Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Sister in law want to live with us

40 replies

Timmys1980 · 21/06/2019 18:19

She was in hospital as she had taken a large amount of tablets, trying to kill herself! She was kept in for 2 weeks while they done liver tests, my partner and I had time off work as he couldnt cope at work with what had happened to his sister and needed me as support, we sat up at hospital by herside for hours and days, could eat or sleep properly, She was in a bad way, nearly got taken to london for a liver transplant. On her release from hospital she told us she was still suicidle, and the doctors agreed for her to self refer herself to a mental hospital. She called my partner within 90mins asking him to come get her out. We drove straight there! After talking with the doctors my partner had to sign a disclaimer, so my partner has a duty of care I think as doctors advised she must stay...anyhow she came with us.
Shes now been out for 5 weeks staying at ours most nights or her home, but the end of month she wants to move in with us as she cant afford to live there, and cant afford rent on her own. She being paid for 6 months on sick...gets £14 ph full time job. Shes lazy and very selfish cault her out for lieing few times but never pulled her...as she kind of putting the nails in her own coffin so to speak, she talks way to loud for our peaceful and happy once before 14 years of a chillied relatationship. Im so sad about it all! should i, do i stop it?..im not a mental health nurse/hospital this is my home ?

OP posts:
EileenAlanna · 21/06/2019 19:49

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You've both done everything & more that could be expected of you but you need to sit down with DP & discuss where you go from here.
Your SIL is out of hospital against medical advice & you're no substitute for professional help. Her options are narrowing for her mental health, housing & employment & these can't be dealt with as a permanent emergency situation, they just aren't.
Are there other family members in the picture? If so they should be taking as much responsibility as your DP.
Having someone else move into your home is a major upheaval & you've every right to be consulted fully on the proposal & to refuse if that's what you feel is best all round. I've had long term MH issues myself & can say that moving into someone else's home would've been the last thing that would've helped me.
Your DP has to look at other ways to help & support her, they are there if he'll look for them, but his sister isn't the only person to be taken into account in any plans.

Singlenotsingle · 21/06/2019 22:34

I know it sounds harsh, but she's an adult and must realise that she's asking too much. She needs to go back into the mental hospital where she will get proper care.

Grumpelstilskin · 22/06/2019 00:37

Unless you want to kiss your own health and your relationship goodbye, you need to tell her that she cannot live with you and she needs to help herself. Your DH does not have a duty of care to her, she is an adult. She has other options, i.e. be an inpatient or out patient.

katewhinesalot · 22/06/2019 01:01

Tell her you'll help her any way you can but your relationship wouldn't withstand three people living in the house.

jennymanara · 22/06/2019 01:09

Just to say, she may no longer be eligible for a place in a mental hospital.
Does she still have her own home?

jennymanara · 22/06/2019 01:13

I am not saying she needs to live with you, but there are some naive posters on this thread when they are talking about her options. She was in a mental hospital. You and your DH took her out. If she had been discharged properly from that hospital there is a greater likelihood she would have had some type of ongoing care. There is less chance of that now. She may get support, or she may get very little or none.
Personally, I think you have a responsibility to support her in getting reestablished living on her own, including getting any support from elsewhere you can find. You went against the professionals recommendations before, I think it is morally wrong to just abandon her now you have realised it is harder than you thought it would be.

Jux · 22/06/2019 11:45

Don't let her. She sounds like my sil, an alcoholic, selfish liar. Nearly dumped her and dh together as a result. She finally moved out after 6months. It was awful.

Just don't do it.

Original poster
Timmys1980 · 26/06/2019 18:04

Thankyou all for the advice. To make it clear I didn't want to take her out the mental hospital...I was telling my partner that we arent mental health nurse's, but he didnt want his sister in there, as he said it could be years before they release her and seems to think it will make her worse with all the tablets they prescribe. She does have her own rented place but she can't afford it by herself ( Her partner moved out as couldn't deal with her anymore! said he felt like a carer, not her boyfriend) so July she moving to ours. Keep telling bf that I'm not happy with it but he tells me "what's an extra plate to wash"....aaahhh it's actually more than a extra plate. I'm feeling sick to the stomach with worry. A family member has offered for her to move with them but she wants to live with us, my partner told me to feel privileged that she chosen us instead. I feel like packing up and leaving.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2019 18:45

Absolutely NO WAY.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 26/06/2019 18:49

That’s a really difficult position for you both, it’s not like you’ve not been supportive up to now either.

