Resisting Pressure to Re-engage with Wife Work...

[DirtyDennis]

I just needed to vent about this a bit!

Let me give a bit of context...
A couple of years ago I gave up 'wife work'. Primarily I refused to organise greetings cards/vouchers for DP's side of the family. Since then, in 2018 some people received cards very late, some people didn't receive anything at all. In 2019, no-one has received anything.

We're not close to DP's side of the family. He speaks to his parents on the phone every couple of weeks. We see them a couple of times per year. It's been years since we've seen DP's siblings/their kids.

Meanwhile, this year DP has started working on a project which has generated an additional, fairly substantial income for us (on top of, but connected with, his day job).

PILs came to visit at the weekend and dropped several hints to DP about him not sending cards/vouchers any more (particularly to his nieces/nephews). They also made hints that DP's brother is particularly pissed off that DP has this additional revenue coming in but isn't spending it on vouchers for his nieces/nephews. It was phrased better than that!

Then MIL accosted me and basically pleaded with me to get DP to start buying cards/vouchers or take it over myself. I obviously said it's nothing to do with me but the pressure is immense and MIL essentially suggested that DP's incompetence at card-buying was creating a rift in their family.

Aaaaah. Sorry, I don't know what my question is. I just needed to vent. We've just waved them off and I feel like I need to relieve the pressure!

Does his brother send gifts to your DC (if you have any)? If so, then I think he should reciporacte.

If they're really not close anyway, it's pointless. If he can describe his niece/nephew as children he doesn't know, it boils down to a paper exercise.

I think it's sad when families aren't close, but it is what it is.

Pass on the feedback to DP and ignore the pressure. Sounds like the family is already distant anyway, which is for your DP and his family members to deal with (or not).

If the family are all basically decent though I would think less of your DP for not bothering to keep in touch with his family.

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds It's really difficult. I know this sounds heartless but, fundamentally, I don't really care that much if she's upset that her kids don't all talk to each other. I mean if she wants things to be different, she should do something to make that happen. I don't really see it as my responsibility to heal a rift (or perceived rift) in their family.
I mean the card situation is part of a deeper issue with their family's complete lack of communication and that's not my issue at all.

TBH, I'm not sure his nieces/nephews know we really exist. I think we're just the crazy aunt/uncle who send them a box of sweets with £60 each Xmas!

@SandyY2K We don't have kids.

@Loopytiles Yes, they're all quite distant but I think they're all connected on FB (so kind of in symbolic contact) but neither of us are on FB. His brother is a pretty bog-standard, decent human. His sister is a massive twat for all sorts of reasons.

@SandyY2K I think it's sad when families aren't close, but it is what it is
I think if I'd had a big family and been keen to see family, I think maybe we'd have gotten into this kind of culture of seeing family regularly from the start of our relationship. But I don't, there's just me and my mum. So I really stood back and let DP take the lead on how we'd have a relationship with his family (because I had no idea what adult sibling relationships look like).
DP doesn't really see "family" as anything particularly meaningful so doesn't really see why you'd be close to family over anyone else just because you grew up in the same house. Him and his siblings weren't close as kids.

Just say to MIL that sadly he wasn't brought up to think that marking family events was important.

In our family, I .the rubbish one with birthdays. I have never done DHs family as I have enough trouble remembering my own . DH never buys mother's Day or father's Day or birthday cards. but does call his parents on the day. He had a great nephew he sends presents to but his grown up nieces and nephews get a Christmas present but no birthday cards/ presents

This is fine with his family and they have never expected me to remind him of anything ( just as well really). It has absolutely nothing to do with me.

It does sound like his mum is trying to fix it but doesn't know what to do, so is appealing to you for help. But you can't make people feel love and it's true that it isn't your responsibility to fix it.
It's sad though and assuming his parents are decent people and weren't abusive or anything, I am judging your husband for upsetting his mum when it would be so easy no to.

