Would you donate to something like this for a friend?

[CatchTwenty2]

Just to state - this isn't me asking, I haven't set this up. I wouldn't canvas Mumsnet for donations. It's a question because it's been suggested and I don't think I'm comfortable with it.

Our situation -

DH and I - He works full time and is well paid, I work 2 part time jobs on a bank basis and don't earn a lot at all - I cannot get a full time job because often I will have to be away from home with DS1.

DS1 has a life limiting illness, there is no cure and he will eventually require a transplant, he spends 2-3 weeks in hospital every 6 weeks, this is a hospital 2 hours away from home. He has such a huge amount of medical equipment, medication gets delivered by the pallet load.

DS2 - 12
DS 3 - 6
DD1 - 5

Currently we're in a tiny 3 bed housing association property. DH and I have to sleep downstairs in the living room, we have a tiny garden that we use a lot for time out (relaxation rather than punishment) and DS1 spends time out there doing treatments when he can.

With the support of the health team surrounding us we approached the council to see if we could seek alternative social housing, I am really keen to move close to my family as where I am I have no friends of family or support apart from DH, I find this very isolating and it's impacting my MH with the extra stresses I have if DS1's health.

We cannot seek private rent, we need somewhere secure and adaptable, DS's OT has recommended several adaptations for him to future proof the house.

We were offered an extension on our current place but it would have halved the already too small living area and taken away the whole garden, the hospital and the OT strongly advised against it. Plus it would take several months to build and DS would have no where to live while it took place.
It also works on a grant basis so would be left to us to organise which pushed me over the edge with my MH and I spent a while unable to manage day to day life. I'm getting better again now.

We have looked extensively into swapping the property and haven't had any luck, this isn't a desirable area.
The council have come back and said because our income is too high we cannot go back on the housing list so we're stuck.

I am trained to carry out DS's treatments at home but his hospital team won't allow this because there isn't a designated area that can be kept clean to hospital standards.

We have looked into mortgages as stated Dah earns well and we could afford mortgage repayments but not the deposit, everytime we save anything tiny it goes into DS's hospital stays. We stick to a family budget and don't have any luxuries at all. The only holiday we've had was donated by a charity and we don't drink alcohol/smoke/have sky etc etc.

Several people have floated the idea that a Gofundme to raise the money for a 5% house deposit would be a good idea but I'm not sure if it's a really cheeky thing to do.

So would you donate to someone who set up something like this in our circumstances?

I certainly wouldn't be able to give a big amount but i would throw a fiver or so down

I wouldn't if it was me. I would feel uncomfortable asking friends to donate to a house deposit.
I'm not saying it's wrong, but that I wouldn't do it personally.

In these circumstances then I don't see a problem. I would definitely give if I saw someone I know with a just giving page for these reasons.

I wouldn't donate to anyone so they could buy a house. I'm sorry but circumstances aside I think its really cheeky.

I’d donate happily to something like that, probably a small amount to an acquaintance. I’d donate generously and look into additional fundraising ideas if this was a close friend or family member.

It’s not cheeky, honestly, people who love you want to help and anyone who disagrees can simply not donate.

I wish you all th best, what a difficult situation.

The mortgage company usually like to see where the money has come from as well, not sure how they would view this.

No I wouldnt. I would donate for treatment, hospital stays or whatever but I wouldn’t donate so someone could buy a house. Sorry.

Yes there is that to consider - wether a mortgage company would be happy with the deposit coming from a crowd funding source.

I don't think I will do it, I don't think I'd like my social circle to know about my personal circumstances in regards to MH issues.

We have literally no other options though apart from managing until the kids are old enough to move out! DS2 is 12 now so it won't be THAT long right?.....

You could try. Personally I wouldn't donate to this but others might.

I’d donate a small amount to a friend or even a friend of a friend. It really would be small though - about £5 to a stranger, max of £20 to a friend, possibly £100 to a really good friend, but I’d help with any other fundraising activities. I don’t have much disposable income.

