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Original poster

Resisting Pressure to Re-engage with Wife Work...

46 replies

DirtyDennis · 02/07/2019 12:38

I just needed to vent about this a bit!

Let me give a bit of context...
A couple of years ago I gave up 'wife work'. Primarily I refused to organise greetings cards/vouchers for DP's side of the family. Since then, in 2018 some people received cards very late, some people didn't receive anything at all. In 2019, no-one has received anything.

We're not close to DP's side of the family. He speaks to his parents on the phone every couple of weeks. We see them a couple of times per year. It's been years since we've seen DP's siblings/their kids.

Meanwhile, this year DP has started working on a project which has generated an additional, fairly substantial income for us (on top of, but connected with, his day job).

PILs came to visit at the weekend and dropped several hints to DP about him not sending cards/vouchers any more (particularly to his nieces/nephews). They also made hints that DP's brother is particularly pissed off that DP has this additional revenue coming in but isn't spending it on vouchers for his nieces/nephews. It was phrased better than that!

Then MIL accosted me and basically pleaded with me to get DP to start buying cards/vouchers or take it over myself. I obviously said it's nothing to do with me but the pressure is immense and MIL essentially suggested that DP's incompetence at card-buying was creating a rift in their family.

Aaaaah. Sorry, I don't know what my question is. I just needed to vent. We've just waved them off and I feel like I need to relieve the pressure!

OP posts:
Gustavo1 · 02/07/2019 12:42

I’m assuming you’re husband has been able to secure this extra project and extra income as he is, in fact, an adult who is capable of managing and organising his time. Therefore, he is also capable of managing and organising the odd card and gift voucher! It’s really not your responsibility.
I wrote everything on a calendar at the beginning of the year. If I see something coming up, I’ll remind DH. If he acts or not, is up to him!

Gustavo1 · 02/07/2019 12:43

Your DP sorry.
What I mean is, if it’s causing a rift and he still doesn’t act. Then he obviously isn’t that bothered. It’s not up to you to facilitate his relationships.

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 02/07/2019 12:51

@Gustavo1 EXACTLY!

I used to have all the birthdays in my diary. Then when I told DP I wasn't doing it anymore, I sent him an email with all the birthdays in. No idea what he's done with it (probably nothing) as it's not my responsibility.

I used to get itchy to remind him about birthdays but I refuse to even remind him now.

TBH it's the remembering and reminding that I find the worst. I don't necessarily mind getting a card if I'm passing a shop and he asks me to, no problem at all. It was keeping all his family birthdays in my head and in my diary, having them on the horizon and then asking him what he wanted me to do about it (i.e. what to get) that fucked me off.

OP posts:

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Families
LaPufalina · 02/07/2019 12:52

Well done for not backing down! My DH is shite at cards (almost phobic Hmm) and my MIL (whom I'm very fond of) got upset that she didn't get a Mothering Sunday card this year. I did buy it (when I bought my own mum's) and said short of standing over him and "making" him write it (he's 30!) I didn't know what else she expected of me. She said that was indeed what she expected of me and that she does it with FIL for his parents. No way would she challenge her son on it, she wants me to make him do it! I just laughed.

Oldraver · 02/07/2019 12:53

Nope, stay as you are and dont be drawn in.

Though a bit grabby of the PIL/BIL

FogCutter · 02/07/2019 12:54

Stick to your guns.

Your husband is capable of buying and sending cards and presents, he is just choosing not to.

His family, his job to sort it.

Tell MIL she needs to take the matter up with her son if it's troubling her.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 02/07/2019 12:57

How unfair of your mil to put all this on you! You might need to fall out with her about it a little bit. Sometimes people really do need to be put right about things like this.

What does your dh say about your mil pressuring you like this? He can't be happy?

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 02/07/2019 12:58

@Oldraver It didn't come out as grabby as I've put it here. I mean, yes, it is a bit grabby but not as bad as I've written it above!

@FogCutter That was my line "You need to speak to DP about it" but she knows she can't get through to him because he doesn't give a shit. So she's trying to appeal to my female-hood which she assumes will mean I care about family peace and whether people, particularly children, get cards/vouchers

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 02/07/2019 12:58

Just keep repeating, "well, you will need to talk to him about it"

What does he say, as to why he won't do it himself?

