No idea how to handle this... other people's children

[MythicalBiologicalFennel]

Being deliberately vague.

We are having trouble with a new friend of DC2 (4). New friend (NF) is 5, lives nearby and is able to access our garden freely. DC2 and NF generally play well and DC2 looks forward to playing with NF. However since they started having informal playdates we have had issues:

NF has hit and pushed DC2 a couple of times. DC2 only told me when they fell on the floor after being pushed and hurt themselves. Then DC1 told me NF had punched DC1 the day before.

NF has thrown sand at our neighbours when they were having a barbecue

NF has hidden important things in our house. We had to get NF's mum and NF walked triumphantly into our house saying "do you want me to tell you where I have put xyz?"

NF has emptied the sandpit into the grass so we are going to have to buy more sand. Our sandpit is fixed so this has taken a sustained, concerted effort.

NF has broken some of DC1's toys - squishies pulled apart so no accident

NF has drawn on walls - not a little bit, an area of 3ft by 3ft on two different walls. It's not coming off so we will have to paint both walls.

NF doesn't listen when they are told to do or not do something - keep your voice down (shrieking upsetting DC1 who struggles with noise), get off dangerous broken fence etc.

Now we have had a lot of playdates with both my DC and I have never seen anyone who is so destructive on purpose. We have had boisterous children, clumsy children, careless children... but this is different, there is a defiance here. I am not being precious - my children are no angels and I have written on here before about my DC1 serious behaviour issues.

My question is, how would you handle this? NF can access our back garden at will and with the warm weather I keep the back door open so it's very difficult to keep NF out of the house. Sometimes I have told NF it's time to go home - NF runs away from me and I have to hold NF's hand and march them to their house very firmly. If I tell NF that they are not allowed to play in the house or upstairs I will have a fight in my hands. Basically I cannot stop NF from coming into my garden or house without putting up a fence or creating some awkwardness.

Worst thing is, NF's parents are absolutely lovely. They heard about the hitting and pushing and were horrified and disciplined NF. If I tell them about everything else they will be mortified. We live in a small community so I don't want to create any awkwardness.

Any advice? I am hoping someone has been there before and handled it beautifully TIA

PS if you are NF's mum reading this I am sorry! You are lovely but I need help dealing with this!

Go to NF mum and have a chat about it. If she is lovely as you say she will want to know.

I would talk to NF parents & also put up a fence and gate!

Lock the gate. Lock the back door and open a window. Don’t let NF in your house ever again. If NF comes over, chase them away - don’t march them home, just say go away - it’s not your problem if they don’t go home.

I agree you need to go for a coffee with the mum and discuss. I would say you are a saint for putting up with all this! You need a plan going forwards though and hopefully you can tackle it together (as it sounds like you’d prefer not to just ban the little bastard)

Put up a fence. He comes over by invitation only.

Argh the parents are likely to offer to pay for paint or DC1's broken toys 🙈

How is a 5 yo able to access your garden freely? They shouldn’t be able to wander off from their own house at will! Every time they come over you need to take them back kindly but firmly. Or call the parents to come and get NF. Say you can’t supervise a child without being asked if it’s ok.

I'm with @Orizontal on this- why are the parents letting a 5 year old wander into your garden?

I would have marched the child back home after each of these incidents. I would rectify the garden situation now as well-the only people with free access to your garden. Should be you!

I bet the parents know full well what nf is like ,and they are probably relived for the peace when nf is at your house.
Otherwise they would think ...oh heck I’ve lost nf ...better get her/him back..
But they don’t come looking for their missing child do they op???
Your being used as a free baby sitter
Bill them for all the damage .that will put a stop to the situation

some kids don't respond well to punishment but can respond to rewards. NF sounds like a bright kid, so can you give him a list of clear cut rules and a reward (even just more playtime tomorrow or a biscuit) if he sticks to them? if NF's mum agrees, so much the better.