How much is is a suitable house in your area?

I think it’s a good idea and your friends would want to help you. It would make so much difference to yours and your family’s lives.

I really feel for you. What are you classing as a "good wage" because that would be the decider for me really.

Depends on how wealthy your extended family is?

A suitable house is about £250-275k in an area where my family are and something that has space for DS to be treated at home.

All our problems are currently hinges on housing, it's so frustrating! DS1's schooling issues could be sorted if he didn't spend 6 months a year away from home, my MH would settle and our income would increase because at the moment we spend a huge amount on hospital trips.

I will keep it in mind for a while, see if I can come to terms with putting everything out there for people to read, obviously everyone knows DS is very unwell but I don't really talk about the wider impact it has.

What sort of amount do you need for the deposit?
I wouldn't donate, and would feel it was a bit cheeky to ask. I have more than one friend for whom they would have as good reasons to ask.

But what people are saying here that they might give a £5,£10... That means you need more than 100 people to get £1000.
Realistically you'd be unlikely to raise enough money, and are potentially going to alienate a certain number of friends who feel you are being cheeky.

I wouldn't donate for this not even for a friend.

Do the hospital you go to not offer free accommodation to parents? Our local you can stay in child's room on camp bed or in bigger city there's the Ronald McDonald house. Are you getting all benefits to?

The other thing is, and I don't want to minimise your situation, but we all know more than one person who is struggling with various things. Where does it end? I give you £50 so I feel obliged to give the same amount to Tom, Dick and Harry because I know they all saw that I donated to you.

Why dont you fund raise for hospital stays and then it won't stop you saving to buy a house. Its an lower easier target and you can see how it goes once before doing a fresh push for the next stay.

I sleep by DS's bedside but I can't work while he's in as it's so far, we need extra childcare for the other children as where it's so often DH can't take it as leave from work, plus DS1 has disordered eating so he doesn't eat hospital food and he's malnourished as it is, gaining weight is a huge part of his medical regime and then once you've factored in feeding myself we're paying over £1.5k a time for a 2 weeks stay which because we don't have adequate housing we're having to do every 6-8weeks and have been for the last several years. When he's not in hospital any 'spare' money we have had to be saved to cover the times he is in, his condition is so variable and sometimes a 2 weeks stay might turn into an much longer stay, it's not predictable.

We're not eligible for any benefit apart from DLA which we get.

It's an interesting bunch of answers. I don't know anyone wealthy who I can see donating more than £5-£10 so I don't think it's viable anyway, I'm at the strange where insomnia is making me think of any way at all we can move to somewhere appropriate.
I'm hoping to speak to the GP to give me something to help me calm down for a while because the anxiety is getting me.

I thought about that @ZenNudist but they're so frequent it seems somehow cheekier to ask for people to contribute to something that's ongoing and never ending with no tangible solution.

I think I'm fairly decided though that I will firmly tell the people suggesting the crowd funding that I'm not comfortable with it. Thanks for all the responses, you've all been very helpful.

I wouldn't donate for someone to buy a house in a preferred area when they may be able to get a cheaper house elsewhere, the same size. So you looking for a house near your family at a cost of £275k would not encourage me to donate if a similar house could be sourced in a different area. Sorry.

No need to be sorry, I was after honest opinions.
The area thing is for family support but I do get what you mean.
There are millions of people struggling in accommodation that doesn't suit their needs and if all of them crowdfunded it would be a nightmare!

Can’t you move back home and apply for housing

You’d get help with childcare and find work go on the housing list etc?

Seems you could get more help as a lone parent

Can your family lend you the money?

Back home?

I don't have a home ... I have 2 siblings. They are my only family. Neither are in a position to help financially, they are in a position to help practically and general support if I were closer.

DH's family aren't in a position to help with anything at all and are even further away.

I've sat round meeting and meeting with every member of the health team, school, social worker, mental health team, etc etc and there are no solutions unfortunately, we'll have to keep doing what we're doing and making the hospital trips.