I think you should have your feelings also taken into account especially as another family member offered to house her. The only time perhaps less so would be if it was his house and you just stayed with him, but after 12 years assuming that’s not the case.

No real advice - sorry you’re dealing with so much Flowers

Chloemol · 26/06/2019 19:23

Sorry I would be looking to move out, leave him and his sister together

Jux · 26/06/2019 19:57

This is really hard for you. Could you move out and leave the pair of them together for a month or two? How horribly disruptive would that be?

He clearly doesnt see how much work it is to have a long-term guest, let alone one who is unwell, but maybe he would come to see it if you weren't there for a while.

When sil lived here, life was truly awful. She was tippling all day whilst completely denying it - which dh believed, but that was because he spent all day in his room reading, while sil followed me around demanding attention. He had no idea what it was like, he'd done his bit and been the hero giving her a home, but had nothing at all to do with actually living with her.

Troels · 26/06/2019 20:44

He's not listening to you, he didn't listen to or believe that health proffesionals could help that they "will make her worse with all the tablets they prescribe"
He's in delial about her health and won't listen to anyone then. I would move out and leave them to it.
She will get worse as he tries to protect her and will eventually see the light and get her proper help.

MetalMonster · 26/06/2019 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheFatberg · 26/06/2019 21:09

Can people not hear how bad the phrase "mental hospital" sounds? At least call it a mental health hospital or mental health inpatient unit.

7yo7yo · 26/06/2019 21:10

This would be a deal breaker for me.
I would end my relationship.

fedup21 · 26/06/2019 21:10

I could not cope with this either.

Beautiful3 · 26/06/2019 21:34

I wouldn't want this either.

HermioneMakepeace · 26/06/2019 21:36

Why can’t she afford the rent? Can’t she get Housing Benefit?

Sofasurfingsally · 26/06/2019 23:00

Do not let this happen.

UnderTheTree · 26/06/2019 23:14

Absolutely no way OP, put your foot down.

Speaking from experience DD is flatting with two girls who both have recently diagnosed bipolar, both have overdosed at least twice (had ambulances called etc) and one was admitted into a mental health facility for a few weeks.

It is hell for DD, constantly walking on egg shells, one has OCD so DD has to leave the kitchen spotless otherwise she will get crucified. She cant say anything that might be taken too seriously etc. And they still pay their share of rent etc so DD isn't left out of pocket.

She also feels kicked out of her own home, so DD now spends most of her time at the library (uni student) or in her room and cant cook what she wants or she comes home (I live 30mins away). It is awful, and it is affecting DD's MH.

AdoraBell · 26/06/2019 23:25

‘What’s a plate to wash?’

Ask him how he will deal with a suicidal person at 3 am?

YANBU. I’m not saying anyone with mental health issues is UN, or should be left to fend for themselves. But you are not qualified and working in mental health care is not the same as living with someone with suicidal tendencies and mental health issues.

I can understand why your partner wants to look after his sister, but he can’t dump the issue on you. Are you married? And do you work?

HappyHammy · 26/06/2019 23:31

She should speak to her community nurse or social worker about getting support back in her own home. . If she was sectioned she may be eligible for specialist support. It was probably not a good idea to sign her out of hospital against advice.

MrsMiggins37 · 26/06/2019 23:32

Nope.

I’d tell him she goes or you do. I’m sorry she’s so unwell but she’s not your problem

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 26/06/2019 23:41

Your idiot boyfriend removed her from treatment against medical advice. I'd say he has a duty of care here. He stopped her receiving proper treatment and now you want him to back out of providing care in the real world.

That said, it's your boyfriend's problem, not yours. I'd be moving out if I were you. Do you have someone you can stay with?

Your boyfriend needs to provide you, her and the family with a plan here. How long will they try to support her at home? What is the plan if she gets worse? Do they re-admit her? What's the plan if she gets better? Does she stay with you forever or is the goal to have her back in her own flat & working in X number of months? What are the ground rules? What is the time frame? What do her medical team think about all of it? What's achievable for her?