Why on earth is there free access into your garden and therefore house? You need a fence!

Fence, gate, padlock, problem solved.

My DC2 can access their garden, too, but know not to do it without permission. It's hard to explain, it's a small community with a peculiar arrangement. A few of things happened today - I only found out about the toys and the wall today after NF left.

I have wondered if NF behaves like this in their own home! DC tell me their house is spotless. Ours is erm... lived in.

I checked and rechecked nf was 5. That's a little scary that th e y are letting a 5yo into another person's house op

It doesn’t sound right or normal to me that he can access your garden ‘freely’ - what if no one is in?
Surely he must ask/his parents if he can come over? They must know where he is?
I know it wasn’t the focus of your post but this would drive me bonkers as even the most perfectly behaved 4/5 year old needs supervision.
If your dc enjoys his company can you try to make it so they play at their house more?
If I were you I would put some ground rules in place about the visiting/play dates. You should feel you have a choice about it.
I would also try being quite clear with the child directly that if they break/destroy/hide/hit in your house they have to go home straight away and follow this through. Same goes for if they don’t leave nicely when asked - they won’t be able to come again.
If you like the mum could also take the angle that can she come over for a cuppa too as the kids are ‘getting up to mischief’

They're not lovely parents if they're letting a destructive and presumably very immature 5 year old wander in and out of other people's houses freely! I'm all for free range parenting, but to me this is a sign that maybe some more is going on, either they're neglectful or struggling to cope.

I'd sit down with them and have a chat. Also is a fence and option?

omg tell NF's parents!!

NF is 5 and is unsupervised going into other people's houses and gardens. a 5 yo shouldn't be randomly walking into people's homes without their parent knowing where they are, and therefore being held responsible if they're kids are naughty little bleepers.

You def need to close and lock the door to stop random people from walking into your home, hurting your kids and destroying your property

A fence is my preferred option but the boundary is complex and we would not have the money for it until the autumn at least.

Actually my preferred option would be to have no playdates at all ever. I am not naturally social but do them for the kids' sake I am going to have to bite the bullet and speak to them aren't I?

Interesting that everyone assumes that NF is a boy...

I'm imaging NF to be a nutty 5 year old girl!
But, again, clear boundaries-you don't need to be nice to her/him. Parents and child are taking advantage of you being nice, and it's making your own children's lives uncomfortable in their home.
For that alone, I'd be sending home with a message not to come back until she learns some manners!
It's your house OP, you don't need to take it!

Worst thing is, NF's parents are absolutely lovely.

But they have no idea where their 5-year-old is, or who’s supervising them.

They obviously don’t discipline their DC if they’re still letting this happen.

You need to make it really clear that you are only available for playdates by prior arrangement or formal request and their DC is bring a nuisance coming over uninvited.

Tell them about the sandpit. Empower your DC to come and tell you when something is being trashed.

I envisage nf to be a boundaryless gobby girl with a wealthy nice but dim mum (my kids school seem to be high on the intake of them). I'm of the view high fences make good neighbours. Or, from now on each damage/destruction etc shes frogmarched back home until you tell mum sorry but enough is enough , no more unsupervised play.

Why on earth aren't NF's parents frantic with worry when they don't know where NF is?

You have to let them know what's been going on. Surely you can simply say "I don't know whether NF is over-excited when they come to play at ours, but he/she simply doesn't listen to what I'm saying. Can do play dates on neutral grounds for a bit, with both us parents supervising?"

I’d be having none of that. As much as your child likes this NF(nasty fucker) I would be discouraging the friendship. Tell her parents everything she has destroyed and keep your door locked so she can’t invade your house. It’s not your job to set boundaries and give her rewards for complying with rules, that’s her parents job and as ‘lovely’ as they seem they’re fine letting others suffer their nightmare child.

Argh the parents are likely to offer to pay for paint or DC1's broken toys
That's good surely? It is a start at resolving the problem.