Help I hate driving :(

[Rubbishrubbish]

I had several lessons (20+) in a manual but I could not get it at all so I switched to an auto and am now six lessons in. I find it much easier than a manual but I still cannot get to grips with all the rules of the road. I panic and forget which way to indicate, I can't figure out who is supposed to give way to who, I am shite at gauging distance. I haven't even been on a dual carriageway yet and I am absolutely dreading it.

I'm learning in SE London which doesn't help as other drivers are fast and aggressive.

I have a lovely and patient instructor but I have no confidence. I feel I'm shit and I'm never going to improve. Got another lesson this morning - we are going to tackle the big roundabout and I'm already having kittens about it. Just hate it.

Has anyone else overcome this? My default reaction is to panic and forget everything

You have two degrees so you have mastered the technique of studying. Learn your highway code book just as you would any other subject coming up to an exam. If you know the rules of the road, it will give you confidence when approaching roundabouts, junctions and manouvres. Practice your manouvres in an empty carpark or drive to the countryside and find a quieter spot.

Start by practicing one route at a quieter time and familiarise yourself with it. Get your DH to drive it to show you which lanes and manouvres are on the route. If you can master that route, it will give you confidence to changing to other routes. Unfortunately it takes practice to get confident at driving. I was very nervous for a long time and one day I remember feeling like it had finally 'clicked'. I learnt and passed my test in a manual and got an automatic afterwards.

Does your instructor know it works you up so much? I would tell them how you are feeling if you haven't already.
My advise is just breathe, whatever the next step is, xroad/roundabout/turning etc. Take a deep breath and your time. Even if you didn't have L plates, other drivers can suck it up and be patient!
Don't let it intimidate you, also as pps have said, if you can drive in SE, you can drive anywhere!

I passed my test at the grand old age of 30. The thing that really helped me was asking questions when I made mistakes and talked about what I should have done.

I also did a mental running commentary telling myself what I should do. You could try this out loud as well.

Also do things like look a few cars ahead to anticipate any things you might need to react to.

I get scared when driving because of he unknown. But the best thing you can do is control your car and your reactions. It sounds obvious, but don’t let other drivers pressure you into making silly decisions

Driving in London is a nightmare - when we moved out of London, I was so surprised at how much more polite drivers are. Yes you get the odd idiot but I have to let that slide over me.

I think it might help to reset your expectations a bit. It's totally okay to not enjoy driving. Especially while learning. Passing your driving test just means you are safe and competent enough. Doesn't mean you need to be brilliant at it and love it. I think that only comes with practise after you pass.

It's a bit like when I try to speak French - I get all flustered because I need to get the tenses and the pronouns right and everything bang on perfect. Then I just clam up. But, in reality, it just needs to be good enough for people to understand and then all the fine details will come with practise. With driving, it doesn't need to come naturally and you don't need to get it absolutely perfect. You just need to be able to get around safely. The rest can come later.

One thing I would recommend (without wanting to put any fear in you) is to take a refresher lesson (or lessons) once you move out or London. I also learned in SE London. Then moved out to the sticks having never been above 4th gear or 40mph. I had a couple of lessons on motorways getting the hang of slip roads and speed.

A lot of Londoners leave London to take their test. Could you learn and take the test nearer to where you’re moving to? Alternative you could take a week off and book an intensive course in Milton Keynes if you’re good at roundabouts and dual carriage ways and struggle with the traffic etc.

17 years old are much less aware (in general) of the risks. I learned at 31 and I was totally like you! I've had my license 3 years now though and it's going swimmingly. Keep at it OP! The more you can do it, the better you'll feel about it.

Your DP really needs to swap to an automatic ASAP if he wants you to pass. You need to be able to practice, and regularly too.

I'd wait until you move.

Buy a highway code and use it to learn the rules of the road.

Rubbish, I totally get it - when I was learning I seemed to be surrounded by 17 year old idiots who needed about 3 lessons to pass then were instantly bombing down the motorway as confident as you like. I was so unsure of myself all the time, it took me hours and hours of lessons to master the most basic things and I felt like a rabbit in the headlights. I was terrified of being a danger on the road and hated that I was actually completely competent in other areas of my life but just could not get the hang of driving.

All you can do is keep at it, practise as much as you can and have faith that you will get there, it will just take as long as it takes. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. It's your own process.

Oh, and the PP who suggested narrating your driving as you go - that is a great idea and my instructor used to get me to do that too. It really helped and made me feel much more in control.

just keep at it. driving did NOT come naturally to me, and I took a billion lessons and three tests over the course of a year when i was 25. i just gritted my teeth after every horrific lesson and got back in the car.

I also picked a Celebrity Driving Role Model. This person is famed for their lack of intellect, and one day I saw them being interviewed. I thought if X can do it, I bloody well can.

