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Original poster

Lifestyle vs education

27 replies

Ptlp · 02/07/2019 11:56

I have a 2 year old and a 6 - in a good private school. We can afford for them to be in private education until the end. They both appear to be doing great.

I am not doing so great. I suffer with awful anxiety and get quite down. I take tablets for it. My house is on a fairly busy road and I get no peace. I hate it. My school parent friends are wealthy and have loads of land and big houses which make me feel so envious. I also feel embarrased about my small house and that I cant even walk into the garden without hearing a truck or people walking past. I just need peace and resent having to drive to the woods to get it.

I am self employed but it's not massively successful. My husband earns quite a lot.

I am on a spiral at the moment about what to do. I could move - buy a big quiet country house with loads of space and have a different and calmer life. We would also have a lot more disposable income. But, I would have to remove the children and put them into state as we couldn't afford both lifestyles (FYI I was state educated - I dont want be labelled as a state hater because I'm not).

Is it fair to the children? An enriched privileged education or an enriched more varied childhood? I just cant give them the latter at the moment.

What would you do? Honestly.

OP posts:
KindergartenKop · 02/07/2019 13:38

I'd pick education. It's definitely more important. If you can afford it it's worth investing in. State schools aren't what they used to be 20 years ago.

MyOpinionIsValid · 02/07/2019 13:40

Education every time - unless you can afford to move right away where house prices are regionally much lower, yet still utilise a private education system

Hellohah · 02/07/2019 13:43

How much are you struggling with your mental health?

Honestly - would your children prefer a private education or a healthy and happy mother?

How could anyone rate education as being more important that health and happiness?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
thethethethethe · 02/07/2019 13:44

I would use state education for primary. It's perfectly good, and in my view better for children not to be in a rich bubble from birth. I wouldn't move to the country, as I think that has disadvantages. But would move to a house you like in a quiet and nice part of town.
Moving to state at primary level will help you to get over the envy problem. And you should get over it. You are far better off than most.

thethethethethe · 02/07/2019 13:46

Children who go private at secondary level do as well as those who go private throughout.

alostpainting · 02/07/2019 13:48

I think you need to address the causes of your envy and unhappiness. I don’t think buying a big house with land is necessarily going to make you feel better. You might just find something else to feel bad about.

I think you’ve set up a false choice.

If you can afford private school for the next 15 years for 2 children that is much much more than the cost of moving to a different area (not necessarily a huge pile though). And there are other options too. Can you take a career break? Can you take a sabbatical? Can you refrain?

alostpainting · 02/07/2019 13:48

Sorry - retrain !!!

JoJoSM2 · 02/07/2019 14:23

I agree about addressing the causes of your unhappiness and envy.

We were both privately educated but wouldn’t pay for the same for DC if it came with too many sacrifices.

In your position, I’d definitely want to live somewhere more quiet and reasonably spacious. I’d explore your state school options - some are brilliant. You might find that being able to afford a nicer house, holidays and extra curricular activities will give your children a life that feels privileged even if they’re in a state school.

museumum · 02/07/2019 14:25

The house cannot be the source of your anxiety. I know a big quiet garden seems the answer but I think the answer is to treat the anxiety.

EssentialHummus · 02/07/2019 14:37

I think you need to address the causes of your envy and unhappiness. I don’t think buying a big house with land is necessarily going to make you feel better. You might just find something else to feel bad about. I think you’ve set up a false choice.

This, sadly. And I can even imagine the anxiety transferring to your state school choices!

OK, so you can't change your house or the school - what can you change?

CherryPlum · 02/07/2019 14:40

Please don't be embarrased about your small house. I'm really not convinced a bigger house would make you happier.

Original poster
Ptlp · 02/07/2019 16:13

I've dreaded looking at the responses incase people judged me. Thank you for not doing so. I feel really good about what you've said. Your responses are practical and you haven't treated my post as a big issue which is how I've been seeing things - like me giving myself a false choice. That's a really really good point.

I wish I had a virtual person who observes my life and then comments on it - someone to just tell me what I need to do to feel happy and content with what I have. I want to feel settled and satisfied but I'm just not at the moment.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 02/07/2019 16:41

I want to feel settled and satisfied but I'm just not at the moment.

That comes from within...

Original poster
Ptlp · 02/07/2019 16:52

I know x

OP posts:
ElectricLions · 02/07/2019 17:17

You said your issues are that your house is

too small
on a busy road

So if you moved you could achieve
bigger house
bigger outside space
peace
more disposable income

but your children would be in a state school.

I assume that your move is dictated by a commute and so you can only look at certain areas. I think your mental health is very important. A home is supposed to be the place you feel relaxed, safe, peaceful. Yours does not do this so look at the possibility of moving.

Unless the state schools near you are dire then surely this is a win.

Neither Dh nor I attended pubic school, both my children attended an outstanding, over-subscribed primary school. We moved into catchment for an outstanding over-subscribed secondary school and both DC are thriving there. Dh is a sole earner I have been a SAHM for 15 years, we have a nice amount of disposable income and lovely holidays.

If you are London based then it is probably a completely different set of circumstances, but we are oop norf.

haveuheard · 02/07/2019 17:47

I wouldn't send my kids private anyway, but if you are suffering to provide a private education and you can't keep up with the lifestyle then you probably aren't doing them any favours. They may not notice yet, but they will soon. Its pretty shit being one of the only kids without the big house/swimming pool/holiday home in France/pony/boat.

Geraniumpink · 02/07/2019 17:53

Buying a slightly larger, quieter house maybe needs to be the priority? Is there somewhere you could move to with some good schools? Does it have to be one or the other? Would a smallish house in a quieter neighbourhood suit? Or state primary and private secondary?

reefedsail · 02/07/2019 18:05

Compromise on a small rural house. It would be quiet and you could keep the private education.

If it has to be a big country house then it's not about the quiet, it's about having a house that impresses people.

Tableclothing · 02/07/2019 18:08

What support have you had with your mental health so far?

Ylvamoon · 02/07/2019 18:15

someone to just tell me what I need to do to feel happy and content with what I have.

THIS Look at what you have - and not what you haven't got!
Let's see from your post: 2lovely healthy children, A home, A husband who works, no real money worries,...

midgeland · 02/07/2019 18:19

Is there a cheap rural option for you, so that you could have some peace and quiet but still afford school fees? We compromised in order to be able to afford views and quietness: we bought a lovely big flat and because people who move here generally seem to want a house with a garden, it cost less than if we'd bought the poky semi we were renting in the town 7 miles away.

BogglesGoggles · 02/07/2019 18:19

It would be immoral to expect the tax payer to fund their education because you want a nicer house (I say this as someone in your position). It would also be incredibly selfish to prioritise your own happiness over your children’s education.

alostpainting · 02/07/2019 19:09

I couldn’t agree less with the idea that looking after your mental health is being selfish. But it really isn’t a choice you need to make - you have the resources to be happy and for your children to have a good education. Being happy is not being selfish.

alostpainting · 02/07/2019 19:10

(That was in response to a previous poster, not the op)

postitnot · 02/07/2019 19:17

There's some research somewhere (I think it was in the book freakanomics) that says it doesn't matter which school a child goes to, what matters is that the parent cares which school it is and will support that child during their time at school. Admittedly I live in an area with very good state schools.

However, it's more important that you get help with dealing with your anxiety as previous people have said.