Elect me. I will fly a unicorn rocket to venus, cure cancer and plant an orchard of money trees

[StealthPolarBear]

And I'm full of enthusiasm and have all my own hair

Are you orange though?? 😬 if you don’t look like you’ve been tangoed it’s just not enough.

Oh hello Boris

If I am elected I will invest in a spray tan. I'm not going orange just for the hell of it

Can I have every Monday and Friday off please? And free Spa Days for all blondes?
If so, you've got my vote and I will campaign for you vigorously on the village Facebook page.

Dunno if orange is preferable to so pasty you look like you've been locked in a cellar and fed nothing but jam doughnuts for 3 months.

No, elect ME. I am all things to all voters. And at all times. I can deliver absolute severance and convenient unity simultaneously. I can lie and lie and then lie once more and miraculously emerge without ever having told an untruth. I can simper and growl and suck-up and punch hard. I can simultaneously lower your taxes and raise your standards of living. I can get rid of all immigrants except the one who nurses you. Really, you can never lose by putting me in power.

Please make all cake calories free by law. Also raise the threshold for obesity to bmi 95 and solve the obesity crisis!

Ah, but do you know where Dover is? Or how to stop Chris Grayling from fucking up?

If your hair comes with sparkly bows, so much the better

I'm withdrawing.
NoneButOurselves for PM.
(Ps I also have an Eastern European cleaner, she's such a dear... Can she be exempt too?)

Dooooe-ver
Is that an island off the coast of Germany?

Ah no I do remember. From my booze cruise days

(Ps I also have an Eastern European cleaner, she's such a dear... Can she be exempt too?)

She can, she can. And all who serve you. Only the bad ones will magically vanish, leaving the rose-tinted country you so deserve

Will my rose tinted glasses be free on the NHS?

Sign me up! I will campaign for you. Where do you stand on passport colour? You could actually make them like those rulers from our childhoods where they're different colours/images depending on how you look at them. So the remianers see the wine coloured passports with the EU logo and the leavers see royal blue and a little silhouette of farage.

@Warmhandscoldheart Of course! We'll place you on the waiting list for three years, at which point we'll remove funding for opthalmology and remove your eyes instead. If you can't see evil, it doesn't exist...

Don't elect me - I don't make promises I can't deliver, I don't give a shit about being popular, I won't change my mind just because people disagree with me, I won't vote to kill off animals for my own entertainment (while pretending it's humane and such a terribly British custom), I won't kiss EU ass (though I may offend them by losing my cool and telling them quite bluntly what I think of them), and I have morals. Oh, and I didn't go to Eton and I don't have pots of money. And I admit I'm a shit negotiator but as the EU won't be negotiating that's okay. And I'd insist we'd leave on 31 October but that would be fine because that gives me enough time to plan a decent exit because I wouldn't be delegating it to numpties (on account of not even remotely being a team player).

a little silhouette of farage.

You've got me singing Queen now.

Will he do the fandango?

I’m throwing my hat into the ring. I know it’s late in the day but think of it like a wildcard act on a talent show.

I sleep in till around 11 am but can be really effective from 1pm - 5pm. Relevant experience - negotiated a lower monthly payment with Virgin Media two years consecutively. Can spell consecutively. Really good at getting glass shiny and talk a lot.

I will embrace any policy the electorate fancy, including a free bar of Lindt ( I’m a Remainer) for every voter.

When I say I’m a Remainer, I mean at this moment. I’m able to change really fast like a chameleon on a stripy rug.

I will give everyone a free trampoline. Even if they don't want one. And if they don't want one they can sell it. See, I can do economics and everything.

NoBaggyPants
Immediate training to turn my dog into a guide dog needed then. Oh wait he's an Irish rescue!! Does this mean all foreign dogs will be repatriated?

Okyah You had me at 'Lindt'

Yes me too I am swapping my allegiance to the candidate promising chocolate
Hang on... Chocolate now or chocolate in 50 years time? When life will once again be rosy and we all live in little postman pat villages again?

And what type of chocolate? American or Swiss? Cadburys is excluded since Kraft got it's sticky paws on the factory.

We have to have some kind of food standard here...

Oh I will send the Lindt in the post after you’ve voted for me.

Lindt. I’m sending Lindt. It’s a true European bar and much tastier then Cadbury’s offerings.