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Getting really fed up of people commenting on my weight/size.

70 replies

TentsAndCampfires · 08/07/2019 00:13

Having a bit of an ARGHHH!!!

Apart from the occasional fling/short term thing, I've been single for a long time because I haven't dated any man for whom my weight hasn't been an issue. But I'm also finding it's women who are commenting too.

So whilst men are telling me that I should lose a few pounds; or just making general 'negging' type comments about my weight/size, women are trying to reassure me that I won't be single forever and that men like women of all shapes and sizes and that some men are attracted to women my size but there's always a tone that I'm 'lacking'.

My size/weight isn't a problem for me. I'd like to lose 7 - 14lbs but the last time I was lighter, I still had people making these comments.

WTF am I actually supposed to do about it! I try to ignore it but it's really beginning to impact on my self esteem now. I'm actually starting to worry about meeting someone or dating (not that I'm actively looking to do either) because I don't really want to hear these comments from anyone else if I can help it.

OP posts:
Hellohah · 08/07/2019 07:45

I'm a yo-yo dieter so I go between a 12 and 16 regularly.

Who are these people who are commenting on your weight? I don't think anyone has ever just randomly mentioned my weight, apart from when I was at my lowest and people said "wow, you've lost weight" etc...

ATrampsVest · 08/07/2019 08:06

Curious as to what weight you are because I'm the same height as you, size 12 and my GP called me slim the other day.

CutesyUserName · 08/07/2019 08:16

I've spent much of my life being overweight, much, much bigger than a 12-14 (yo yo dieter, currently size 14 - for now) and apart from someone I nearly ran over on a zebra crossing who called me a fat c**t, I've never had anyone call me out over my weight. I also call bullshit on this.

RockinHippy · 08/07/2019 08:33

You need new friends, end of, so bloody rude when at 12/14 you are hardly obese.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/07/2019 08:47

If you're 'all boobs and bum' you have a lovely figure - that's exactly the desirable 'look'

Ignore them Thanks

TentsAndCampfires · 08/07/2019 09:16

WRT to the 'troll' comments, I don't really care if people believe me or not. Thank you to those who have responded otherwise.

I've lost 1.5 stone over the last 18 months. I was about a size 16 before. But it doesn't seem to make much difference.

I am quite an hourglass shape and have found that wrap dresses suit me best but they do accentuate everything. I sometimes wear straight legged linen trousers and they are ok due to the 'give' in the fabric. Anything else is really unflattering and makes my hips look huge and my chest look like an overstuffed sofa. Because my waist is smaller relatively, things either fit on my chest, waist or hips but never all three. My boobs are promiment, my bum is prominent so I have to be careful not to wear things that 'hang' off my chest otherwise I look a lot bigger than I am. I did the bra intervention thing a few years ago so that's already sorted.

I've just taken my measurements, I'm 41-31-42 which I know technically puts me in a bigger dress size but all my clothes are 12/14 and the 12s fit best unless the clothes are very fitted.

No, not work colleagues. I don't discuss things like this with them.

I know that when I've been in a group of female friends, the usual "ooh I've put on half a stone" comments come up. I mentioned I'd lost weight and one said she could really tell. That's fine - you can tell. Which is why I think it's a clumsy way to reassure me that my size isn't going to be offputting to the right person. Because then someone said that they really didn't think I should worry about being bigger (I hadn't said I was worried about it) because big bums are fashionable at the moment. I hadn't passed any comment about my body.

The one who was into athletics told me she'd seen a "big girl" running earlier that day. She then looked me up and down and said, "yeah, probably your size. A big girl". There was a point to the story, I can't remember it but that was the bit that stuck. She's about a size 8 - not an ounce of fat on her. She has also previously suggested that my size is the cause of my single status but that there is 'probably' someone out there who won't mind.

I'm just trying to think of any men I've met who hasn't eventually had a problem with the way I look. And I don't think there is. Last year, one said a lot of men would probably have a problem with dating a woman my size but that he wasn't shallow and so it didn't bother him. Obviously, that was the end of that. They all claim to like women with a bit more flesh on them to begin with but then they're suddenly "not used to it" or whatever. I've had men who 'tolerate' it but no one who has ever actively found my body attractive. I've read posts before on here where women have said that men actively find larger women attractive and I find it baffling.

I'm not suggesting that I get shouted at and abused in the street by complete strangers but the people I'm closest to do seem to 'helpfully' suggest that I'd be more attractive to men if I lost weight or that I shouldn't be too worried because some men don't mind.

Which makes me think that other people must be thinking it too and that maybe it really is an issue for men in general.

ATrampsVest 11 stone.

OP posts:
TentsAndCampfires · 08/07/2019 09:45

I think what actually bothers me about it is that it took me a long time to feel comfortable with and confident about my body.

