Can anyone help me word this message please *trigger warning*

[Bentley111]

A really good friend of mine lost a baby in Feb 2 weeks before her wedding day & I know she’s been unsuccessfully trying since. I've had two mc's and she leant heavily on me for support.

I'm now 12+2 and starting to break the news to friends. She’s a lovely girl and I know she’ll be thrilled for us but I’ve been a crap friend and have completely put off telling her. I want to message her before DH and I
a. announce on Facebook this eve and
b. I see her next weekend for my best friends birthday.

Can anyone help me word a message? I’ve been staring at a blank screen for half an hour with no idea how to put it.

Tbh I'd call her and tell her instead of messaging. Am sure she'll be thrilled.

I would put something similar to what you've written. Be honest with her. Tell her it is okay if she doesn't want to be around you right now you understand the pain she is feeling etc. Don't walk on egg shells or try and hide it, just be straight with her.

I’d just message saying you’re pregnant, due in feb. Factual, nothing else. Don’t say you know she’ll get upset. It makes it even worse to be reminded people know that you can’t even react normally to happy news

She’ll appreciate being told by text so she can react badly if she needs to before being able to find congratulations.

You sound like a lovely friend.

Tbh I'd call her and tell her instead of messaging

Please don’t do this. It’s awful to be put on the spot and have to find a happy response.

I've been your friend. Please text rather than ring so that she can compose herself before she sees you

Should have also added it's lovely that you are being so considerate to her

Thank you all, I definitely will text, I'd hate to put her on the spot.

It's just so hard to construct a message that I'm so conscious will hurt her.

I had a similar situation, I decided to send a message as thought gives more time to process and form a reaction. I said something like ‘I wasn’t sure of the best way to tell you as I have found this hard to hear from other people, but I wanted to let you know that I am pregnant due in month’

can’t remember what else I said, but it is tricky. Hope it goes ok x

Please don't text her! As someone with fertility issues, being told over text seems pretty shitty to me. I do appreciate the idea that it gives her time to respond rather than over phone or face-to-face which puts her on the spot but having been told via text myself, I found it a bit crass.

I think I was more upset than I would have been had it been face to face. Or even phone. It felt like a lazy get-out to me. It felt like "guess what, I'm pregnant, I'll leave that with you to ruin your Friday night".

With much respect, nrps advice is awful. Who's she to assume and say "she'll be thrilled".

I agree with telling via text message or email.

Hi Ann - Hope you're doing well. I have some news to share and I wanted to tell you first before announcing it to everyone else via Facebook etc. later today. I am 12 weeks pregnant, due x date. I felt you might appreciate hearing it directly from me vs via the grapevine. Please God all will go well for us. Looking forward to catching up at Jane's birthday next week.

Would something like that work?

I am so sorry for your previous losses, and I'm sorry for what your friend has been through too. It happens to too many of us.

But congratulations on your pregnancy-its wonderful news.

I found myself in this situation a few months ago. I had put off telling my friend as I didnt know how to do it.

I decided to do it over a message so that she wouldn't have to feel like she had to put on a brave face or anything if she did find it hard to hear.

I wrote something along the lines of....
I have some news I really wanted to share with u, and wasnt sure whether to tell u in person or over a message, not because I didnt think you would be happy for us, but just because I know news like this can cause mixed emotions. But I wanted to tell you that we are expecting again, and I really wanted you to hear it from me. I also wanted you to know that this doesn't change anything, and I am still totally here for you to talk about absolutely anything. I hope we can catch up soon.

I agonized over what to put in a message but you will find the right words for your friend. I am sure she will be so happy for you.

Congratulations again.

Tbh I'd call her and tell her instead of messaging

Whenever people come out with this I always presume they're under the impression it's the best approach because it's always gone well whenever they've done it, not realising the person on the other end might have been desperately rallying.

So sorry to hear of everyone's losses too - it is heart wrenching - and it is upsetting knowing that I'm going to hurt my friend.

@Cassort and @Waffle12 they are both perfect, thank you very much.. exactly what I wanted to say.

I like @Cassort's idea but I would take out the 'please God' sentence. Not because I'm not religious but it just reads a bit 'off' to me.

Please God is probably an Irish thing which we put into a lot of sayings/sentences, so probably doesn't translate well to be fair.

Another one to say message is the best way. I think it helps that you have been there so are wanting to be sensitive.

Yeah I had similar, was finally pregnant after long term TTC but had two friends who had had awful losses (late on). I messaged them to say I was pregnant, I would be announcing at x time and understood if they needed some space after finding out. I would do similar messages to PP but definitely avoid the ‘Please God all will go well for us’ because there’s an underlying implication that your friend’s pregnancy might have been okay if she’d prayed!

@QuimReaper not at all, I just think some things are better said in person either face to face if possible or on the telephone. I do appreciate that ops friend might not be delighted for her. Maybe I'm strange in that I prefer verbal communication.

@nrpmum hear hear

Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐

I'd also say message rather than call, nothing worse than having to pretend to be thrilled on the phone. I lost a baby a couple of weeks before my wedding too, a few weeks later a friend announced their pregnancy on fb and the due date was a couple of days from what mine would have been. She had no idea about my loss so I don't blame her at all but it was very painful at the time. I'd also maybe set the facebook announcement so she can't see it?

nrp Would you honestly prefer to hear difficult news in person, or do you just prefer to deliver it in person? Putting yourself in the friend's shoes, if you received this news and your first (understandable) instinct was to burst into tears would you just go ahead and do it and cry about your own loss? Or would you desperately try and slap a smile on your face and congratulate your friend on her happy news?

There’s something I need to tell you. I thought it would be better to message rather than tell you face to face so that you don’t feel pressured to act pleased if it actually upsets you. I’m xx weeks pregnant. I was going to start telling people soon and didn’t want you to hear it second-hand.

TBH though and I know it's beside the point, but why on earth are you announcing it on Facebook?
I can't identify with feeling sad about pregnancy announcements, but engagement announcements and such piss me off, so I can identify with the sentiment I suppose.

It's such a personal thing - surely you'd want to tell people individually rather than a GLOBAL announcement to your 700 friends, 692 of whom you haven't seen in donkeys years?

As for the 'Please God' statement which has been picked up on twice - Irish people don't tend to like tempting fate. We particularly have a lot of traditions/superstitions around pregnancy - e.g., not bringing anything bought for the baby into the home until the baby has been born. It's not terribly religious, it's just an Irish thing I think, where you're acknowledging that if it's God's will/fate, then things will hopefully go well.

My younger cousin lost her first baby to stillbirth. She had spent the months previous setting up the nursery, cot, furniture, clothes ironed and hung up and everything ready. Her Mum then had to come and clear it all out for her after the baby died as she couldn't bear to. I don't think it's superstition necessarily as maybe years and generations of experience where things can go wrong. For that reason, if ever I'm announcing something good something happening to me, I always put 'please God' or 'God willing' at the end. It's just a curious Irish way of acknowledging that you're at the mercy of fate and not wanting to count your chickens before they're hatched.

What would mean the most to me would not be how the message was delivered or by what means it was delivered, but that I was valued enough as a friend, given our shared experiences, that you have the decency to tell me before I found out from someone else.