No idea how to handle this... other people's children

[MythicalBiologicalFennel]

Being deliberately vague.

We are having trouble with a new friend of DC2 (4). New friend (NF) is 5, lives nearby and is able to access our garden freely. DC2 and NF generally play well and DC2 looks forward to playing with NF. However since they started having informal playdates we have had issues:

NF has hit and pushed DC2 a couple of times. DC2 only told me when they fell on the floor after being pushed and hurt themselves. Then DC1 told me NF had punched DC1 the day before.

NF has thrown sand at our neighbours when they were having a barbecue

NF has hidden important things in our house. We had to get NF's mum and NF walked triumphantly into our house saying "do you want me to tell you where I have put xyz?"

NF has emptied the sandpit into the grass so we are going to have to buy more sand. Our sandpit is fixed so this has taken a sustained, concerted effort.

NF has broken some of DC1's toys - squishies pulled apart so no accident

NF has drawn on walls - not a little bit, an area of 3ft by 3ft on two different walls. It's not coming off so we will have to paint both walls.

NF doesn't listen when they are told to do or not do something - keep your voice down (shrieking upsetting DC1 who struggles with noise), get off dangerous broken fence etc.

Now we have had a lot of playdates with both my DC and I have never seen anyone who is so destructive on purpose. We have had boisterous children, clumsy children, careless children... but this is different, there is a defiance here. I am not being precious - my children are no angels and I have written on here before about my DC1 serious behaviour issues.

My question is, how would you handle this? NF can access our back garden at will and with the warm weather I keep the back door open so it's very difficult to keep NF out of the house. Sometimes I have told NF it's time to go home - NF runs away from me and I have to hold NF's hand and march them to their house very firmly. If I tell NF that they are not allowed to play in the house or upstairs I will have a fight in my hands. Basically I cannot stop NF from coming into my garden or house without putting up a fence or creating some awkwardness.

Worst thing is, NF's parents are absolutely lovely. They heard about the hitting and pushing and were horrified and disciplined NF. If I tell them about everything else they will be mortified. We live in a small community so I don't want to create any awkwardness.

Any advice? I am hoping someone has been there before and handled it beautifully TIA

PS if you are NF's mum reading this I am sorry! You are lovely but I need help dealing with this!

There's ways you can word this so that it isn't saying you find their 5 year old an utter horror and want rid of them. If they are decent people then hopefully they will be receptive.

Something like this (assuming you do still want to have the child round sometimes, obviously reword if you don't):

"I think we really need to set up a more formal arrangement for playdates. DC loves seeing little Laura, but the free-for-all coming straight into the garden thing seems to be setting a rather... chaotic... tone to the play sessions and I'm struggling a bit with the wildness of it. I think they're probably a little young for it to be this relaxed. We'd still love to see her, but let's do knocking on front doors with a parent to check it's OK first. Thanks so much for understanding"

NF probably is well behaved at home because he/she likely is an only child and monitored. However, unless the parents are completely clueless or the child is a sociopath, surely they know their child.

I assumed NF is a girl, as girls are “sneakier” at that age, hence, not getting caught in the act.

I’m not certain speaking to the parents is the best thing. I know if someone had told me those things about my children, even if true. I would have had some resentment. But I also wouldn’t have let them play with that child again, so that’s a potential in your favour. The only negative is you live in a small community so either way, you’ll run into the parents.

In your shoes, I’d just be watching my children like a hawk when NF is over, so there’s no opportunity to be mean or destructive.

Have a chat with the parents. Suggest play dates only when one of the parents is free to join whilst NF is going through this ‘challenging phase’. Be nice about it and suggest all the kids, not just theirs, are getting over excited with the wild informal play dates.

Film a few typical visits from the NF then pass them to the parents, say you'd be ever so grateful if they'd have a word with their offspring.