What are your conversation tips for a socially inept person

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I'm crap at small talk. And at initiating a conversation (at a party, wedding or conference for example). My mind just goes completely blank and I can't think of a single thing to say. And in the event of a conversation with a vaguely known/new person actually going well, I spend a good portion of it panicking about how I will gracefully end the conversation (because I'm crap at that too!)

I was supposed to be good at this by my age. I kinda thought once I got to a certain age I would just somehow know how to converse effortlessly, and that just hasn't happened (funnily enough!). Seems I might need to actually work on it.

There must be loads of you out there who are naturals at it, or even better, have learned how to. So, please give me your best tips on questions, topics, responses, openers, closers. Anything really that will help me improve my conversation skills.

I also need this info

Watching with interest, I’m the same OP

I would also like to know this.

Queenoftheashes I'm sure we are the majority! My hairdresser, of all people, said she feels like this too, and like most hairdressers she's bubbly and chatty and never seems stuck for a thing to say!

She didn't have any tips for me as she's had the same clients for years so knows all their lives inside out!

I tend to talk about the weather
I think the key is to ask the other person questions but I've no idea what or how (helpful!)

Ask people about themselves. Most people are happy to talk about themselves with prompting.

Eg how's work. Do you live near here. What are you doing this summer. That sort of things usually gets the ball rolling. Then you can ask interested questions depending on their answers. The key is to appear genuinely interested in them.

Also telling stories yourself is good. But if you're not good at conversations then this might be trickier so maybe better to get them to open up as per plan A.

The sort of stories I mean would be oh god I thought I was going to be late because not the way here xyz happened. Just general chit chat to make people relaxed.

I'm quite good at party chat/talking to strangers but I am fascinated by people so think it helps. Also not shy but I used to be!

Ooh I am a bit scared in case someone more socially ept comes along and says "These are crap", but here are some of mine:

Openers:
What have you been doing today?
How do you know hostess/host/bride & groom?
How did you travel here?
Have you tried the xxxxx yet?
[At a conference] what's your role/ what's been keeping you busy lately?

Closers:
I'm going to nip over for some food/ drink/ whatever. Can I get you anything? [9 times out of 10 they will say "no"; if they say "yes" you can bring them the stuff back and say "there you go" and clear off]
Can I introduce you to xxx?
Well, nice to meet you, see you later [big smile].

Responses - give a little bit about yourself and then ask another question.

Ask questions ( gently), then take care to notice what interests you in their answer, and ask about that, and it sort of opens up a channel of conversation.
It doesn’t work on me though as I hate being questioned and having to explain myself! Most people love talking about themselves, which can be a bit dull, but the art is to come back to that thread of interest, keep following that and things flow.

Depending on the situation, nature of the encounter etc, I ask either:
What's keeping you busy?
What's keeping you awake at night?
or Tell me your secrets, we don't have much time.

Compliment and listen and smile. Think about them not you. Listen properly.
I just love your shoes - That necklace is stunning.etc
Then make it about them.
How do you know Amanda and James?

Have you managed to get away yet this year?
Are you keeping up with the Tory leadership hustings?
Those flowers are beautiful, do you garden?
What do you do to fill your days?
Are you local?
Gosh it’s warm this evening- are you a winter or summer person?

Then to leave just suggest you join another group. “They look nice, shall we introduce ourselves?”
“I mustn’t stop you mingling. Good to talk”.
“Do you know Hugh? Let me introduce you”.

If you listen to their answers you can introduce them to someone they have something in common with.

I used to think of interesting conversation points but then forget them all in trying to focus. So then I started setting them as reminders in my phone, with the reminder tone/vibrate being the same as a message. So it looked like I was getting lots of texts and a few mins after each one I'd use it as the next conversation point when there was a break. It really helped me - as long as no one sees your phone and realises! Stagger then to go off randomly during the night so it's not too suspicious and don't immediately drop the conversation point once you've read it - take a few mins or wait for the next conversation break. It really works. Has my stamp of approval!! Helped me make friends at my youth group when I was a teenager and had no friends in school. Still friends with the people I met that year

I was crap at this and came across as aloof and stuck up when really I was shy and a bit blank!
I learnt from a friend of mine who was always animated, interested in people and engaged with people so well. This is what I picked up -

1. Smile a lot
2. Ask questions
3. Act like you’re genuinely interested in whatever youre discussing

I found that this becomes easier if you’re up to date on current affairs, travel and read a lot as you can engage with a lot more, more easily.

As for ending the conversation, try
‘Excuse me, I’ve just got to catch up with someone before they leave. Lovely to chat to you’
‘I’m just going to get a drink. Would you like one?’ Hopefully they say no!
Don’t feel bad about ending the conversation as they probably want to speak to other people too. That helped me to feel less guilty about it.