I started going to the gym so that I could focus on what my body can do. I used to go to yoga.

I've joined a body positive group on FB and I made a conscious decision about 5 years ago to never criticise my body or draw attention to my less attractive features.

But it doesn't seem to matter how positive I feel about myself, it is an issue for at least some other people and I'm starting to wonder if it is putting men off, tbh.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 08/07/2019 09:57

What horrible people you know OP! Poor you

I am an 18/20 and have dated and not once has anyone mentioned my weight- get tough with those that do!

your size is totally normal surely?

crochetmonkey74 · 08/07/2019 09:59

They all claim to like women with a bit more flesh on them to begin with but then they're suddenly "not used to it" or whatever. I've had men who 'tolerate' it but no one who has ever actively found my body attractive

I don't get this? Can't they see you when they first meet you though? It's not a surprise what size you are!

RockinHippy · 08/07/2019 10:08

The more I read, the more I see your friends as jealous bitches.WTF offers unsolicited comments on someone's size/weight & isn't a nasty bitch Hmm

You are a very similar shape to me & I'm frequently complemented for my hour glass shape. It's definitely the shape people want these days & when I make for clients I'm often asked if I can give them more curves

You do sound like you could benefit from seeing a seamstress & investing in some made to measure pieces though. These will get cheaper once your initial to fit pattern is done. Unfortunately off the peg isn't geared up to hour glass.

& definitely find yourself nicer friends too

TentsAndCampfires · 08/07/2019 10:18

get tough with those that do!

I don't say anything because I just feel a bit ashamed and wonder if they're actually right/justified.

I don't get this? Can't they see you when they first meet you though? It's not a surprise what size you are

You'd think! Other than a well fitting, supportive bra (which is necessary after years of breastfeeding!) I don't wear any support underwear because I dont want to mislead anyone. Someone did suggest to me a few years ago that because I dress well, I might appear smaller than I am and so it's a shock when they actually see me naked.

your size is totally normal surely?

The same person suggested at the time that maybe I wasnt big enough for men who genuinely like larger women but that I wasnt slim enough for men who like slim women.

With the women who comment, I have wondered if maybe I'm not big enough to trigger the 'we don't mention weight' sensibilities. That because I'm not 'obese' it's considered fair game to comment. But it still reveals what is in people's heads.

And i have had some quite unpleasant comments as well.

Added to the fact that I dont carry the weight well. I'm quite lumpy and a bit flabby. The fat on my torso is quite dimply. I see lots of women who are bigger than me who have much nicer bodies tbh.

But years ago, as a teenager, I was about 8 stone and I didnt look any different - just a slimmer version. So losing weight wouldn't help with how my body looks anyway.

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 08/07/2019 10:21

Tents you have a fantastic figure!

I am the same height and used to also have that sort of figure but I dieted and I'm now size 8/10 still an hourglass. I am very happy as I feel healthy and fit and able to run around after the kids however I was always 12/14/16 through my 20s/ 30s and didn't have problems attracting men and no-one ever commented on my weight.

I will say that you do need to buy what suits your shape. It's not a great season for that as there are lots of shapeless maxi dresses, t shirt dresses and shift dresses in shops that are not so flattering on your waist. I am struggling with this too as I look bigger than I am in many of them.

Bravisimo has some great clothes for the more busty lady and I used to find phase eight and ralph lauren (their cheaper range) had good wrap dresses or twist dresses. Perhaps Boden too. When I was losing weight I used to buy second hand dresses from eBay - if you get 'bnwt' it means brand new with tags - so never worn but great quality and much cheaper than new.

Just to repeat myself, you have a fantastic figure. I am not a man but honestly I can't see who wouldn't want a shorter lady with a thin waist and good boobs.

bumblingbovine49 · 08/07/2019 10:24

op, you are at that weight that people comment on . WhenI have been at my slimmest, that is where I am at. Most of the shouting about my fat legs and me being a 'fat bitch' have been when I was a size 12-14. Nowadays as an old size 22, I am more invisible and have mostly moved into the 'too old and fat to bother with' category I think.

I am very sorry you have to put up with this but you are a young woman so as many of us have found, your appearance (for whatever reason) is something that people feel they are allowed to give you 'advice' about

TentsAndCampfires · 08/07/2019 10:26

You do sound like you could benefit from seeing a seamstress & investing in some made to measure pieces though

Thanks.

I have considered this before. I have a friend who is a pretty good hobby seamstress. He has already explained how standard off the peg sizing works which explains why fitted dresses end up getting wide at the chest as sizes go up but not any bigger in the bust.

He dis offer to make me a bespoke dress pattern that I could then use to make my own clothes from but I was too self conscious to let him do it.