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 02/07/2019 12:59

@Nextphonewontbesamsung He just thought she was being ridiculous and I should ignore her. I agree and I am doing so Grin

OP posts:
Gustavo1 · 02/07/2019 13:00

Me too Dirty! I did them all then, once our siblings started having weddings anniversaries and children I told him it was getting silly and he would have to do his share. He’s not awful but things are often late these days.

sleepynewmumxo · 02/07/2019 13:00

The only people that are not benefiting from this, are the nieces and nephews. I feel a bit sorry for them, but see you point. Your DP needs to up his game.

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 02/07/2019 13:01

@NorthEndGal Well there are a few reasons.
Firstly, he doesn't care about his own birthdays so he doesn't really see other people's as a big deal.
Secondly, because he's not close to any of his family he never has to deal with any kind of fall-out or upset.
Thirdly, he's quite disorganized with things he's not particularly invested in (he's ruthlessly organied with other stuff, just not stuff he doesn't care about).

OP posts:
jackstini · 02/07/2019 13:02

If he's got some extra cash he could virtual PA it

Just send them a list of all dates and ages plus the amounts he would like to send and they will do it all for you for a fee

Don't back down and do it yourself!

NicoPolastri · 02/07/2019 13:03

Stay strong! Also suggest that DP’s brother should take it up with your DP if he’s unhappy with the situation, rather than whinging to his mother. Obviously phrased better than that!

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 02/07/2019 13:03

@sleepynewmumxo I completely agree. I think it's unfair on the kids but DP's rationale is that he doesn't really know these kids and we always give more than double the money value at Xmas. I don't think that's the point, kids like to open cards but I'm not getting involved as it'd end up being my responsibility again.

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 02/07/2019 13:05

Pil tried to get me to do wifework in the run up to our wedding. Started talking about inviting members of their family that dh didn't want to invite and asking me if they could come. Told them to speak with dh, they did and haven't tried again with me.

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 02/07/2019 13:05

@NicoPolastri They're weird and only really communicate through their parents (i.e. finding out how each other are, how work's going etc.). Last time they talked to each other was on the phone at Xmas.

OP posts:
NicoPolastri · 02/07/2019 13:10

Oh ok Dennis that makes more sense. Given that they’re not really in touch anyway, would your DP be bothered about a rift? What would happen? Would you be affected?

mbosnz · 02/07/2019 13:10

I'd laugh in MIL's face and say, when DH does all the cards and pressies for my side of the family, that's when I'll be doing it for his. Not my circus, not my monkeys, sorry MIL. Not interested, don't want to hear about it.

happycactus · 02/07/2019 13:11

I have also stopped buying cards/gifts for DH's family as they don't buy me anything in return. DH and DCs get cards and gifts but I don't. DH is rubbish at remembering birthdays, so he rarely buys gifts and if he does they're always given late. I couldn't care less what impact this has on his relationships with his family. He is a big boy and is more than capable of taking responsibility for his actions and dealing with the consequences.

mbosnz · 02/07/2019 13:12

And to be honest, I find it quite bizarre that there should be an expectation that nieces and nephews have any sort of claim to any extra revenue coming in - that's just weird!

Chilledout11 · 02/07/2019 13:14

No way would I give in. Vent and then forget it. If mil brings it up again just say 'oh dh sorts all that'

I still do the majority of wifework but stuff like presents dh sorts.

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 02/07/2019 13:24

@NicoPolastri Given that they’re not really in touch anyway, would your DP be bothered about a rift? What would happen? Would you be affected?

No, DP wouldn't be bothered at all about a rift. Nothing would happen at all and it certainly wouldn't affect me at all.

@mbosnz That kind of is my line of argument but my side of the family is basically my mum so I can't push this line of argument too far. Though, TBH, DP doesn't even know what month my mum's birthday is so the point does stand Grin

Ah, sorry, I haven't made it at all clear what I meant by the extra money thing. What I meant was that his brother was basically saying that we have additional money coming in so it's not like we're hard-up and can't afford to send cards/vouchers (not that we were hard-up before this extra money).

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/07/2019 13:31

His brother's children aren't entitled to a share of your extra income. However politely put, that's proper cheeky

I do feel for your mil though. It's not nice that your husband isn't considering how his behaviour hurts his mother. For her sake he should make a bit of an effort to communicate with his siblings and get to know his neices/nephews. And obviously they should also make an effort.

My uncle made no effort with me when I was a child and I grew up not loving him. It upset my mum and it would have been better if things were different.

You are under no obligation to do anything, but in all honesty if my mil was upset I'd try to fix it, even if it meant doing something which irritated me a bit.
I do know that my youngest son's girlfriend encourages him to be more thoughtful than he might otherwise be and I do appreciate her effort.