Would you donate to something like this for a friend?

[CatchTwenty2]

Just to state - this isn't me asking, I haven't set this up. I wouldn't canvas Mumsnet for donations. It's a question because it's been suggested and I don't think I'm comfortable with it.

Our situation -

DH and I - He works full time and is well paid, I work 2 part time jobs on a bank basis and don't earn a lot at all - I cannot get a full time job because often I will have to be away from home with DS1.

DS1 has a life limiting illness, there is no cure and he will eventually require a transplant, he spends 2-3 weeks in hospital every 6 weeks, this is a hospital 2 hours away from home. He has such a huge amount of medical equipment, medication gets delivered by the pallet load.

DS2 - 12
DS 3 - 6
DD1 - 5

Currently we're in a tiny 3 bed housing association property. DH and I have to sleep downstairs in the living room, we have a tiny garden that we use a lot for time out (relaxation rather than punishment) and DS1 spends time out there doing treatments when he can.

With the support of the health team surrounding us we approached the council to see if we could seek alternative social housing, I am really keen to move close to my family as where I am I have no friends of family or support apart from DH, I find this very isolating and it's impacting my MH with the extra stresses I have if DS1's health.

We cannot seek private rent, we need somewhere secure and adaptable, DS's OT has recommended several adaptations for him to future proof the house.

We were offered an extension on our current place but it would have halved the already too small living area and taken away the whole garden, the hospital and the OT strongly advised against it. Plus it would take several months to build and DS would have no where to live while it took place.
It also works on a grant basis so would be left to us to organise which pushed me over the edge with my MH and I spent a while unable to manage day to day life. I'm getting better again now.

We have looked extensively into swapping the property and haven't had any luck, this isn't a desirable area.
The council have come back and said because our income is too high we cannot go back on the housing list so we're stuck.

I am trained to carry out DS's treatments at home but his hospital team won't allow this because there isn't a designated area that can be kept clean to hospital standards.

We have looked into mortgages as stated Dah earns well and we could afford mortgage repayments but not the deposit, everytime we save anything tiny it goes into DS's hospital stays. We stick to a family budget and don't have any luxuries at all. The only holiday we've had was donated by a charity and we don't drink alcohol/smoke/have sky etc etc.

Several people have floated the idea that a Gofundme to raise the money for a 5% house deposit would be a good idea but I'm not sure if it's a really cheeky thing to do.

So would you donate to someone who set up something like this in our circumstances?

No I wouldn't donate for someone to buy a house around £275,000. But i would donate to hospital stays.

We give to various charities for people and animals but you do not meet our criteria for donating.

I do hope that your circumstances improve.

£1.5 k for 2 weeks worth for food for you and wrap round care for the older kids? And extra days for 3 yo? That's extortionate! The parents room at hospital near us has microwave and fridge can you find out if you can have access to this? Also speak to HV to maybe see about getting funded place for 3 yo?

Have you had support from children disabilities social services? I’d be asking for a new assessment- if your housing is directly negatively impacting on your child’s and your health then the housing authority should be able to waive the salary bar.

We get support from everyone we can and are eligible for.

This has been very valuable thankyou for all your replies, it was a silly notion that stuck in my head after someone at DH's work mentioned it and then someone else also did. We won't be setting anything like this up. It's our issue to deal with and we will manage as we are.

I'm going to hide this now and go back to my usual MN name so it doesn't play on my already fragile mind, I might come back to it when I'm feeling more myself.

Thanks again for the honest replies and opinions.

I would donate. I'm shocked at £1500 for two weeks, most people would struggle to afford that.

I wouldn't at all. I would get the extension in your situation, many people don't have much garden.

I know you said you are going to hide now but I hope you still keep a check on people's responses here
I wouldn't donated for a house either , I would do for the hospital visit but I would only be able to donate once or twice maybe £10 each time so it would just be a drop in the ocean really.
Have you thought about approaching local businesses to see if they were willing to set up some kind of sponsorship my local Tesco did this and raised money for a child needing a eletric wheel chair .
Or perhaps if you've got a local small football club Cricket Club etc they would be willing to donate some money.
Which ever one of thouse you pick you should ask them to donate money towards your DSs Hospital care not for a house the money you save my hospital trips can then be put to one side for the house

How are you not eligible for accommodation whilst he is in hospital, say via Ronald McDonald House?

I would. Sorry but too hot to read the full three but do you get all the benefits you are entitled too. Having to pay out money when Ds is in hospital does not sound fair.

I peeked back in and wanted to clear up few things, I don't want people to think I've not been researching and just wasting money.

The figure I gave for when we're in hospital is a cost as much as an overall loss - at least £1k of it is the money I won't have in my wages that month from not working - the childcare is 10 days extra wrap around care for DS2 and 10 days extra after nursery care for DD and then food for me and DS1, the food is the smallest expense.

Accommodation isn't the issue, I have a bed in DS's room, you only get parent accommodation upstairs of your child is in PICU or if you have to bring a baby with you. Even then it's a communal kitchenette and they have a huge problem with food being stolen so as it stands I walk to Waitrose everyday and buy a ready meal at lunchtime - it's the only meal I eat all day to keep costs down.
DS1 however has huge psychological issues around food after being pressured for years by Drs to eat more and more and gain weight, we're finally at a place where he will eat again but he is very fussy and will only eat one type of food for days on end, this could be something cheap and easy like beaked beans or something more costly like mcDonalds burgers - there's no option to tell him that he eats what he's given or goes hungry, his weight is directly tied to his health.

There is no help available for us, every charity I've tried has said that we earn above the threshold / most places use the Joseph Rowntree method of means testing. I have reached out many times and our family link worker has researched it. We're very prod people and would never ask friends and family for money if there were alternatives out there.

The garden thing - we're not, not accepting the extension due to the garden, the occupational therapist has declared the extension isn't viable, the whole lay out of the house would change significantly so there wouldn't be room inside anymore for physio therapy, for DS to negotiate travelling around with several pumps and oxygen attached, again, were not declining because it's not ideal.

The location thing - yes a house in another area would be cheaper but the point of this move is to be closer to my family as currently we have no support.

I just wanted all this cleared up - I'm still not going to start a gofundme, I would feel far too uncomfortable about it. Thanks again for the replies.

I would go back to the council with what the OT said, OP.

I wouldn't donate. Not least because a 90% mortgage on £275k house would be a lot of money monthly, and likely significantly more than you pay in social rent currently. So if you can afford that, then you can afford to save the deposit. Or, more likely, you can't afford it anyway, and it would not really be helping you - you are likely more secure in social housing than in a mortgaged house you can't really afford.

I would revisit the extension idea. It might well be that the OT sensed that you don't want an extension, and was supporting you in the hope that it would lend weight to a request to the council to rehome you instead. I would talk to the OT again, and the council. It might be possible that

1. The council will waive the income bar and rehome you in a more suitable place
2. The OT might work with you to find a way to make space for PT in the planned extension
3. The extension plans could be amended (e.g made bigger so that you have no garden, but sufficient inside space for PT etc) so that they suit your needs better

I think you are in a difficult situation, but I'm not convinced that adding the responsibility of home ownership and a large debt to your life is going to help much at all.

Just to revisit my earlier point the housing authority will reconsider in most cases if pushed to. You could even argue that because your current accommodation is resulting in your son having more time in hospital that it is unreasonable and you are homeless. Take so me advice from Shelter.

Why cant you rent a bigger house closer to hospital?