Dd sneaked her bf in overnight.... wwyd?

[theunrivalledjoysofparenting]

DD has just told me that her boyfriend sneaked back in to spend the night at our house at the weekend (I was away for the weekend).

How would you handle this? It wasn't for sex, it was to talk. DD has been very depressed recently - friendship issues, school, self harming, putting too much pressure on herself. She's 15. We've had nothing like this from her before, no lying, no deceit (that we know of). We have a good relationship. (I thought.)

Her bf's dad found out and has disowned the bf and banned him from seeing dd.... which I think is bonkers. dd is distraught.

Dd told us she just wanted some time to talk to her bf without anyone hearing.

I’m gobsmacked at the deceit, the planning, but I’m more upset that dd is so sad.

Advice, please?

I think the boys dad over reacted

Having had a DS16 (now 23) who sneaked his "15" year old gf in one afternoon when we were out (and he lied to us because she was actually 14) I'd be empathetic about the reaction ...

I did this once when I was 14. I have no idea why I did it. I was a latch key kid so brought him home before my Mum returned from work. She rarely ever came in my bedroom and I usually spent most of my time in there so this was nothing different. She found him first thing in the morning though and went absolutely ballistic! Kicked him out, started shouting and screaming. She demanded I take the MAP even though I swore blind we hadn’t had sex.

We actually didn’t have sex at all. I didn’t have sex for a further two years after that but of course her natural reaction was to think I had.

Sorry, just reminded me of that. Very possible she didn’t have sex. I wouldn’t be happy about my DD’s doing this, I think the lying would be the worst part. Her BFs dad sounds a little extreme...

He hasn't disowned him in the earlier post, which is almost word for word (with the addition of disowning) he had simply banned his son from seeing her. It seems OP didn't get enough replies so had to add some more detail:

No, cdlaivfifd, I've just talked to dd since so I know more detail, thanks. I'm trying to give context without posting anything too identifying.

I really don't think they had sex. That's not my main issue.

My main issue is the lying and dd's mental health.

We talked last night and I think a lot of it will be better when school breaks up and she gets a break from the toxic friends situation and a break from work.

Thanks to those who have given advice. I appreciate it.

Not so many thanks to those who have made assumptions and picked holes in my story or assumed dd has had sex.

I can understand the BF's Dad's reaction to a certain extent, his young son has lied, has spent the night in a place other than where he was supposed to be, and he is supporting his young GF who has MH issues and who self-harms (no criticism of your DD at all, but that is a lot on young shoulders).

If you have only just found out about the self-harming, is it worth taking her back to the GP to discuss things? Is she on any medication? My DD was very similar at that age and was on ADs for a year, which made a huge difference to her.

It may be worth working with her to identify organisations that she can call or message for support, some will offer online chat, which can be less daunting that telephoning.

Please don't get too upset about the lying - it really is standard behaviour for teens and does not mean they are off the rails. It just means they are testing boundaries, which is normal and healthy. If it carries on for years, you may have an issue. But right now you have a pretty normal teen doing pretty normal teen stuff.

But right now you have a pretty normal teen doing pretty normal teen stuff.

Thank you, that's helpful! I've talked to her.

I think she's ok at the moment without medication. She knows things she should be doing for her own self-care and we will do more of them. The causes of her depression are external - if school was better and friends issues were better I think she'd be ok. I will keep a closer eye on her.

She has chatted online to people from Young Minds, and she found them helpful. She's also seen a counsellor for anxiety, so she has CBT strategies to put in place.

I can understand the BF's Dad's reaction to a certain extent, his young son has lied, has spent the night in a place other than where he was supposed to be, and he is supporting his young GF who has MH issues and who self-harms (no criticism of your DD at all, but that is a lot on young shoulders).

Kind of. DD has not self harmed since she met her bf. She thought she was at risk of it, which is why she wanted to talk to him. I assume he was worried about his son, but disowning him is not the ideal reaction. DD has been v supportive to him too; it's not all been one-way.

I can see where you DD is coming from. My DD suffered a massive trauma as a young teen and her BF used to stay over (with my knowledge) He was a lovely boy and never once pressured her for sex; she just needed his company to see her through some nights and keep the demons at bay. She is now an adult and we recently discussed this and she tells me they honestly never had sex until about 4 years into their relationship.

In a strange way you should be grateful to him for offering the comfort she needed and preventing any further self harming. Plus this has brought her problems into the open so you can start to find a way to deal with them.

I would ask your GP for a referral for some sort of counselling for DD; because of her age it might be family counselling (I think, not sure) and this is no criticism of you but to teach you how to handle her problems and what to watch for.

Don't be angry with her for lying, she very obviously knew it was wrong and there is nothing to be gained by piling more guilt on to a troubled young girl.

I find it very sad how much they have to deal with these days. I had 'friendship issues' (read bullying) at school but prior to social media, mobile phones etc it was, at least, all over at the end of the school day; now they can't escape it.

Please don't get too upset about the lying - it really is standard behaviour for teens and does not mean they are off the rails. It just means they are testing boundaries, which is normal and healthy. If it carries on for years, you may have an issue. But right now you have a pretty normal teen doing pretty normal teen stuff

I'll second this, I'd also add make it easy for her to tell the truth, she only deceived you and honestly not that badly, because she needed that time to really chat through the crap that she's been going through and there is only so much you can do as a parent.

You should feel blessed that she came clean and concentrate on the next year with the GCSE's coming up and helping her to get her head straight.

Is there anything you can get planned for the summer to distract her, things like this do tend to happen at the end of term.

BF's dad is an idiot, you can not disown someone and then expect to dictate to them who they can and can not see.

Also check out the 'holding onto the rope' thread in the teens section it certainly helped me get the last few years into perspective and is the most supportive thread on MN.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3584550-Holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-Po-Ts-where-parenting-a-teen-is-having-an-adverse-effect-on-our-mental-health?pg=1

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3584550-Holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-Po-Ts-where-parenting-a-teen-is-having-an-adverse-effect-on-our-mental-health?pg=1

Thanks, billy. That's really helpful. Will check out that thread.

Sorry you’ve got al, this worry OP. You sound like a lovely, supportive mum and although it must be hard to have found out you were lied to, I agree it is standard teen behaviour. I remember lying to my mum sometimes just so that she wouldn’t worry about me.

I really hope the BFs dad cools down. Is it worth trying to meet up for a chat with him perhaps?

The school holidays should help too. Hope your DD feels better soon. Just let her know that you are always there for her no matter what’s and want what’s best for her and chances are things will get better.

I did this when I was 15 and honestly it was to have sex