Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Dd sneaked her bf in overnight.... wwyd?

63 replies

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/07/2019 23:08

DD has just told me that her boyfriend sneaked back in to spend the night at our house at the weekend (I was away for the weekend).

How would you handle this? It wasn't for sex, it was to talk. DD has been very depressed recently - friendship issues, school, self harming, putting too much pressure on herself. She's 15. We've had nothing like this from her before, no lying, no deceit (that we know of). We have a good relationship. (I thought.)

Her bf's dad found out and has disowned the bf and banned him from seeing dd.... which I think is bonkers. dd is distraught.

Dd told us she just wanted some time to talk to her bf without anyone hearing.

I’m gobsmacked at the deceit, the planning, but I’m more upset that dd is so sad.

Advice, please?

OP posts:
Original poster
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/07/2019 23:40

Yeah, AF, I thought the ‘sneaked back in’ thing would make that clear. Apparently not.

OP posts:
RoRosmama · 01/07/2019 23:50

Gosh lots of judgement going on here!
Don't make assumptions, ask questions people. Jeez!
From what you have said it seems you have a good relationship with your DD. Remember when we were that age? Like you say she wanted to talk to BF about it because she thought he would be more inclined to understand the self harming.

I would just be there for her and listen and perhaps delicately mention seeing a healthcare professional about mental health?

I don't think you are being naive about the sex thing. You know your DD not any one of us on here and if you believe her then that's good enough.

I wish her and you all the best.

GreenTulips · 01/07/2019 23:54

friend shit situation

That’s a good typo!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

15 year olds
Original poster
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 02/07/2019 00:00

It wasn’t a typo! It is a shit situation!

Thanks, RoRo. We have seen a psychologist already about dd’s anxiety. She does talk to me about how she’s feeling.

No, I don’t think I’m being naive either, thanks.

Thought i’d Posted on Aibu by mistake...

OP posts:
Original poster
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 02/07/2019 00:01

She chose this weekend because I was away and she thought dh would be less observant than me. Turns out, she was right.

Although the doesn’t tend to go in her room at night, and I do, to check on her. Not blaming dh. But he’s blaming himself.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 02/07/2019 00:05

How old is her bf?

RoRosmama · 02/07/2019 00:06

That is so good to hear that she talks to you about her feelings. Very important! It seems to me you're going about it all the right way and I say just continue what you're doing. The sneaking the BF in bit, yes it's naughty and I'm sure you've made her aware of that and spoken about it. We were all teenagers once and to be honest I did much worse then that!! 😳

thisiswhathappened · 02/07/2019 00:08

I don't believe she's unable to talk to her boyfriend at any time without others hearing and sneaking him in was the only way, sorry. I think it's likely they're having sex.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2019 00:13

Op I would praise her for her honesty, and also for knowing what she needed to be safe.

But also make it clear that it isn't OK - the lying, his parents presumably not knowing where he was, if there had been a fire and no one knew he was there etc.

Can you find a compromise on what happens if she feels to talk to him in private? Do they have pocket. Money to go out for a Maccies for example? The fact she planned it means it wasn't a crisis call, so if she needs that kind of chat with him again, plan how they can do that appropriately

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2019 00:14

Re talking to friends Mum, I wouldn't without daughters consent. You're trying to teach her to be open and honest with her, so going behind her back to talk to this woman you're not even friends with isn't a good plan

Original poster
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 02/07/2019 00:16

They’re both 15. They only planned it two days earlier - I made last minute plans to go away for the weekend.

Yes, I told much worse lies to my mum, but I had hoped dd could talk to me more than I could to my mum...

Good idea, Sleeping.

OP posts:
K1ssIt · 02/07/2019 00:19

How old is the boyfriend? Is he underage too or older? When you say his father has disowned him it sounds like the boy is an older teen and the Dad is worried about a rape charge.

Did his own parents not wonder where their son was all night or did he lie to them too? I'm assuming they knew he was at your house during the day? Wouldn't they think it's odd he didn't come home?

thebelt344 · 02/07/2019 00:19

Do you love your child? it seems like you do what is best for them. Smile

Original poster
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 02/07/2019 00:19

I am friends with the mums of dd’s two ex-friends and we have talked about their issues. At the time, dd was being a really good friend to A as B was being a bitch. Now A and B are ‘best friends ’ and making a meal of it, leaving dd out. A’s mum would be horrified if she knew. She contacted me to thank me for dd being so good to A when B was being horrible. I’m so sad about this. We’ve taken the girls on holiday and they have been best friends since Year 7. I’m horrified they can act like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 02/07/2019 00:22

Dd’s Bf switched off the location thingie on his phone. He’d said he had a sleepover with a friend. His parents are divorced and not always on the ball.

Of course I love her, belt, and she knows that.

