I just burst into tears because I didn't want to go home.

[KitKat1985]

So I work full-time in a stressful job, and have 2 DD's (4 and 2). DD1 has autism and can be quite challenging at times, and DD2 is going through that 'terrible 2's' phase. Both DD's are toilet training (we have been trying to toilet train DD1 for over 2 years...) so I'm constantly cleaning up piss and shit. I'm trying to fight for DD1 to get an EHCP but it involves fighting all the way, and we've had a lot of appointments recently. DH has been off work with a nasty back injury, so I've been having to take him to a lot of appointments too. He is unable to do a lot (I'm even having to put his socks on etc a lot of the time) and he's in pain and frustrated and getting quite snappy with me. I'm doing pretty much everything for the kids and DH, and all the domestic stuff (laundry, cleaning, cooking etc). DD1 is an early riser and usually up at about 5.30am, and DH is pretty knocked out on painkillers right now so it's always me that ends up getting up with her. I'm tired, fed-up and bored with life right now.

I spent the day today with a single friend in London whilst my (very lovely) Mum helped look after the kids etc as a one-off. It's the only real time I've had away from the kids etc in weeks. I had a lovely day just able to please myself and have a good time with my friend. And I came home this evening and burst into tears. I just didn't want to home. I'm jealous of my friend and her single lifestyle that doesn't revolve around running after everyone all day long. Please tell me this is normal and how I move past this.

Oh you poor thing it sound like all just too much at once ! Could you put toilet training o

I didn’t want to read and run because I don’t have any really practical advice but just to say it is totally, completely normal. You’re human and in a really bloody tough situation. My DB has severe mental health difficulties and finds a lot of basic life functioning impossible so my DM cares for him. DM still finds it overwhelming and she’s 60. She still carries on though, like the superhero she is. You’re a superhero too. I know it’s bloody hard but accept help where you can, try and snatch those moments where you can just think of you even if it’s just for five minutes. Sending

On hold for a bit until dh back is better ?

Keep repeating "this too shall pass"

Be kind to yourself

Yes I know things will get better. It just feels so relentless right now. Must try and stay positive though.

Oh you poor thing, it sounds horrendous. Just everything going wrong at once, and your life sounds pretty stressful under normal circumstances!

Oh poor poor you. Your life at the moment sounds unrelenting and it is completely understandable. Hopefully things will get easier over time but until then can you afford to buy in some help-cleaning/extra childcare or laundry or whatever that might ease your burden a bit. Be gentle with yourself; you are carrying the whole family!

Kitkat that sounds like hell-on-stick.

You're entitled to feel that you don't want to go home.

You have an awful lot on your plate.

It's only human to want to walk away; I know I would!

I can't offer anything positive apart from 'This too, shall pass' but I think you're brave to state it.

Xx

Is your husband doing anything he can? He could lie in bed and the kids could sit next to him whilst he reads them a story? Would they sit and listen to a story? He could lie down and the kids could put on a puppet show for him using their teddies?
If there's anything they would happily do which just requires an audience, then your husband can be that audience and you could have an hour alone each night!

I get it, totally! My DH has had a serious illness which has meant i’ve been the main person dealing with everything for almost a year now (and probably ongoing for another year or so). It’s bloody hard work, there’s no easy answer or solution. Your DC are very young, try not to be too hard on yourself, lower your standards temporarily (does it really matter if you don’t hoover one day and do it the next etc).

Also definitely take some time out for you, your friends and family who offer to help out - jump at the chance for any help. Whether it’s them offering to make you dinner one evening or have kids or even just one child will make a difference.

Ugh it’s relentless sometimes isn’t it
Stuff I’m sure you’ve thought of but my 2p worth...
Pause the potty training. They either get it or don’t and if not now it can just wait. Give yourself a break

If you’ve any spare cash- use it- some of these are common sense and free. Some not.
Easy dinners like posh ready made meals or hello fresh type thing
An au pair if you’ve space? Help with kids and kid admin a few hours a day?
A cleaner/ who might also do a bit of the washing stuff
Ironing, if you have any- sent out and delivered back in

School lunches not pack up for kids (if relevant)
Say yes to all offers of anything- someone watching/taking +1 to a park, making a dinner, coming over for a chat etc
Be brutal with your husband: o know you’re felling like shit but so am I- what can you do, great- you’re doing that
Separate and tag team kids. Whichever your husband can physically manage- he’s on them.

Childcare for a couple of hours sat morning and an evening a week so you can do WTF you like- maybe a nursery staff or support worker etc who your older child is familiar with

Be really honest with your inner circle of mates- I’d send a group what’s app basically saying- I’m knackered and fed up with 3 x and I need a prop up- is there any chance someone might be able to baby sit onece or twice for me so I could just get out and clear my head?
Something easy like bolognaise sauce in massive vat on Sunday and freeze/ keep for dinners in week
Enough kids clothes for the week sorted on a Sunday to take edge off when you’re in work mode
Hospital transport service- you can pay for it but they sort it. Save you going unless you really want to
Work- can you WFH at all? Give you any more flex in time that way ie commute save?
Can you afford to take any parental leave? If so take a week off. It’s unpaid yes, but er no one actually knows if you’re lookkng after the kids.

