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Sister in law want to live with us

40 replies

Timmys1980 · 21/06/2019 18:19

She was in hospital as she had taken a large amount of tablets, trying to kill herself! She was kept in for 2 weeks while they done liver tests, my partner and I had time off work as he couldnt cope at work with what had happened to his sister and needed me as support, we sat up at hospital by herside for hours and days, could eat or sleep properly, She was in a bad way, nearly got taken to london for a liver transplant. On her release from hospital she told us she was still suicidle, and the doctors agreed for her to self refer herself to a mental hospital. She called my partner within 90mins asking him to come get her out. We drove straight there! After talking with the doctors my partner had to sign a disclaimer, so my partner has a duty of care I think as doctors advised she must stay...anyhow she came with us.
Shes now been out for 5 weeks staying at ours most nights or her home, but the end of month she wants to move in with us as she cant afford to live there, and cant afford rent on her own. She being paid for 6 months on sick...gets £14 ph full time job. Shes lazy and very selfish cault her out for lieing few times but never pulled her...as she kind of putting the nails in her own coffin so to speak, she talks way to loud for our peaceful and happy once before 14 years of a chillied relatationship. Im so sad about it all! should i, do i stop it?..im not a mental health nurse/hospital this is my home ?

OP posts:
Graphista · 26/06/2019 23:45

Ahhh lovely another thread full of myths and misinformation on mental illness and mental health treatment Hmm

Which won't be deleted because those of us that are mentally ill are fair game.

"Shes lazy and very selfish cault her out for lieing few times but never pulled her."

What are you basing this on? Do you understand anything about mental illness? Do you understand that it can be just as energy sapping/exhausting as physical conditions? That "laziness" can be manifestations of lack of motivation, fear/anxiety, avoidance patterning, plain not seeing the point in doing a thing?

Mental illness also often manifests as a focus on oneself. Tunnel vision, being unable or fearful of engaging with the outside world, anxieties making you focus on what you can manage, inability to empathise or sympathise or being fearful of doing so.

Lying can also be a factor in several illnesses/conditions, or it may be to avoid awkward questions or conversations or because you're feeling threatened...

So no you and your partner aren't best placed to help her because he's in denial about what's needed and you're hostile, ill informed on the subject and don't have sympathy for her.

Where is he getting the idea that medication is a bad thing? Does he think the same if he has an infection and is prescribed antibiotics? Doesn't he take painkillers if he has a headache?

She'd be better off either at the other relatives or back in hospital by the sounds of things.

She's clearly very unwell and needs intensive treatment, which may well include medication, therapy, practical support...

Your partner loves his sister, sometimes loving someone means doing something they don't like for their own good.

I think signing her out of hospital was a mistake and a knee jerk reaction. And one that needs to be reversed if possible.

I feel so incredibly sad for your sil. She must be so scared, and so desperate and so sad. She must feel as if she is such a burden, unwanted and unvalued.

How would you feel in her position op? How hurt would you be to be at the very lowest you've ever been in your life, so low that you think your only option is suicide, to genuinely believe that those you love would be better off without you alive?

What would you want your parents or siblings to do then? Who would you turn to?

I'm not shocked at this thread because I've seen several similar ones on mn. I'm saddened and disappointed and I think mners and mn can do so much better on this.

Most mners are intelligent, articulate, thoughtful people who are very supportive of those sick and disabled in other ways. But on mental health they are seriously lacking in empathy and understanding.

anon812 · 27/06/2019 00:08

I really wouldn't let her move in. She needs to be somewhere where she gets the care and help she needs. That isn't in your house. Even when her sick pay runs out there are various benefits she can apply for including housing.

Sparklfairy · 27/06/2019 00:17

That poor woman needs to be with people who will help her, not slag her off on internet forums. I can't imagine how she would feel if she knew Sad

Isn't it funny how people come on here and whine about relatively minor things and get so much sympathy and advice and Flowers

But someone truly at their lowest ebb. I'm pretty disgusted at the attitude of pps. She shouldn't be living there but there's no empathy from any of you. Shame on you.

Bluntness100 · 27/06/2019 00:29

I will differ, this is very difficult Op. your partner will resent you if you say no when he wishes to say yes. And he will resent you for the duration she is in hospital suffering, or if she kills her self,.and for many years after,

The question only you can answer is do you wish to be with him more than you want to be away from her, and can your relarionship survive her being in hospital, for however long that is, or if she kills herself.

