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Original poster

I'm stuck in a Spanish hospital with DM and think I have reached my breaking point

26 replies

drivinmecrazy · 29/06/2019 06:46

Good morning. My DM had an operation on her spine 3 days ago. Here in spain it is normal (expected) to have someone with you to provide some basic care even, if like us, you are in private hospital)
Have just spent second night with no sleep, maonly due to DM snoring and making all kinds of sounds. I'm at the end of my, admittedly, short tether.
Making matrees worse is they took her catheter out last night so needs to use a bed pan. Instead of ringing tge bell DM has been waiting til last minute so I've had to it. Three times last night. This was not part of the deal. She's supposed to have assistance cos she's still hasn't got out of bed post op. This is also an issue cos surgeon said she had to get out of bed yesterday but nurses don't seem to want to. Again can't just get out or bed herself cos she's had major surgery.
Another HUGE issue is language barrier. DM is quite capable in Spanish but is struggling because of the pain Meds to understand. My Spanish is tiny (I don't live here but she only has me and my brother and he's a useless shit whose sole contribution has been one text). She has an interpretor for medical stuff but doesn't want to 'bother him" on a Saturday. She pays him a monthly retainer for his services and he's wonderful.
I'm going bat shit crazy as I type this cos she's snoring like a banshee and when she wakes she will go on a bit more about how she hasn't slept for days!!!
Finally there's tge feeding. I should preface this by explaining I do get majorly, hugely, incredibly wound up by certain sounds and eating (particularly DM and my DH). Cos she is still having to lie practically flat I am having to feed her. That alone is too much to bear.
Not sure what I want from writing this rearly. Just wanted to put it all down, maybe to use in mitigation in my murder trial!!!
To top it all wifi is bloody awful here.
Can it get any worse? Probably cos she hates the coffee and they'll be bringing her a cup soon Confused

OP posts:
imsorryiasked · 29/06/2019 06:52

Didn't want to read and run, but no advice other than you definitely need to call the interpreter and sort out the medical issues.

Hope things improve Flowers

Windygate · 29/06/2019 06:52

Surely it isn't expected that a family member provides 24/7 care to the detriment of their own health? I'd be tempted to record the snoring to prove how awful it is. Go back to your DM's place get some sleep and a shower. Pop back later but go back to her place to sleep, your no good to DM if your exhausted Thanks

Ofitck · 29/06/2019 06:57

Sounds awful op. I live in Spain and you are most certainly not expected to take care of family instead of nurses. In fact the care we’ve received in Spanish state hospitals has been amazing. They might be taking advantage of you a little bit, encouraged by your mum not wanting to bother people. Call the interpreter

Littlegoth · 29/06/2019 06:58

I’ve been in hospital in Spain and this is exactly my experience. I was with a male relative and the expectation was that family look after you - bed pans and all. Nurses there are not like nurses here!

It’s very difficult and you have my sympathy. Are you in a position to hire assistance?

Littlegoth · 29/06/2019 06:59

Forgot to say - my experience was of a private hospital too.

TitianaTitsling · 29/06/2019 07:00

Are you in a private or state funded hospital? As far as l know from when we've had patients transferred to us, in the state hospitals it is down to family to do most of the basic care tasks from what family and the patient have said. But if private am sure this is to be done by staff.

AJPTaylor · 29/06/2019 07:08

Genuinely. What happens if you don't have family? Can you pay extra for personal care?

Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 29/06/2019 07:12

I think main problem is my Mother. We're an hour away from the house so not practical to go back. We were intending that I go back tonight and come back tomorrow but when she won't even ask for help that's impossible for me to do.
One of her friends was going to come this weekend to see mum and we were going to go out for a few hours but now she says she doesn't want to bother anyone.
We've had great experiences at this hospital before (her 3rd op) but she's usually been able to do the basics like feed herself and use the loo by now.
It's just so frustrating. I know if I ask my brother will ring her but equally I know she'll tell him everything is fine.
Definitely more of a problem with her than the hospital.
We'd always agreed she doesn't want me to do the 'pee pee' stuff.
I just don't know what to do.
Am going to give her friend a call and hope she can come and diffuse the situation a little. Her spanish is pretty good so that'll be helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 29/06/2019 07:14

To answer can she afford extra care, yes she can. Will she? Nope.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 29/06/2019 07:28

Well there's the rub OP, why would she have to pay when she has you at her beck and call?!