I'm frequently complemented for my hour glass shape

That's bonkers. Brilliant for you, but bonkers and totally outside of my experience!

OP posts:
Soola · 08/07/2019 10:33

What man in his right man complains about a naked woman? If he’s got that far and you’ve agreed to a romp then I can’t think of any man that wouldn’t be ecstatically overjoyed!

I wonder if the cruel comments are said in spite when the relationship is fizzling out or they don’t want you to meet anyone else?

I had one vile ex who when we would arrive at a function would whisper in my ear, “You look awful in that dress, it doesn’t suit you at all...”,in order to diminish my confidence and attempt to make me feel nervous so that I wouldn’t be my outgoing self and thus in his mind, talk to other men.

The women that are saying these things to you are either jealous or just enjoy putting others down and I would not waste any further time in their company.

TentsAndCampfires · 08/07/2019 10:34

StealthNinjaMum thank you. I dont really care about being 'trendy' and dont often buy clothes so I'm happy to being out the old faithful that do suit me. I just dont buy anything the years the fashion doesn't suit Wink

bumblingbovine I'm 45 - so not even that young! If anything it seems to have got worse the older (and more confident) I've become.

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 08/07/2019 10:36

What man in his right man complains about a naked woman?

I agree. A cock of the highest order.

I now realise my post might have looked like I was bragging and I'm sorry I wasn't. I didn't say that I might have a slim figure but I also have a mum tum - excess flabby skin and stretch marks and my boobs have seen better days from breastfeeding.

But my new boyfriend is very enthusiastic about me and makes me feel really special as I breathe in when naked!

StealthNinjaMum · 08/07/2019 10:38

tentsandcampfires I'm not very trendy either. I have never worn jeans either unless they're high waisted and I have some bootcut jeans I occasionally wear that I think are flattering if not cool.

Zoflorabore · 08/07/2019 10:39

You must know some nasty fuckers op.
I'm a size 18/20 and have always been big. Not one person ( to my face ) has ever mentioned my weight. I've never ever been short of attention from men ( and women! ) and I'm the biggest out of all of my friends and the one who gets asked out most.

Go figure!

I clicked on the thread thinking you were as big as me or bigger.

RockinHippy · 08/07/2019 10:40

It's not bonkers at all, I clearly have nicer more supportive friends, that's all. That is your problem, not your size. I'm bigger than I used to be, so I guess they're reassuring me, though I'm old enough not to worry so long as I'm eating healthy enough etc. That might also be your problem too, as in you worry about it too much & nastier bully type people do tend to hone in on others insecurities

Definitely take your friend up on their offer though, it does make a hell of a difference to wear clothes that actually fit properly

TentsAndCampfires · 08/07/2019 10:54

I now realise my post might have looked like I was bragging and I'm sorry I wasn't

Gosh no didn't think you were bragging!!

That description sounds very similar to me too! I can't imagine anyone ever actually being attracted to my body! Tbh, I'm not even sure I'd believe or accept it now if they said they were.

I've no doubt that some of the people have been intentionally unpleasant or might have been doing it with less than good intentions but I know that some of them are truly lovely people. The sort who worry about hurting people's feelings and fret about it afterwards. I just don't know. Maybe I come across as strong enough to take the comments but I'm not and I don't want to hear them. But more importantly I don't want them.to be true and the thought I always have in the back of my mind now is that even if people aren't saying it, are the thinking it?

OP posts:
TentsAndCampfires · 08/07/2019 10:59

But my new boyfriend is very enthusiastic about me and makes me feel really special

That's really lovely. I've just lost all my confidence in that respect tbh. I can't imagine putting myself in that position again.

That might also be your problem too, as in you worry about it too much & nastier bully type people do tend to hone in on others insecurities

I don't think I do come across as insecure or lacking in confidence really. I dont know. Maybe I do!

I will take him up on it. See if it makes a difference. Thanks.

OP posts:
TentsAndCampfires · 08/07/2019 11:02

What man in his right man complains about a naked woman?

Again this sort of comment on MN baffles me. Real life is very different! I haven't had anyone walk out on me! But there have been a couple who were visibly disappointed/put off and ended it very shortly afterwards so as not to have to relive the experience!

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 08/07/2019 11:05

I'm sure it'll make a big difference

I can recommend Per Una jersey dresses for fit for our sort of shape too. Though sometimes older styles are better, which I've often found new from factory over makes on eBay. It's the only off the peg that looks have decent in me

RockinHippy · 08/07/2019 11:08

But there have been a couple who were visibly disappointed/put off and ended it very shortly afterwards so as not to have to relive the experience!

Did they actually say that Confused in which case lucky escape for you or is that your presumption based on them ending it. Perhaps it was your lack of body confidence that put them off, not your actual body?