So what's better, being with him and her, or being with neither, because that's where it is going,

sprouts21 · 27/06/2019 00:30

Your partner is playing the hero and this is not good for sil at all. She's going to be homeless, dependant on you and with no professional support.

fivecats · 27/06/2019 01:11

"How was your relationship with her before she went mental?"

Can we try to use more sensitive language around these kinds of issues?

skybluee · 27/06/2019 01:45

^ Agree with Graphista. Said it better than I could have.
This is his family, someone who doesn't want to be alive. It sounds like she needed to be in hospital - with professionals who could help her and help her work towards recovery. All of these questions and concerns could've been dealt with. Additionally, the hospital would've had a duty of care, and would have looked at her home situation and what help could be used there.

I hope you find a solution.
Maybe there is a way to gently say that living with the other family member (who wants her) would be a better situation, without saying that. However, it sounds like her brother wants her there anyway.

Have a bit of compassion, it sounds like she almost died (needing possible liver transplant etc). Is it not possible for her to stay for a bit to get on her feet, surely if she is paid for 6 months and then look into her returning to her job if she is well enough, or applying for benefits when her sick pay runs out if she is not well enough to work.

Also, it might be wise to look ahead because it would make sense, if she needs housing benefit, for her to get a studio flat or something WHILE she is still being paid on the 6 months of sickness pay, so she does not become homeless. If she gives up her flat and then her sickness pay runs out she will have nowhere to go.

skybluee · 27/06/2019 01:47

I actually am really shocked of the amount of people on this thread almost turning on family and saying it isn't there problem - what if she had cancer and nowhere to live? Is this how we view family nowadays - as not our problem when they become sick? It is sad...

Jux · 27/06/2019 08:39

I think that if she had cancer then her stupid brother wouldn't have removed her from hospital in the first place.

It's not lack of compassion for sil's mh, it's simply that none of us think that such a sick person should be op's responsibility and that op and her dh are unable to provide the level of care - which the dh is expecting op to provide. He makes this clear by talking about "one more plate". We are not giving op advice on how to care for her sil, we are saying very strongly that she shouldn't be put in this position at all., being completely unqualified to take the responsibility.

Babdoc · 27/06/2019 08:58

OP, your partner thinks he is better qualified than hospital psychiatrists to care for his sister, and knows more about the pharmacology of antidepressants.
He is obviously wrong, totally irresponsible, and doing the worst possible thing for his sister- removing her from professional care.
He has committed himself to taking her into his home indefinitely.
I would suggest simply telling him this is on his own head, and sit back and watch the inevitable disaster unfold, as he realises exactly what he’s taken on, and how unqualified he is to deal with it.
Things will have to get to crisis point before he admits he was wrong. That should happen pretty quickly if she’s stopped her medication on his “advice”.
Once the inevitable deterioration in her mental health occurs, and she is back under the care of a psychiatrist, you can tell DP that you will not be put through any more of his attempts to play doctor or run a home psychiatry service.
Give him an ultimatum - if his sister comes back, you will be moving out.

Cheesecake53 · 27/06/2019 09:09

I agree with Graphista.

anon812 · 27/06/2019 09:35

Also she 100% needs to be on medication

Feelingwalkedover · 27/06/2019 10:15

You have been an utter pair of idiots
Thinking you know better than trained doctors
Get her back in hospital,where she is safe ,before she does kill herself
If he won’t see sense ,move out and let him get on with it.

bringthethunder · 27/06/2019 10:24

"Before she went mental"

Really?! Hmm Shock

Graphista · 27/06/2019 14:05

"what if she had cancer and nowhere to live?" I'm pretty confident in saying the responses would have been very very different.

Mental illness is still seen as a weakness, the mentally ill responsible for being so in real life AND very much on mn. Seriously go and look at other threads discussing similar situations it's shocking! It's really quite disgusting how prejudice against the mentally ill isn't as stringently managed as prejudice against people with other illnesses and disabilities.

"It's not lack of compassion for sil's mh, it's simply that none of us think that such a sick person should be op's responsibility and that op and her dh are unable to provide the level of care - which the dh is expecting op to provide" except that illnesses like cancer can require just as much effort and input but if op had suggested not letting her boyfriend take in a sister with cancer she'd likely have been flamed!

Disgusting thread to be honest.

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