I don't think there's much to be gained by leaving London to do a test (I did mine in London). Firstly, there are as many tricky aspects of out-of-town driving (getting up speed on much faster A roads, more complicated, bigger junctions). London drivers are assertive, but the road speeds are slower so you get more thinking time. Secondly, better to have the knowledge of where you'll be driving to start with, otherwise you'll be a nervous wreck as a new driver.

No advice but commenting to offer moral support - I also feel the same as you. I actually passed my test 20 years ago and then never drove so am taking refresher lessons but am petrified behind the wheel. I then get angry with myself for being like this. So frustrating. Good luck with your lessons.

A person who passes is 3 lessons at 17 years old is often the equivalent of a 30 yo who passes after 30. It does tend to take more lessons to pass as you get older, your instructor should have prepared you for that. That doesn’t mean you are any better or worse of a driver than someone who takes fewer lessons to pass. Everybody who passes is at the same levelz

In fact many 17 yo are better drivers because they have to have black boxes to lower their insurance premiums while a 30yo’s insurance could be dirt cheap immediately after passing!!

I was super nervous and worried but after about 10 lessons I found I began to settle but it took 35 lessons to pass my test, my instructor thought I was ready quite a bit earlier than I did (I had use of a car as well)

Stick with the automatic. I was terrified of driving and although I managed to pass in a manual, I never got a car. Ten years and two kids later, I had to admit that I needed to start driving. We got an automatic and I never looked back.

For me, the fact the controls were a simple “stop-go” meant I was no longer terrified of stalling. Then I could concentrate on other things instead.

I’m not surprised you’re terrified of driving in SE London though. Is there any chance you can stop lessons and resume when you’ve moved house?

I hated learning to drive. I used to get so aggressive and upset on lesson days, I hated everything about it and did not want to do the lessons whatsoever. Found the learning process stressful.

Once I passed though, I was absolutely fine and loved driving. I think the learning process is the stressful part, actually driving is fine. It’s the pressure of having a dictator sitting in the passenger seat I think.

Could you perhaps start taking lessons outside of London? I know it means travelling to the lessons each week but I’m a confident driver and even I would hate to drive in London!

My instructor told me that learning at 17 is easier because we're more fearless and less afraid at that age. Stick with it, I hated learning but I love driving and the freedom it gives.

Op I was exactly the same, but I didn't learn until i was in my forties and I was very nervous, it does get better! Just have as many lessons as you need, once you are more experienced your confidence will grow. I drive an auto and I ended up passing my test first time! You can do it!

@Rubbishrubbish I’m also a grown women with 2 degrees and it took me 4 attempts to pass my theory. Currently doing a semi intensive! Don’t worry you’re not the only one!
I’m also doing automatic and all fam have manual so I can’t get any practice in apart from lessons. Could you increase your lessons? Maybe two hour slots a week?

Someone told me this and it helped - no one will deliberately try to hit you, even if they're cross with your driving! Just signal and be clear in your intentions and don't move unexpectedly....

Itsnotlikemilkingacow's suggestion of narrating is great.

Have you thought about using google earth to familiarise yourself with some of the routes you are driving on? You can 'drive' along a route and go at a very steady pace, spot the give way signs and road markings and navigate. Obviously it's not good for spotting hazards, but for familiarity of where lanes are and where you need to be to get where you want to go I find it a great help.

thank you for the kind and supportive post.

Cherry pick what you want from my post, but my point was that you are kicking yourself in advance and telling yourself you can't do something. Then you can't. Then you feel shit and the process repeats.

Thanks all, the lesson wasn't the worst.

I have an absolutely lovely instructor who knows I have anxiety BTW.

It's in no way practical for me to travel out of London to have lessons, it's hard enough for me to spare an hour and a half to dedicate to it as it is really and that's with me being picked up and dropped off! I work from home so I fit it in as part of my working day while my son is at nursery.

I learned in SE London at all; it's difficult because as you say, other drivers are pretty unforgiving, and there's a lot to focus on (lots of pedestrians, cyclists, roadworks etc). But most of the time it's not that fast - 20-30 limits everywhere, relatively little dual carriageway driving, and that means you've got time to read the road ahead of you and anticipate what's going to happen, and that means when you're out of the city, it'll feel easier by comparison.

Are you going for the big roundabout near Hither Green test centre, or Purley Way? I think Mitcham test centre has slightly higher pass rates - I passed first time there. One thing my instructor had me do was speak out loud when I was driving, e.g. "I'm easing off the accelerator as I think that pedestrian is about to step onto the zebra crossing in front of me." - so you get in the habit of vocalising exactly what steps you need to take as you're driving.

It'll be at the Hither Green test centre as it's literally right down the road from me. So I guess the advantage is I'll know the roads etc round here very well when the time comes.

I just can't imagine EVER reaching test standard. It's ok with someone else in the car telling me what to do but I can't imagine just going out on my own.