People love talking about themselves, just ask them questions about themselves and keep asking more
They'll walk away thinking you're brilliant

If you have to speak to them again you can ask them about something they mentioned and they'll love you even more.

I am an introvert, I hate talking to people but it's one of the biggest parts of my job.
Sometimes I have to make small talk for days at a time with the same people on conferences etc. My colleagues and I often remark how incredible it is that after 3 days our clients haven't noticed that we've only talked about them for 3 days and they don't know a single thing about us, or haven't even considered asking a question back.

If it's a dressy event then definitely comment on people's outfits and that can lead to very interesting shopping conversations! If someone has an unusual name ask where it came from (in a polite way). Go up to random people, introduce yourself, and if you don't feel like you fit in that particular group just excuse yourself to the bathroom.

Good luck. It's taken me years of really working on it but it's completely worth it in the end

Listen actively. And ask questions. Asking is easier than talking randomly.

Eg, how do you know x/y/z, where do you work, what do you like about your job, have you tried the fish etc.

And accept that there are moments of awkward. That’s normal.

I find this easy thankfully but I’m so nosey so I love a chit chat and people usually enjoy talking about themselves. In work if I don’t know the person I’ll usually say something like - aw another Monday, or aw glad it’s Friday and people will respond saying how their day/week is going. Then I might say any plans tonight/this weekend. Hope traffic isnt bad, do you have to travel far? If at a venue and I’m beside a stranger I’ll say something like - it’s nice in here or have you ever been here before? If it’s another female I’ll comment on their outfit/handbag/jewellery it all has to be genuine though. A conversation will easily flow if you say oh I love that necklace, where did you get it? If really stuck weather is a normal one.

At weddings I’ll make comments about the food - what are you having? What are you drinking? Do you know the bride or groom? Or I’ll say I know the bride/groom and tell a funny story.

In some situations if there is a link, I’ll say did you see any tv last night or did you watch (insert programme) that is similar to something we have chatted about. Like an example - If you saw a rainbow out the window I would say, I watch this programme about rainbows and then just go on about that...random example but you get the idea.

If it’s a visitor at work I’ll say are you from here, is this your first visit, ask them where they are staying and mention something interesting like aw if you like coffee there is a great coffee shop there, or how long have you worked at (insert company). They will usually waffle on. I can pick up vibes and if they aren’t interested in chatting I’ll leave it.

For exists I’ll close with aw better get back to (insert something), if it’s in the work kitchen I’ll say better get back to work, or I have a meeting in 5mins better go, or chat to you later, better get myself some water.

If you are relaxed and smile and don’t come across desperate it’s fine. I have started to get friendly with random people I work from simply being friendly and 10 times out of 10 people are really nice and love a chat too.

If they have children, ask about them, then say how wonderful they are? There is not a parent alive who does not like compliments about their children 🙃

Topics to try

Films
Tv shows
Weather
Holidays
Local area
Interests
Hobbies
Food
Work as in what job you do
Books
Art
Theatre
Places of interest you've been to recently

ask the person about the above

Steer clear of

Politics
Religion
Endless chat about kids / grandkids - anything too personal

Cautiously cover ( but don't exhaust the conversation with )
Pets
Family
House you live in

A good neutral start could be about the venue and if you / they have visited it before

The holy trinity of small talk:

1. Holidays (are you going away anywhere this summer?)
2. Films (have you seen anything good at the cinema lately?)
3. Transport (how did you get here?)

@LenoVentura Tell me your secrets, we don't have much time

Love this. I'm going to try this one out. I think the fun approach might work for me. Part of my problem is that I feel I'm supposed to be a sophisticated grown up like some Upper East Side WASP or Chelsea Sloane when really I'm a big kid pretending to be an adult.

@wellhonestly thanks. Great tips. I will try some of these out.

How do you know hostess/host/bride & groom? I tried this one at a wedding once and the person said 'I'm groom's auntie.' then I didn't know what to say next! It really knocked my confidence. In hindsight though, they said it in a close-the-conversation down kind of way, so maybe I need to get better at picking my targets first! I need more willing victims to experiment on!

@cherrypavlova

“I mustn’t stop you mingling. Good to talk” Great line, and about them as you and a few posters have said. I'm afraid I've been saying things of along the lines of 'must go mingle' which felt awkward to me. Now I think about it, it might come across as 'must go talk to someone more interesting!'

@blahblah88 AWESOME tip. I will definitely try that. Yay for technology!

@ZetaPuppis

I found that this becomes easier if you’re up to date on current affairs, travel and read a lot as you can engage with a lot more, more easily.

I knew a guy who watched TOWIE for the sole purpose of having a conversation topic for picking up girls but I never thought to extrapolate this out to more general situations of meeting people.