OP posts:
K1ssIt · 02/07/2019 00:25

Cross post about age sorry

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 02/07/2019 00:27

All kids lie at some point. It's part of growing up. It does not make them bad people, it's just totally normal behaviour as they test boundaries. So tell her off, impose some sort off sanction and move on. It's not the end of the world

cdlaivfifd · 02/07/2019 00:27

He hasn't disowned him in the earlier post, which is almost word for word (with the addition of disowning) he had simply banned his son from seeing her. It seems OP didn't get enough replies so had to add some more detail:

PregnantSea · 02/07/2019 00:32

Don't talk to those other mums - I know you want to help but she's 15, it's not really appropriate and it will probably embarrass her and could make everything much worse. This problem isn't really about her friends, it's about her. It sounds like they've been shitty to her but she needs to focus on her own mental health and also find herself some new friends.

If her mental health issues are genuine then I wouldn't punish her for this. I also wouldn't get involved with the boyfriend's parent's punishment, but I know others have suggested that you have a chat with them so I guess it depends how you want to approach it.

K1ssIt · 02/07/2019 00:47

I do think they may have had sex and they've both shown they can lie to their parents and be believed, but you know your daughter better than us and I know you'll be more worried about her mental health and self harming at the moment.

I think if you do genuinely feel they are not having sex and are not even considering it I would still have a chat about contraceptive choices and maybe going with her to the go for the pill. It because you're wanting to encourage them to have but sex but realistically two 15 year olds are sneaking about to spend the night the together are likely to be having some sexual activity and could get carried away.

My first boyfriend parents allowed us in their dining room and even bought a sofa and tv for us to watch. Walls were thin enough to hear the tv in their living room but without going into tmi, even with his parents popping in at random tones we still managed sexual activity.

I also lied to my Mum when I was 15 about sleeping at a friends so I could spend the night at a party with my boyfriend. I was caught out when my Mother phoned the friends Mum I'd said I was at and I'm not proud but I told her I was struggling with an ongoing issue with my Dad and he was the only person I get I could talk to and I said this because I knew she'd feel sorry for me and not be angry, I knew I'd made her worry about me and promised we hadn't and didn't want to have sex. She believed me easily because until then I'd never done anything wrong, no skiving, no drinking, worked hard and kept head down at school and hadn't seriously misbehaved until that point. I still feel shit that I made her feel like we weren't as close as she thought and couldn't talk to her.

I did actually have trouble dealing with emotions with an issue with my Dad, so am not saying your dd is lying about her mental health problems at all, but it had nothing to do with me wanting to spend the night with my boyfriend. One of my friends did a similar thing but her boyfriend was 19 and she was 15 so her parents were understandably very very angry with an adult man sneaking into teenage girls bedrooms.

I hope your dd gets the help she needs.

LikeDolphinsCanSwin · 02/07/2019 01:40

Leaving the did they/didn’t have sex aside, I can see where the bf’s dad is coming from. The sneaking around and staying out all night is obviously an issue. But also, if he is a similar age to your DD, he is way too young to be having any responsibility for supporting a depressed, anxious, self-harming teenager. He is very likely to be totally out of his depth.

If I was his parent, I would have huge concerns about this whole situation.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 02/07/2019 01:51

The main thing to be concerned about is the self harming and depression.
I get that you are disappointed about her bringing her bf back in but if my dd told be those other things the bf would be the least of my worries.

Hope your dd is ok.

lyralalala · 02/07/2019 03:39

I think you have to try and look at the positives and the negatives in a situation like this.

They lied, which isn’t good and needs a consequence.

However, your DD found someone she could confide in about the self harm, which is a positive.

They were sneaky; which isn’t good, but they were both safe. They didn’t both invent sleep overs and then go to the park/woods/bus shelter or get to 3am and realise that no plan was a bad idea. So there was a (small) element of sensible in their plan.

You need to have a conversation about contraception and make sure it’s available to her, but that wouldn’t be my focus right now. The self harm - have you seen any injuries? Are they clean, no dodgy teenage clean up jobs with anything likely to encourage infection?

I would ask her if she wants you to mention it to the other Mums, but be prepared for her to say no and you should respect that. Self harm is, in my very limited experience, sometimes a way of trying to regain control and taking away more control could backfire. If she says yes think very carefully about how much you say. The Mums are your friends, but some parents can’t see by their kids, and you don’t want to give too much information that could be used to taint her (I wouldn’t mention the self harm for example)

Good luck. It’s a tough age!

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2019 08:43

Yes, I told much worse lies to my mum, but I had hoped dd could talk to me more than I could to my mum... she told you. She could have waited to see if bf Dad said anything then put it down to hormones but she didn't. She told you and was honest about why. That's good

Rickandportly · 02/07/2019 08:47

Oh god, I used to sneak my boyfriend in all the time at that age. He used to sneak out the back door at 5am.

I think the boys dad over reacted.
I have a 16 year old ds, but I would have be in a panic if he wasn’t at home anyway as he’s not like that. But he ‘disowned’ him? Christ.

Swipe left for the next trending thread