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Original poster

Is it worth seeing someone 10 years older who's going through a divorce?

31 replies

LettuceBeFree · 05/07/2019 22:53

Is it worth seeing someone 10 years older who's going through a divorce?

Met online, said he was primarily looking for friendship and see where it goes from there. We met in person and he seems super keen, we're both very bubbly, chatty and humorous so time flies. He seemed super nervous when we first met.

Says they separated ~half a year ago. Long marriage of 11 years, no kids (think inability to conceive was one of the reasons for the split). He seems super sincere, no red flags yet (and I've met a lot of fake, dishonest player types where I could see red flags even at start and he doesn't seem like one of those - at least not on first impression).

I've not had much luck in terms of relationships (been single for 2 years - have just had dates that ended up going nowhere/fizzling out) so I don't want to dismiss everyone in the hope of finding mr.perfect but equally wouldn't want to give something a go if it was 0% of working out well... anyone got any positive stories from such situations?

P.S I'd never get physically intimate with anyone whilst they're technically still married.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 05/07/2019 22:55

Just take it slow and see how it goes. Six months post marriage break up isn’t long though.

Soola · 05/07/2019 22:56

If he’s not pressurising you for sex then why not see how it goes and just have fun along the way.

DearLady · 05/07/2019 23:03

My guy is 10 years older. He had been in an LTR, no kids.
What age is he? You need to find out more about the fertility issues, if you want children yourself.
I’m married now, no kids. But I know if I’d married someone else...
However, my love life was all about fun, players, and heartache before I met him. We’re really happy together. If you click, give it a go.

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Relationship problems
Fantail · 05/07/2019 23:06

I’d say go slow. Has he got his own place? Having not done those things are big red flags. Also how is his relationship with his ex?

Six months isn’t long, but relationships often end long before an actual separation.

Men often move on quicker in my experience.

Theyroamoverhere · 05/07/2019 23:10

Theres a lot of super in there....
I'd look elsewhere tbh. Too much like hard work

Ginger1982 · 05/07/2019 23:15

Mmmm...6 months post an 11 year marriage and not divorced yet? I wouldn't. How old are both of you?

Original poster
LettuceBeFree · 05/07/2019 23:24

Thanks for all the helpful replies so far, everyone.

To answer your questions:
He is mid-30s, I am mid-20s.

@Fantail Yes he owns 2 places (one with his ex, one by himself - both in the same town), own car, etc.. He is very accomplished career-wise but looks very "street" in his dress sense, tattoos, etc.

I won't know for sure how his relationship with his ex is but based on what HE says, there's a bit of tension but neither of them have officially filed for divorce yet (as awaiting the change in law so that they can do it without blaming either person) and he says neither of them hate each other but it got too much with fertility issues, IVF cycles, her pessimism.. they were bickering too much and to this day, they get along great as friends but retrying for a relationship always makes them have arguments. He definitely wasn't one of those saying "my ex is crazy".

He seems humble, friendly, a bit nervous, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
LettuceBeFree · 05/07/2019 23:25

and he did say they'd become more like "just friends" quite a while before they officially separated (i.e. he moved out).

Again, I know I'm only hearing his side of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
LettuceBeFree · 05/07/2019 23:27

@DearLady That sounds great, how long have you been with him now? He says biologically, they both had no detectable medical infertility issue but it was more some sort of incompatibility when trying to combine the two... I didn't even know if that's a "thing?

But anyhow, I'm not particularly interested in having a child, so that side of things makes no difference to me (I think!)

OP posts:
Kiwiinkits · 05/07/2019 23:57

Wouldn’t advise sleeping with him until the official divorce application has been filed. Set ground rules soon. Chances are you’ll be the one he uses to get over her.

SushiForAmateurs · 06/07/2019 00:13

So do they live apart? I see he owns a separate place, but do you know for sure that they are 100% for certain separated and living apart?

He says he's looking for friendship. So why not take him at his word? I would be extremely wary of rushing into a post-split situation, when they're both still so amicable, and the split is so recent.

The amicability bodes well, but it could also be an issue.

And I didn't want kids either when I was mid-20s!