Butterymuffin · 29/06/2019 07:34

If you go for a few hours at least, she'll have to ask for help or pay for it. Harsh but that is what it will come to.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 29/06/2019 07:34

YAabsofucklinglutelyNBU on the eating sounds alone. That is enough to send anyone over the edge. My sympathies.

imsorryiasked · 29/06/2019 07:34

Go back to the house OP, get some sleep.
Your DM will have to ask for help if you're not there.

Longdistance · 29/06/2019 07:36

Bugger that. Just go to her house and rest up. I love my mum, but not a chance in hell that I’d stay overnight.
Why is she not getting out of the bed? Was the op not successful?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 29/06/2019 07:37

Have you clearly (and as calmly as possible) explained how you are struggling to manage some of her needs? Maybe write it down first and come up with suggestions for paid care / help needed etc.

My family do this too - hate to bother strangers, even when it is their paid job to do something, but are apparently fine if this means that their loved ones get all the stress instead.

Also when the interpreter comes can you have a chat with him about realistic expectations of the hospital? A private hospital where you are doing the bed pans sounds crazy.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 29/06/2019 07:38

Agree about going home overnight. The nurses will find a way, as a.bedpan is easier to manage than a bed change...

funmummy48 · 29/06/2019 07:45

I think you should just go back to the house tonight & get some sleep. If you weren't there someone would have to help your mum. So long as you're there doing it all you're allowing the situation to go on. I mean that kindly. You sound like you've more than done your bit and you need a rest! 💐

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/06/2019 07:53

Idk about Spanish hospital. Why can’t your brother help? It isn’t for wee related stuff. He can feed her and ask for the bed pan to come.

summerishereatlast · 29/06/2019 07:53

I would go and get some sleep and take the afternoon off. She can manage with the usual nurses, and can call a friend for company.
You are over tired, over stretched and in dire need of a break. You’ll feel much better for it.

summerishereatlast · 29/06/2019 07:54

I have been in a Spanish hospital alone for a week, it was fine, I am still here to tell the tale! 😄

AnyOldPrion · 29/06/2019 08:26

We were intending that I go back tonight and come back tomorrow but when she won't even ask for help that's impossible for me to do.

Hugs OP.

I think the lack of sleep might mean you are no longer able to think clearly. While you are there, she will use you. Remove yourself and she will begin to take responsibility for herself.

If it was agreed that you would go away overnight, then go. She’ll cope.

Starfish28 · 29/06/2019 08:27

Call the interpreter and get him in to discuss care needs. Tell your mother you are too tired and are going home. Go and sleep for at least 5 hours. She will have to use her bell

OhFanPolyeo · 29/06/2019 08:28

I live in Spain. We use the state system CAP (like the NHS in England) and it's amazing. I've had operations here and the doctors and nurses are fantastic. What you are describing sounds nothing like what we've experienced. You need to get the translator in asap to find out exactly what's going on.

MsJaneAusten · 29/06/2019 08:35

It’s really interesting hearing the different experiences of Spanish hospitals. I was admitted for emergency surgery on holiday and my then boyfriend was expected to do a lot of the personal care (helping me to bathroom, helping with food etc). The nurses did all of the medical side (obviously) but less of the personal stuff.

He went back to a hotel every night though and the nurses always responded to the buzzer if I needed them.

You should definitely pop out for a few hours today for a walk/ coffee to reassure yourself she’s ok without you, then go to her house tonight for a proper sleep. They WILL look after her.

LadyPoldark · 29/06/2019 09:05

She may not want to 'bother' people , but you most certainly need to. It's not fair and it's not healthy to be so sleep deprived you can't function , soon you will be no help anyway as you will be totally burnt out. Tell your mom you are cracking up and need to leave for a few hours and ask her who she wants to contact.

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