I have 4 DC. Very close as children, happy childhood. There is love between them but they are all very different personalities and wouldn't gravitate towards each other as friends, if they weren't siblings. Even though I know there is genuine love between them, it does hurt me that they don't always feel close and annoy each other (they are still teens/young adults so hoping this will change). The mum might not have done anything to cause this, it's probably just that they are very different personalities, so even if you don't care that she's upset (she's not your mum, so I get that to a degree) your husband really should.

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds There wasn't abuse or anything but it wasn't a very nice household to grow up in apparently. His dad was a controlling, domineering arsehole and his mom was a bit of a doormat.

What I'm trying to say is that the card/voucher thing is really wrapped up in a whole load of family politics not all of which has been brought out into the open. Messy.

My SIL never bought for DCs birthdays. Needless to say neither did any of their uncles. But she did send at Xmas. So nice to receive pressies for them that I didn't have to advise on, or buy myself with money sent.

That is what you should do. No birthday stuff (the more DCs the harder to remember, then it's awful if you forget one) but nice Xmas present (or money if they're older). Thats what I do.

Sounds like his upbringing WAS dysfunctional / abusive, and this is just part of the fallout. Sensible of you to stay out of it!

Emotionally abusive father.

MIL expected me to do all this in a similar family set up- don’t call each other but see each other at Christmas etc. I did till we had our own kids and they weren’t really interested. So I gave up. MIL mentions it along with everything else she thinks I should be doing. Now I laugh and ask her why she didn’t teach DH to be organised/ do ironing/ cook when he was a child. That stops me being got at for 10 minutes or so.

Who does their 'double' money in a card at Christmas? Is it you?

It is infuriating that you are having to even give so much headspace to it. Stick to your guns, direct his mum to him and don't remind/mention or suggest - not your responsibility.

@EvaHarknessRose I guess it's a joint effort at Xmas.

We have an Xmas shopping day in town where we'll buy a box of sweets for them each, plus vouchers. I mean we buy lots of other stuff too, not just stuff for his family. I wrap up the boxes of sweets because I love wrapping up and I write the cards because he has terrible terrible handwriting.

I have zero sympathy for your MIL here. If she wanted to bring her son up to value/honour birthdays, or wanted to foster closeness between her kids, then she had plenty of years in which to do so. Instead she makes no attempt at that, then tries to push the work off onto you because you're supposed to be a soft touch.

No, no, and again no. How dare she hassle you instead of hassling your DH?! I think you might need to start adding "and please don't speak to me about this again, I've already told you to speak to DH instead," to your current response. And cut her off mid-sentence, walk off, or otherwise show offence as necessary. This behaviour is utterly unacceptable.

Sounds like your DH was given a somewhat dysfunctional childhood and is understandably reluctant to forge close links with his birth family - and his siblings feel the same. Sounds like a reasonable attitude to me.

Thats true. If they weren't close as kids, they won't be close as adults.

My family is close. My parents raised us in a way to have each other's back and that family stick together.

As a result, we've remained close and all our kids are close.

Unlike my DH, who will insist he's close to his family, but he walked right passed his own nephew once as he didn't recognise him.

Just as an aside, how does the distant, not in direct regular contact brother know about the extra income?

If you're feeling really really generous, you could suggest he buys a load of unisex cards and amazon vouchers in one go and then half the job is done.

I wouldn´t bother doing anything. Your DH says he doesn't see the problem and doesn't care if there is a rift in his family, so why would you?

@LenoVentura Because PILs told him about it. As I said, DP and his siblings don't communicate with each other so "news" is passed on through his parents. As in DP will call and say "how's Dave?" and his parents will say "Oh yes, fine, he's looking for a new job because his current boss isn't very nice. Yadda yadda". So our additional income was part of "our news" IYSWIM

@waltzingparrot We've got a whole shoe box full of cards he could dip into when it's their birthdays so that bits already done