sleepingdragon · 08/07/2019 23:04

Is a loft conversion an option in your house OP? It might seem a lot of money (I looked into one at my old house and was quoted £25k), but you will save the moving costs and be in the area you want. If you could fit and afford both a loft conversion and a garden room you would create extra sleeping space and extra living space/teenage den.

In terms of funding it, maybe you or DP could get a loan? Will the savings of not paying for bills and rent for 2 houses leave money spare that could be budgeted to pay this back? I realise if your income drops by moving in together you might not have a few hundred spare a month to pay off a loan

HeyHeyMckenzie · 08/07/2019 23:19

Oliversmumsarmy bloody hell, 11! That's like the Waltons Grin (totally showing my age)

I'd not even though about a loft conversion sleepingdragon- thank you, I will investigate!

Anotherbloodyname123 · 08/07/2019 23:26

So if two have offered to share you still need five bedrooms? Even my very richest of friends/family don't have five bedrooms.

Can more share? Four bedrooms?
What about a three bed with a big garden and build one of those garden Room things (you'll need planning permission)?

Otherwise wait it out for a few years.

cardamoncoffee · 08/07/2019 23:29

OP I think it is in everyone's interest to stay put for the time being. Moving in together will mean that your DP loses out on benefits which will mean you picking up the shortfall. I really don't think it's fair to move 3 children into your dc's space and as a result you will become overcrowded. Have a read on the step parents board, lots of families love each other until they blend them!

HeyHeyMckenzie · 09/07/2019 00:21

cardamomcoffee yes I think you're right. Will give us both a chance to improve our finances too which can't be a bad thing.

Thank all for helping me clarify my thinking x

BlueSkiesLies · 09/07/2019 07:48

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

You can’t sfford to blend families and provide adequate housing for all the children.

The house will be horribly chaotic and as if the children really want to live with 2/3 others who they haven’t grown up with, aren’t family, and aren’t interested in shagging like you and DP are.

They might be very fond of each other now, but that is with their own space and own homes to retreat to.

Stay living separately. It’s better for the children. You and DP can date and don’t need to live together.

Almost all your children are secondary age so it’s not that long until they will be off your hands and you and DP can move in together.

fedup21 · 09/07/2019 07:54

You cant have the big house, in the area you want

This.

I’d go for either a loft conversion or move nearer him where housing is cheaper.

What sort of salary is he on compared to yours? Is there scope for this to increase?

applepieicecream · 09/07/2019 08:40

Loft conversion! Seems like the most sensible option. Don’t sell your house, it’s your money in property and it’s your security

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