DearLady · 06/07/2019 00:28

Seven years, now. I was mid-30s, he was mid-40s. So children was something we talked about.
At your age I wouldn’t worry about that so much. Not bashing his ex-wife is a good sign, too.

managedmis · 06/07/2019 03:26

Guaranteed you'll be in a thread on here soon : I'm divorcing my husband, he still lives at home and he's seeing a woman mid twenties'

Original poster
LettuceBeFree · 06/07/2019 11:50

@DearLady Yeah makes sense. Just would hate anyone to think there was some sort of overlap, as there definitely isn't.

@SushiForAmateurs I haven't visited his home but he tells me that it's so obvious that he lives alone at the moment (house missing the woman's touch and he has a single bed etc.)

@Kiwiinkits Yeah I agree with that in any such situation. I wouldn't do that even from a moral standpoint (as mentioned in my opening post).

OP posts:
ChocolateTeardrops · 06/07/2019 11:53

Go slow. Very slow.

JacquesHammer · 06/07/2019 11:54

6 months post an 11 year marriage and not divorced yet?

Just a point on this. We weren’t divorced for two years after our separation. There was nothing amiss at all, we were divorcing for that reason! We had been together 15 years.

It isn’t a massive red flag for me, ex-DH started seeing his now wife 6 months after we separated.

As long as there are firm boundaries within the separation I think it can work.

Sn0tnose · 06/07/2019 12:00

He definitely wasn't one of those saying "my ex is crazy". Well that’s always a good sign.

I think the child thing would concern me. Does he still really want them? Do you really not want them? Because if your wants are incompatible here, it’s going to be a non starter.

I think the most sensible thing to do would be to take it really slowly, understand that you might be a rebound and he might be carrying an awful lot of baggage, but essentially, give it a whirl.

KoalaTea · 06/07/2019 13:17

I agree, as long as they're separated and living apart, dont take the 'not actually divorced' thing too seriously.

My Ex and I have been separated for nearly 2 years, but are waiting for the 2 years separation before filing so we can do no-fault... but we are both absolutely mutually free to pursue other relationships, there is ZERO chance of any kind of reconciliation. (hell would freeze over first)

Original poster
LettuceBeFree · 06/07/2019 14:07

@JacquesHammer Thanks, that's reassuring to know. I guess everyone moves on at different paces.. shame there's no one size fits all formula

@Sn0tnose He seemed to say he wasn't bothered either way regarding children.. like he'd have been okay having one but if it didn't happen, that's fine too. He said he didn't see the point of repeated IVF cycles, etc and that was a source of disagreement with her as well (I think he's implying that she really wanted children?) Again, I know this is just his side of the story though.

@KoalaTea Ah right, I didn't know you'd need to wait 2 years to file for no fault. How would they know when you actually separated? Wouldn't people just exaggerate how long ago they separated to get the "no fault" divorce quicker? or is there a way it's proven?

OP posts:
Birdie6 · 06/07/2019 14:34

Mine worked out great. He is 11 years older, was separated when we met. No kids. We've been married for 15 years, all good.

twirlypoo · 06/07/2019 15:06

I got burnt by this - ex was 6 months separated after 10 year marriage. On paper he seemed perfect, was very clear marriage was over, was very wealthy so both him and ex had their own properties both st home and abroad and had led very separate lives for a while. I actually knew his ex and she was lovely.

It slowly became apparent he was incredibly hung up on her still - it was just too soon for him to of moved on. He loved me - but he was also still in love with his ex and was grieving that relationship. I got very hurt - but I don’t think either of us knew that was how he felt until we were in too deep!

Original poster
LettuceBeFree · 06/07/2019 21:16

Thanks for the replies so far - seems like 2 very opposite outcomes..

OP posts:
KoalaTea · 06/07/2019 21:20

Lettuce, you have to provide evidence of separation, so moving out, new benefit claims...etc

Original poster
LettuceBeFree · 06/07/2019 21:22

Oh I see, that makes sense. I've never even needed to think about it before so completely unaware of how this kind of thing works.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 06/07/2019 21:24

@JacquesHammer no, I understand that divorces can take longer than 6 months, I just personally wouldn't want to get involved with someone who was still married and especially so soon after the end of such a long marriage.