I just burst into tears because I didn't want to go home.

[KitKat1985]

So I work full-time in a stressful job, and have 2 DD's (4 and 2). DD1 has autism and can be quite challenging at times, and DD2 is going through that 'terrible 2's' phase. Both DD's are toilet training (we have been trying to toilet train DD1 for over 2 years...) so I'm constantly cleaning up piss and shit. I'm trying to fight for DD1 to get an EHCP but it involves fighting all the way, and we've had a lot of appointments recently. DH has been off work with a nasty back injury, so I've been having to take him to a lot of appointments too. He is unable to do a lot (I'm even having to put his socks on etc a lot of the time) and he's in pain and frustrated and getting quite snappy with me. I'm doing pretty much everything for the kids and DH, and all the domestic stuff (laundry, cleaning, cooking etc). DD1 is an early riser and usually up at about 5.30am, and DH is pretty knocked out on painkillers right now so it's always me that ends up getting up with her. I'm tired, fed-up and bored with life right now.

I spent the day today with a single friend in London whilst my (very lovely) Mum helped look after the kids etc as a one-off. It's the only real time I've had away from the kids etc in weeks. I had a lovely day just able to please myself and have a good time with my friend. And I came home this evening and burst into tears. I just didn't want to home. I'm jealous of my friend and her single lifestyle that doesn't revolve around running after everyone all day long. Please tell me this is normal and how I move past this.

DD2 is only 2, there's no pressure to TT her either OP! Get back to nappies and focus on what you and your family need. It sounds like you're on an uphill struggle.

Sorry didn't mean to disappear last night. I really do appreciate all your advice and comments. No option to WFH unfortunately as I'm a nurse on an inpatient ward. Will try to take whatever help I can but not many family or friends live nearby, so not many opportunities. We also have a bit of a debt (nothing unmanageable, but I'm prioritising paying it off so having been trying to avoid getting cleaners etc to save money, but maybe it's something I need to think about. DD1 is making painfully slow progress with toilet training to don't want to give up on her, and DD2 is very enthusiastic about learning, so want to capitalise on that too. I have told DH how I feel and said he needs to do what he can, even if it's just little things, as I feel overwhelmed.

hi KitKat1985 being a mum is hard enough at times.contending with children with special needs or who need more of us especailly emotionally is bloody hard. but i just want to tell you your doing amazing.
listen to what you said this morning.dd is making progress.how amazing is that.so how far youve already come!and ur other dd is enthusiastic about learning...thats brilliant! when things are so tough you have to really train your brain to stich to find those little glimpses of the positives.and i see so much of that in you.your seem lovely,strong,kind and so passionate about your kids otherwsie you wouldnt have gotten into this state.a world class mum.
my mum is carer for someone in our family with severe mental illness.its has taken and tormented her aswell as my relative.but she has done it now for decades.yes decades.and i often rage at it and hate it seeing what she has had to adapt and change to do this.i try to give her as much as i can.but you know what.she will never ever tell me anything other than "but why wouldnt i""id have it no other way" and her mindset is this.there is nothing she wont do nothing she wont give for them.she has her really low days.days where she feels for herself.and days where she feels for my relative.but she only does it becasue she loves =,she loves with all her heart and it just carries on.and she is my superhero.so i think you are a superhero too.you can do this.these moment will ebb and flo.and you have got to find those moments where you can reboost yourself.even if its going outside and breahting in the air.or on the way from work could you stop at a cafe for a drink.or a park for a sit.the tiny little things when you cant manage the big thing due to family circumstances make all the difference.
you can do this.and we are always here if you need to chat.i mean that.there is lots of people who know how or similar to how your feeling.and we all have your back.holding you tight and upright until you can yourself.

You are exactly the sort of person Homestart was invented for. Click on the link and see if there's one in your area then contact them. Someone could help you when you get back from work to sort the kids out with tea, bath and bed. They can't do stuff without you around, but they're an extra pair of hands at busy times.

I really feel for you with DD being an early riser. DS2 also ASD never slept either. I think it's time to say: I'm too tired to wake up at 5.30. If you wake up before the alarm you can watch TV. Set the TV to a cartoon channel and leave a blanket, soft toy and drink for her to find downstairs. I did this for DS in the end and wished I'd done it years earlier.

Could your DH do some basic stuff like ordering an online shop once a week. Tell him you are worn out. He needs to understand you are at the end of your tether too.

Could you get time off work for stress?

You need some time for yourself.
Yes it’s hard at the mo to get that. Harder than usual. But it doesn’t sound you ever have any break to recover/relax even before your DH hurt his back.

Once your DH is back to wing able to do things, yu also need to delegate more.
Eg he might not be able to go back work but he might be able too some of the load off your shoulders by dealing with the EHCP etc.....
I would think too about any task you can delegate (eg having a cleaner, your DH doing the online shopping for food etc....)

You just can’t expect from yourself to do it alll. Nor should you let your DH believe it’s ok to put that expectation on you either.

I just wanted to point out that you don't need to stay positive. Give yourself permission to feel like crap about this. You're looking after everyone else all day long, including at work, and you are fatigued by this. I'm not saying 'give up and walk away' or anything like that, but this message we're constantly sent that we must 'keep our chins up' is so harmful sometimes. You're in a hard situation and you're allowed to feel bad about it.

I've been sick for the past while and my husband has been really stressed trying to deal with everything so there are a few things I try to do to take the burden from him.

• online shopping and all the other online stuff eg car tax/insurance etc.
• he could also check online for any additional money or services you may be due or that you can pay for, meal services, any carers events for the kids you may be entitled to, groups for parents in your situation etc (not in the UK, so maybe I'm being optimistic here)
• play with the kids in bed/read them a story or even just watch TV with them
• same with the dog, I can't take him out but I can give him hugs and play with his toys on the bed
• sort the laundry into piles, at least by person, if not also balling socks or folding stuff
• I sometimes even prepare food in bed, husband covers the bed with a big table cloth and brings a tray so I can chop vegetables or mix things
• I finally caught up on loads of stupid fiddly jobs that never got done like making years worth of photo albums and sorting out paper work that had never been thrown out or dealt with

Obviously a lot of that depends on his mobility level and tiredness levels etc, but even if you manage to get half an hour to yourself, it could make such a difference.

For cooking, take every shortcut you can afford, take outs, ready cut vegetables, ready cooked baked potatoes etc. We live off of frozen vegetables that we don't need to cut like green beans, peas etc. And tbh, I grew up on the typical British diet of frozen beige shite and while not ideal, we didn't die either. Most dinners were done in 15 minutes flat. If you're spending time making more elaborate meals, give yourself a break and get out the nuggets and chips.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and it is so normal to feel like crap about it.