It's totally understandable. In a very similar situation with an injured DH (been 10 mths and at least another 1-2 years to go), have a dc with autism and adhd and a younger one too. It tough, I echo all the advice given above, try to take a few minutes where you can, accept all help offered (something I find tricky), ask for help too.

I find a good cry, bath and glass of wine and I reset myself for a few weeks.

The stark contrast must have hit you like a ton of bricks. I always think whenever I'm in the thick of things that 'this too shall pass'. I know its much easier said than done but everything you describe here is passing. Presumably your husband is on the mend and will be back in action in the not too distant future? As for toilet training I'd put that entirely on hold until further notice tbh.

I don't think staying positive is always as helpful as having an outlet so you can let off steam.

put the nappies back on. your mental health comes first. you sound close to being very ill yourself.

follow winging wonder's advice

It is completely understandable and you aren’t alone in feeling like that. I can honestly say it does get better but your post took me straight back to some challenging memories. The posters above are right - use whatever support you can find. However I am also painfully aware that with a child with autism it can be really hard to find people who help. Apparently it’s challenging 🤦‍♀️. I’m completely aware it varies but we did crack potty training shortly after the same age of your elder. Took an inordinate amount of bribery, patience and crossed fingers. Just hold on in there.

Op..hugs. What amazing lady you are. So strong but you are only human. Forget the toilet training at the moment. Sounds. Like you need another day like this soon. Can you arrange with your mum or a friend to do this once a month, twice a month or weekly to give you some restbit. Xxx

Ok, if you have £13 to spare, this will let your DH take care of his own socks and shoes without hurting himself: www.nrshealthcare.co.uk/bedroom-seating-aids/comfort-posture-aids/getting-dressed/brevetti-sock-dressing-aid

There's even a little video.

So, firstly that reduces the burden on you a little bit, and secondly that might reduce his frustration a bit to have some more control and independence back.

Reacher/grabber tools aren't that expensive either (NRS have some on that site) and could make life easier and less frustrating for him. (And by extension make life easier and less stressful for you). Even if it just enables him to pick the post up off the doormat safely it's something positive!

There are ways to reduce the burden little by little so you're not trying to tough out quite so much. Rather than just trying to accept all of it as it is, see what you can change. The little bits of creativity will add up.

Holy good fuck. You're just crying now?

I would be permanently dehydrated due to all the crying I would do in your situation so well done.

While it's good to stay positive, it's also healthy to have a cry and let everything out. It's a shitty situation (no pun intended) so don't feel like you have to act like everything is fine all the time.

I totally get it. I feel overwhelmed and snappy a lot of the time. I am struggling too. I haven’t got advice but just wanted to say that it’s completely normal that you’re feeling like this. I’ve done the ehcp too (refused). It will get better. That’s what I tell myself and it’s what I’m telling you too.

Yes I know things will get better. It just feels so relentless right now. Must try and stay positive though.

Doesn’t help though. Just the other day I said I’m tired of coping with the shit life keeps throwing at us. It might get better but it might not. Staying positive can only last so long.

Can you work out something which can take one pressure off you? Can you stop with the toilet training for your oldest? Just for a while. It isn’t working and that’s not your fault. Is there any help you can afford to buy in as a one off? Can your DH deal with the EHCP stuff? Certainly reminding him you are dealing with everything at the moment so he can wind his bloody neck in!

Would your mum help a little more, maybe give a few more days out?

I was in exactly your position last year, with everything falling to me. It was rough and I’ll be honest, I haven’t really recovered from it. Some days I could just walk away. I was offered help at the time, but thought I could handle it. Seems I couldn’t!

I really feel for you. I too have an ASD child although they are older now I can really relate. As well as stopping the toilet training at the moment I would do another couple of things that made a big difference for me. I got a cleaner and I went to the Dr to discuss the amount of stress I was under and got some help for it. I would also suggest joining a local group for parents with ASD children and get a support group around you who understand and can help out even if it's just lending an ear, that can make such a difference. Good luck.

Christ alive you’re doing brilliantly, cut yourself some slack! Seriously. I’d probably be in the corner weeping! I had a tough time with a new born and a sick husband and it was relentless, I didn’t know how we’d ever turn a corner. But we did. This will pass! Make sure those supporting you know you are struggling. Be kind to yourself and each other! Only do what needs to be done.
Oh and have a duvet/ pillow downstairs, when you get up with DD put tv on, hand her fruit etc and snuggle down for a comfy nap on sofa.

You’re doing really well and you have so much on your plate at the moment. Sometimes the combination of things life chucks at us can feel quite overwhelming. It’s good to have a cry and let it out and it’s totally natural to want a break from the constant responsibility. Be honest with friends and family about how tough it is at the moment and accept any help that is offered. Things will get easier after your DH is on the mend and can take some of this strain off you. In the meantime, keep taking one step at a time and you’ll get through this. Be kind to yourself and keep remembering what an amazing job you’re doing juggling everything.

Can I just ask why you are toilet training DD1 if you've already been doing it for 2 years? Can't you give yourself a break and put at least one toilet training on hold for a bit to save on one lot of clearing up?

I'm sending you a handhold as you sound a bit overwhelmed atm.