WWYD next door neighbour died

[goldangel]

Hi
Our next door neighbour died yesterday, he was in his 70's, his partner is now alone. Son is with her. We've been neighbours over 10 years and they have watched our dc grow up. It's incredibly sad. It's the first death our dc have experienced of someone they know personally.

I'm wondering if I should turn up with some food or something or just give them space.

Any thoughts on what's best to do?

Thanks

Flowers, card through the letterbox today in the immediate aftermath. Tomorrow - knock on to door and ask if you can do anything to help?

I would pop round with something

Maybe pop round with a card and flowers and tell her to let you know if she needs anything

I would go round, if you are on more than nodding terms.

I'm always wary of offering help in these situations. While I would be happy to offer short term assistance I wouldn't want the family to think 'needs is next door anyway' and shirk their own responsibility, especially if they don't live close by. Don't start cooking for them unless it's something you would be happy to keep doing. There are far too many threads on Mumsnet where people offer help and get absolutely tied in to something they never wanted and can't seem to break away from. I'm not judging your neighbour, but be cautious of offering help. She has her family.

I would say a card and flowers.

Just a card expressing sympathy. Flowers are a nuisance to look after.

Offer what practical help you can see is needed. Does the bereaved spouse drive, will they need a lift to the funeral directors? Do you have knowledge of how to put affairs in order that they might not have and could signpost them? Could you offer to help ring people to let them know about the death and when the funeral is, or arrange catering or village hall hire? If you are able to, just giving your time once every few days for a coffee and chat - whatever the bereaved person feels like talking about - can be a great support. Would you offer to do a reading at the funeral perhaps? Offer a hug, even if you've never hugged before, it can be very supportive.

Try to avoid offering "whatever you need" or anything vague, but instead offer specific things. It's often too overwhelming to take people up on a vague offer, they worry that you didn't really mean it, or that the level of inconvenience to you that you offered is lower than what they would like to take you up on. Specific offers are more likely to be taken up. My mum had an uncle who, back in the day, would go around and take everybody's smart shoes to polish up for the funeral. He couldn't offer much more, but that was one less thing they had to worry about doing. It seems very old fashioned to offer something like that these days, but the equivalent would be nice.

I wouldn't take flowers, they're just another task

When my mum died recently the family next door to my parents put cards through the door. The children (aged about 5 and 7 maybe) made cards for my dad and he was so so touched. They also made sure my sister and I had their numbers if we needed anything. My dad has really benefited from the kindness of all his neighbours. Also do go to the funeral if you can.

My mum was very moved by flowers when my dad died. I would take them in a vase to make it easier. I'd ask about a meal - I do think people are very grateful when it's such a tough time. There's such a lot to do after a death that I'm sure it'll be a relief for them to know that they don't have to cook.

I was in your neighbours position 12 months ago. It was lovely to get a card and to know that people cared. A few sent me flowers but, tbh, they were a bit overwhelming.

So a card and maybe invite her for tea/coffee in the future. That is honestly enough.

A card & maybe some flowers.

My Dad had a really good relationship with his ndn. He died at home & we had to go & wait for the undertakers. His ndn & her 2 dc came out (we were sat in the car on the drive) & gave me a card & bunch of daffodils. Her ds, was only 8 & he told me how much he’d liked my Dad & how much he would miss him. I can’t describe how it made me feel really (4 hours previously my life had been ‘normal’) but it was a good emotion. He also wrote a lovely message in the card.

Drop around a dinner and a card for them. It's a real struggle to shop/ cook for yourself during a bereavement but you always feel you should eat something. I usually do a pot of stew for neighbours as that's something that lasts a few days, is easy to reheat (and tastes better the day after) and you can eat it with a bit of bread or potatoes, so no need to plan a shopping trip for the meal.

Card and flowers.
If your good at baking then some cakes or something.
In the immediate aftermath of a death. People generally have lots of visitors. And baking is so much appreciated.

I think it's lovely to pop around with a stew and a card.
It is such a struggle to just function when you are bereaved and grieving, just to know people are there to help (even if they choose not to utilise it) is a massive help.

I also think if you have the time, it's good to pop in after a month and then after 6 weeks as this is when the visitors stop coming and it will start to be real life that they are alone, that will be hard hitting for them.

Food is incredibly helpful. I was so grateful to the people who made us food after a death. Just having something ready that didn’t need to be thought about was one stress out of the way. Something that will keep for a day or two refrigerated.
Or a cake is good as you get a lot of callers, plus the undertakers, and it is nice to have something to offer.

Thank you all for your replies, very helpful and some great points to take on board. I think I’ll avoid the the flowers, they were supposed to get married yesterday and I took in quite a few deliveries of flowers for them.

I’ll get a card through the letter box and drop round some cakes tomorrow. Not great at making stews, might do a lasagna.

DH and I will definitely go to the funeral. My DC 13 & 10 made a card for her after I broke the news to them.

Sorry to egg & hollow 😢

Maybe your DCs could draw some flowers? That would be touching and show you/they care without giving your NDN even more flowers than they already will get (and have to care for / find a place to put). I guess the trick with popping round is trying to communicate that you're thinking of them, and are willing to help out, but without making them feel the need to invite you in for a chat (unless they want to of course!)

Please go and see her. I lost my beloved grandad recently and am living in another country, it would mean the world to me if I knew people were visiting my granny. In fact, one of my friends who didn’t really know her or him took her out for a coffee the other morning and I cried and cried with gratitude. Xxx

sorry x-post!

A friend lost her husband last year & we had a conversation about this a few weeks ago.

She said lots of people said 'let me know if there's anything I can do' which was lovely, but just put the onus back onto my friend to ask them for stuff. She said she really appreciated it when someone just turned up with food, or to say get the girls I'll take them to school for you etc.

If you leave it with them to ask it's just another job for them to do & they probably won't like to ask for help.

They were due to get married? What an awful shock. I would agree with offering to do something specific rather than a vague "anything we can do to help". How often does the family visit? They will probably get a lot of support up to the funeral and then it will be harder for them. If he mowed the lawn she might appreciate you mowing for her before the funeral to make the house look smart. Offering to pick up some shopping or other practical help that is time-consuming to do when you're trying to organise a funeral etc. It also gives her the idea of what you're happy to do, rather than her asking you to do X which you might not be able or willing to do.

I think just maybe go round with a card and some flowers, or put a card through the door. People were lovely when my dad died but I'd have been really pissed off (inwardly) if someone brought food, and would rather have a nice takeaway than someone else's half-arsed cooking. I'd ask them if they actually want any food or any shopping bringing first before popping round with it.

It must have been a real shock to the partner. See if they have people already to help them, they probably won't need anything from a neighbour. People were so lovely but the hardest thing for me was speaking to people who knew me when out and about, as their kindness was likely to set me off crying.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and sharing your experiences, all very helpful. I will definitely be more specific in what support I can offer, her family aren’t that close by.

Sorry to all that have lost loved ones 💐